Christmas 2009

M

Merry Christmas world. It is 7:07 on Christmas morning and I am on here because I am waiting for the pumpkin pie to cook. Yes I do have to get the turkey ready but I am in no hurry to stick my hands into the carcass of a dead bird right now. Lol. As I sit here writing this I am having a cup of tea, for some reason coffee didn't appeal to me this morning, am eating pie crust with cinnamon and sugar. My family will know what I am talking about. So I sit here knowing that I have a bunch of stuff to do and I am tired; but I think my main problem is that Christmas is weird without kids. Sure they will be here later and the grandkids too but where is the morning mayhem. I should be glad because I really don't have the energy for the whole Santa routine but it kind of makes the Christmas experience a little odd. Of course everything changes and adapting is good. Still adaptation has never been my strong point as you all know. Well, I really just wanted to wish the world and my family and friends a Merry Christmas. Hope Santa treated you all good! Most of all I hope that your hearts are full and your soul is peaceful and your hope is strong. Bless you all.

STILL MORE OUT OF NOWHERE THOUGHTS

I REVEL IN MY MADNESS
FOR IT IS MINE AND MINE ALONE
YOU CANNOT SHARE IT
NOR CAN YOU TAKE IT AWAY
YOUR WORDS OF COMFORT AND LOGIC
MIGHT MAKE ME HIDE IT
UNDER A SEMBLANCE OF NORMALCY
YET STILL IT REMAINS MAKING ITSELF KNOWN
WHENEVER YOU SEE AN ACTION
THAT MARKS ME AS AND INDIVIDUAL
DIFFERENT FROM THE REST
FOR THIS THE REASON
MY MADNESS REMAINS
TO KEEP ME FROM BEING YOU

just another randomness that came to me

I CAME FROM ABOVE
AND I WANT TO GO BACK
HOW WAS I TO KNOW
WHAT THIS LIFE WOULD LACK
WHERE IS THE JOY, THE EXCITEMENT,
THE LOVE
IT WAS FOR THESE THINGS
I CAME DOWN FROM ABOVE
I WILL GO BACK AND
NEVER RETURN
UNLESS THERE IS A WAY
FOR ME TO RELEARN
TO LIVE MY LIFE
AS IT SHOULD BE
TO ACCEPT THAT THE PROBLEM
WAS ACTUALLY ME

THE EXISTENCE OF VIOLENCE AND AGGRESSION

I AM WRITING THIS POST TO CLARIFY A FEW THINGS. INDEED VIOLENCE HAS EXISTED AS LONG AS MAN HAS. ALL TYPES OF ANIMALS HAVE SOME FORM OF AGGRESSION OR THEY WOULD NOT SURVIVE. HOWEVER MAN SEEMS TO BE THE WORST ANIMAL FOR MISDIRECTING THIS AGGRESSION. YES OUR SURVIVAL REQUIRES DIFFERENT FORMS OF AGGRESSION THESE DAYS SO MAYBE WE NEED OUTLETS FOR IT. I BELIEVE THAT IS TRUE ESPECIALLY FOR MALES AND QUITE OFTEN FOR FEMALES TOO. THUS WE HAVE COMPETITIVE SPORTS AND YES VIDEO GAMES. HOWEVER WHAT I AM SAYING IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT STOPS BEING GROSS AND AWFUL AND SCARY WHEN SOMEONE IS CARVED TO PIECES AND IT STARTS BEING COOL. WHAT KIND OF BEING THINKS THAT IS COOL. IT IS JUST A THOUGHT.

A COLD DAY OF THOUGHTS

TODAY I AM TYPING IN CAPITALS. IT DOESN'T MEAN I AM YELLING AS THE CYBER-SPACE CONTINGENT HAS INFORMED ME. IT MEANS THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE HITTING SHIFT WHEN CAPITALS ARE ACTUALLY NEEDED AND AVOIDS THAT GUILTY FEELING I GET WHEN I DON'T CAPITALIZE WHEN IT IS NECESSARY. TALK ABOUT WEIRD AND ABNORMAL PHOBIAS. OH WELL, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT WHEN YOU ARE TAUGHT SOMETHING IT GRABS HOLD OF YOUR BRAIN WITH A VENGEANCE. NOW THERE IS A THOUGHT; WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG AND YOU ARE BEING EDUCATED THE LESSONS ARE REPEATED OVER AND OVER UNTIL THEY SEEM TO BE HARDWIRED INTO YOUR BRAIN. DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK THAT MAYBE YOUNG CHILDREN BEING EXPOSED TO VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL VISIONS ON TELEVISION AND VIDEO GAMES ON A CONSTANT BASIS MIGHT BE HAVING SOMETHING TOTALLY EVIL HARDWIRED INTO THEIR BRAINS? I NEVER USED TO FEEL THIS WAY BUT LATELY I HAVE WITNESSED BEHAVIOR AND LISTENED TO TALK FROM YOUNGER PEOPLE THAT SUGGESTS THE TRUTH OF THIS MATTER. AND WHY ARE SO MANY VIDEO GAMES BASED ON VIOLENCE? WHAT IS THE DRAW? WHY HAVE WE STOPPED STRIVING FOR THE HIGHER GROUND, FOR THE BETTER PARTS OF OURSELVES,FOR THE SOFTER PARTS OF OURSELVES? WHAT FEAR HAS IMPOSED ITSELF UPON US TO MAKE US GIVE UP ON THE IDEA OF A SHANGRAI-LA EXISTENCE WHERE PEACE AND HARMONY EXIST. WHERE MANKIND THRIVES AND GROWS WHILE CARING FOR EACH OTHER LIKE WE WERE ALL ONE. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MAN? WHEN DID WE REVERT TO ANIMAL. NO MATTER HOW TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED WE HAVE BECOME, SPIRITUALLY WE ARE STARTING TO REVERT TO THE DARK AGES. I AM NOT TALKING GOD HERE PEOPLE BECAUSE THAT IS JUST A LABEL. I AM TALKING INNER SPIRITUALITY WHERE THE TRUTH EXISTS. WHERE WE KNOW THAT VIOLENCE BEGETS VIOLENCE AND WE KNOW THAT HATE BEGETS HATE AND WE TRULY KNOW THAT WE ARE ONE SOUL BOUND TOGETHER. THE HARM WE DO TO EACH OTHER IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AS WE ARE TRULY ONE. MAN IS BEING SEIZED BY AN EVIL; AN EVIL THAT IS PERVASIVE AND STRONG. I FEEL THAT EVIL EVERYDAY, WITHIN MYSELF AS WELL AS AROUND ME. I AM AFRAID.

just another day

Sitting here wondering why I am even writing anything. Maybe just so I will realize I still can. Anyway the brownies are in the oven and the smell is quite pleasant. Since I can acknowledge that something is pleasant I guess I am okay. Yes once again I am spiraling into my own world of angst. Where everything means nothing and nothing means everything. Where I cannot feel and yet feel too much. There is a sense of unbalance and uncomfortableness. I feel alone yet surrounded by so many that there is a pressure both from the outside and the inside. I am unrecognized as myself always an extension of someone elses needs, wants, perceptions. Yet I am almost sure that it is my own perception of myself and the world around me that is askew. I believe that I am crying out for help and don't really believe that there is any help to be found. For if I cannot define what the problem is how can anyone know what to do to help. Always there is the question that has no answer. It just is.
Ah, I believe I have found the problem and the answer all in one. It just is.

A Moment of Peace

As I gaze at the flowering vine
adorning the dark green tree,
An unlooked for sense of peace
suddenly comes over me.
All the many things that
have been troubling my mind;
You know what things,
the annoying, irritating kind.
They seem to fade away
for a tiny little while.
And while they are gone,
I remember once again how to smile.

Let's Make Something

Let's make something; that's what I say
Let's make something; let's make it today
We'll take wood, maybe paper and maybe some yarn
We'll take wire, or glass, or something to darn
Anything we find can become something new
Perhaps we shall paint it purple, green, maybe blue
There is no limit to what we can make
It doesn't matter how long it might take
For when we make something that is so unique
Into our souls we give you a peek
So come join us today and have a ball
Let's make something I say; one and all

An invitation to gallery of artists(meaning anyone)
Which I would have if I were rich

YOU DON'T ACT THE WAY I EXPECT YOU TO
AND IT MAKES ME MAD
YOU DON'T THINK OF ME THE WAY I WANT YOU TO
AND IT MAKES ME SAD
YET HOW COULD YOU ACT AND THINK THAT WAY
HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW
YET HOW COULD YOU REALIZE THAT IT'S ALL WRONG
UNLESS I TELL YOU SO
WHY CAN'T I OPEN UP MY MOUTH AND SPEAK
AND TELL YOU WHAT I NEED
NO I JUST SIT HERE ALONE AND SULLEN
AFRAID MY WORDS YOU WON'T HEED
WHY DON'T I LET YOU BE YOURSELF
AND GIVE ME WHAT YOU CAN
WHY DON'T I BE YOUR LOVING LADY
AND YOU MY LOVING MAN

The Opening Among the Trees

There is an opening among the trees

behind the place I work

There is an opening among the trees

where the fairy folk do lurk

As I peer into the darkened path

among the deep green trees

As I peer into the darkened path

you wonder what she sees

Well let me tell you friend and foe

I see a wonderous land

Well let me tell you friend and foe

you will never understand

For down this darkened path

there is a place that's mine

For down this darkened path

there is a life so fine

The world I'd find there among the trees

is mine and mine alone

The world I'd find there among the trees

does not exist you moan

Well let me tell you friend and foe

your words I will not hear

Well let me tell you friend and foe

it soon will all be clear

There is an opening among the trees

behind the place I work

There is and opening among the trees

where the fairy folk do lurk

a poem for danna

GROWING UP IS HARD TO DO

JUST AS HARD FOR ME AS YOU

YOU THINK WHEN YOU GET OLDER YOU ARE DONE

BUT THIS IS A BATTLE THAT IS NEVER WON

IT IS A PROCESS FOREVER ONGOING

IT CONTINUES WITHOUT US EVEN KNOWING

ENJOY EACH PART OF THE WONDER THAT GROWING BRINGS

GROWING UP AND OLDER WILLGIVE YOU WINGS

'WINGS TO FLY UP AND AWAY

WINGS TO FLY TO A WONDEROUS DAY

Can You Hear Me Lord?

Can you hear me Lord Are you up there somewhere

Can you hear me Lord I don't really care

Can you hear me Lord don't mind what I say

Can you hear me Lord will I find my way

Can you hear me Lord Is there a way you can show

Can you hear me Lord If you do please let me know

Waiting for the Bus

Waiting for the bus
Under a clouded sky
Waiting for the bus
As the traffic goes by
Waiting for the bus
But it's only Monday
Waiting for the bus
He won't expect me today
Waiting for the bus
A little too early again
Waiting for the bus
To come but when
Waiting for the bus
And writing this poem
Waiting for the bus
I want to go home

A breeze has come up

Monday I woke up caught in the doldrums. There was no reason for it and at first it felt like a persistent gnat buzzing around in my head distracting me from doing anything real. I fought it and did a few things around the house but it seemed to get worse when I fought it. I slowly just let it take me into it's grip which is where I have been for the last couple of days. I know it is hard for my family to understand when this happens to me because I don't understand it. It scares me a little because I feel that if I was alone with nothing to shake me awake a little the feeling would never end. So I have stalled in the land of doldrums for a few days only occasionally lifting my head to gaze toward tomorrow. Today for no apparent reason there has been a bit of forward activity in my soul and I believe I may leave this land of the doldrums for awhile. I am not saying I won't run aground here again; it is inevitable. I just hope that I will always have the ability to wait it out and move forward again. For forward is the direction of life even unto death which is probably why we hit the doldrums occasionally. After all even the most religious of people have a small anxiety regarding the land of death and I am definitely not one bouyed up by religion. Maybe I am feeling better because yesterday I did watch a movie called Two Weeks starring Sally Fields. It was about a dying mother and her family and I cried and cried because that will be me someday and yes I am afraid but mostly because maybe I will be lost forever then. Or maybe I won't and the thought of inflicting that pain on my children is more than I can sometimes deal with. Are your fifties too soon for thoughts of dying and death. Why does it feel like regrets are the one thing filling up my mind. Well I probably should stop writing before the slight breeze that is propelling me forward in life goes away and I find myself in the land of doldrums forever. Just breath.

Why today?

What is so special or unspecial as the case may be about today. What aura is floating around me making me be this way. What phenomenon is happening to cause this feeling. Why does everything seem off. What shall I do about it. Shall I do anything. What is the problem. Who knows. Today I am tired.

aging

This is just a quick note.
I am not handling this aging business very well, but that is not surprising.
Well anyway, the other day I was looking in the mirror which in of itself is a dangerous thing to do.
But anyway I place my hands on my face under my eyes and gently pulled the skin tighter and holy smokes there I was the me I remembered. The me that was never pretty enough and the me I'd like back. But that is not going to happen. It makes me understand the whole nip and tuck craze a little better though.
Anyway it made me think of that scene in the movie Hook where the little boy pushes the skin on Robin Williams face back and says there you are Peter.
Just a thought.

If I Could Fly Away

If I could fly away I'd fly away today

 If I were to go right now I'm sure you'd get by somehow 

 Fly away to the sky

 Leave this place

 No reason why

 Fly away, fly away, fly away

 Let me fly, fly away from you

 You know it's what you have to do

 As time goes by, you soon shall see

 How hard it is to remember me

 Fly away to the sky

 Leave this place 

No reason why

 Fly away, fly away, fly away

 I'm not the one, this you know

 It's just as everyone told you so 

We are not the match you thought we were

 You'll be better off, of this I'm sure

 Fly away to the sky

 Leave this place No reason why

 Fly away, fly away, fly away

 As I spread my wings and prepare to fly

 Farewell to you, please do not cry

WELL EASTER HAS COME AND GONE. THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE TRADITIONAL BUNNY CAKE. IT'S ABOUT THE ONLY THING LEFT OF ANY TRADITIONS FOR THE DAY. OH I AM JUST BEING GLUM. WASN'T A BAD DAY ALL AND ALL. WENT TO TANYA'S FOR DINNER BUT BROUGHT A TURKEY FOR MIKE AND ERIC. STILL THE FEELING OF BEING OUT OF SORTS CONTINUES TO PERSIST ON HOLIDAYS AND I GUESS THAT IS WHY I AM ALWAYS GLAD WHEN THEY ARE OVER. GLAD BUT ALSO SAD BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE GREAT DAYS. STILL NOTHING STAYS THE SAME I GUESS. WISHING FOR THE DAYS OF CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE, CHOCOLATE BUNNIES,STUFFED ANIMALS AND JUST DOWN RIGHT CRAZY FUN. I SERIOUSLY WHINE WAY TOO MUCH.

Letting My Feelings Out

MY NAME IS JACKIE
AND NO ONE CARES
MY NAME IS JACKIE
IT IS I SWEAR
MY HAIR IS BLONDE
WELL NOT ANYMORE
MY EYES ARE BLUE
NOT AS BLUE AS BEFORE
I USED TO KNOW
HOW TO LIVE IN THE NOW
I USED TO KNOW
BUT HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW
I THINK ABOUT YESTERDAY
A LOT IT SEEMS
I THINK ABOUT TOMORROW
AND WONDER WHAT IT MEANS
WONDER WHAT IT MEANS
TO FEEL LIKE I'VE DIED
WONDER WHY I WANT
TO ALWAY HIDE
HIDE FROM THOUGHTS
AND THESE THINGS I FEEL
HIDE FROM THIS LIFE
THAT DOESN'T SEEM REAL


and this is only poetry that expresses temporary and unimportant feelings so don't make too much of it

have you ever noticed that the word poetry looks funny like it is saying poet try

yes i know i am strange what can i say

Sometimes It's All Too Much

Today is not a good day. Then again everyday seems to not be a good day. It's all too much sometimes and I wish it would all go away. I wish I could be the person that makes it all right,that knows all the answers and that can lead the way. The fact is I'm not. I am as lost as a person could be and I want someone to show me the way or I really want the way to just appear like magic. I am scared all the time now; scared that it's all going to come to an end or maybe that isn't the word. It feels like an avalanche that started with a pebble so small but building so fast and now the mountainside is coming down. I feel like I am being buried under an avalanche of worry, regrets, fear, and an active dislike for myself. Sometimes, because I can't figure out how to make it all better and make it all work I want the darkness I feel on the edge of my life to close in and enfold me in the finality of the end.

Let's Pretend Category: Life
Exactly what is pretend, make-believe, play-acting? What is it for and does it come natural or do we teach it to our children. Why do human's pretend? What kind of defense mechanism is it. For I really believe it must be just that. If life involves you fully why pretend at anything; there would be no time or room for it. I guess pretending when you are a child is a way of learning; a way of taking the information you are absorbing and sorting it out. Yet that same learning mechanism in children can become a defense mechanism in adults. Sure adults pretend or play-act at times for entertainment but also to hide what is the reality of their life. The evolvement of the human brain has made us incapable of being satisfied with the day to day existence of survival. We are always seeking more and are not always sure what that more is. Thus we pretend. We pretend to know what we are doing. We pretend to know what we want. We pretend to be satisfied and happy. We pretend that anything matters at all. When all along the reality of life is basic. Eat, sleep , and other bodily functions and everything else is there to support those basics. We are just beings being born, growing, and dying. Nothing really matters; it is just existence. So we will pretend it matters then maybe it will. We will pretend to know and then maybe we will. We will pretend to be complete and maybe the emptyness will leave us alone. I don't really know; after all I am only pretending

memories

I read an article in a magazine about writing your memoirs. I guess I thought memoirs were the same as writing your autobiography but according to the article this is not so. The article stated that memoirs are what it sounds like, memories written as though you were reliving them. The only problem I have with the concept is that my memory is not quite what it used to be. I tend to remember like I dream; in snippets and bits. More a since of the memory than the detail of the memory. In fact if I try to remember so things my mind starts to perceive the memory as imagined. So that leaves me in a state of confusion with a sense of loss. Like a part of myself that I have "remembered" is no longer real so a part of myself is gone. Since we live such busy lives and so many events occur during those lives, our memory bank can get very full. I believe that some memories get compressed to make room for new. They don't go away but become increasingly difficult to access. And since there is so much information flying past us at all times our memories become sullied with bits and pieces that don't belong. Thus when the memory is accessed it may not be totally true to the actual event. This fact makes a person wary of writing ones memoirs. Afraid that the memory they are writing about might not actually be their own or totally imagined. Very much like those tales that old men tell getting bigger with each telling. So I think that I would much rather write memories with disclaimer at the front warning the reader that the memories is based on a fact but may not be totally factual.

My world has gone to a strange shade of gray. Not totally without color but yet not showing any sign of the intensity of a colorful life. Nothing major is the reason for this and it may be just my perceptions of things. I am after all no longer a young woman nor am I yet an elderly woman. I am something in between which might be the reason for the gray. No longer where I once was yet not quite where I will be just here. Here in a place that confuses me and makes me hide. Hide from the memories of youth that I long for; hide from the fear of age that I dread. Leaving me without the ability to live my life at this moment to the fullest thus wasting the precious minutes I have been given. Yes I am aware that this self-pity and fear and lethargy is wasting the small amount of time I have been allotted in this world yet I do not know how to shake this angst. I pray for some sign or a jolt of energy to help me in this time of gray.

When Someone Lifts You Up

I have this young friend who I work with. I have known her since she was a shy and bit introverted teenager. As she got older and life touched her more we has some amazing conversation. Sometimes the content might have seemed questionable to her mother but she has such a questioning mind that I would forget myself. With time I began to realize that I needn't watch myself while conversing with her because she wasn't quite as innocent and naive as she would have people think. Our conversations covered a diverse range of subjects and most of the time I would just ramble on. She is like a sponge just absorbing all that she hears. Sometimes we disagree and there have been times that I think she might have judged me a bit harshly for decisions I made in my life. Still when she received all the facts she might have softened her judgements a bit. If anything this young friend of mind is fairminded. The main object of this post is to let the world and her know of her unique ability to build people up. To make them feel that the words and thoughts that come from them are of interest and importance. This is not a small ability let me tell you. In a world that can make you feel small and insignificant what great gift than a friend who make you feel like you are seen and heard. This is just my small way of saying thank you.

conversations

I remember a time when I could sit with my little boy and talk and talk and think this boy has a mind that is looking for answers. I knew I wouldn't be able to give him answers because I have always looked for them too. I tried to give him thoughts to roll around in his mind to maybe help him find his own answers. I truly believe there are not specific answers to the questions we all have about life. That there are only answers specific to ourselves and we and we alone are the ones that have to find them. It would be so much easier if there were specific answers and we could be comfortable taking those answers and living life accordingly. It could very well be that there are specific answers and I am just unable to comprehend the rights and wrongs of life. I don't really know; I can only know how I think and feel. I can listen and ponder what others tell me but in the end, how and when I use what I have heard,is essentially an answer I have come up with, making it my answer and mine only. Even if the answer is very very similar to someone else's answer it is still stamped with my interpretation of how things are and should be, thus making it unique and mine. I am not sure if this makes any sense but then again there comes into play the uniqueness that makes up each individual. I can only hope that my son someday understands that we are all looking for answers and that all the answers that are found have some merit even if they don't look like the ones he has found.

feeling empty at the start of the year

So I haven't been writing lately and I'm not sure why I am doing it now.
Just the fact that I am doing anything but laying in bed trying not think is
amazing. I ended the old year being pissy because I wanted to be doing something
I am not sure what. I just didn't want to be bored like I always seem to be. My
mother would tell me there is no reason to be bored, find something to do. That's
just the thing; there are things to do but they don't appeal to me or my brain
doesn't see the sense in doing them. It feels so weird and I can't shake this cloud
of blah that descends on me coloring my world a hazy gray. I feel like I am dead
but forgot to die. I am lost and am not sure if I want to be found or left to fade away.
I hate writing this stuff because I feel stupid and pathetic. There are people with
real problems and when I put this stuff down in words I feel like a crybaby.
What a way to start the New Year. I hope this feeling goes away soon.