Exploding mouth syndrome

 The title Exploding mouth syndrome is what seems to be happening to me lately. Mostly I try, emphasis on try, to keep some of my thoughts and feelings inside my head. I think that by doing so I create so much pressure that they come flying out of my mouth at the smallest provocation. It is horrifying to me that it happens because I realize that sometimes the stuff I say is way too reactive to the situation. I usually apologize to whomever is the target which kind of negates my feelings and starts to create a new pressure build up. I sometimes try to let the thoughts and feelings out a little at a time through conversation but usually I feel like I am not being heard so I stop. Then wham my mouth explodes and a multitude of things are said that usually are not nice. Then the apology and the cycle starts anew. I liked it better when I could just keep pushing stuff to the back of my mind so no waves were made. Now when I feel something but don't say anything I literally feel like I am suffocating. Yet when I do say something I also feel like I am suffocating. This is why I constantly feel like I can't breathe. 

Feelings Best Left Unsaid

She wakes to yet another day with a sense of dread and sadness
When did these feelings start to dominate her world
Once more she goes through the motions of the day, much like the day before
However the motions have started to be spaced with periods of nothingness
Just sitting not wanting to move or start the next useless activity to fill a day
This is a terrible way to feel, to act, to live, this she knows
She is not quite herself but can't seem to figure out what herself should be
There is anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment and self hatred
There are tears and pain and hopelessness fighting to get loose
She knows she should not feel or act the way that she does, which makes it worse
Just stop her mind screams, get up, do the stuff that has to be done
Just stop her mind screams, do something to distract yourself
Just stop her mind screams do not let your emotions take hold and control you
She feels like she should be quiet and invisible so no one will know
She feels like she should be quiet and invisible so not to cause pain
She does not stay quiet though she mostly feels invisible
She does not stay quiet and most likely causes others pain
She wishes it was not this way
She is very tired of it all

Letting My Feelings Out

MY NAME IS JACKIE
AND NO ONE CARES
MY NAME IS JACKIE
IT IS I SWEAR
MY HAIR IS BLONDE
WELL NOT ANYMORE
MY EYES ARE BLUE
NOT AS BLUE AS BEFORE
I USED TO KNOW
HOW TO LIVE IN THE NOW
I USED TO KNOW
BUT HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW
I THINK ABOUT YESTERDAY
A LOT IT SEEMS
I THINK ABOUT TOMORROW
AND WONDER WHAT IT MEANS
WONDER WHAT IT MEANS
TO FEEL LIKE I'VE DIED
WONDER WHY I WANT
TO ALWAY HIDE
HIDE FROM THOUGHTS
AND THESE THINGS I FEEL
HIDE FROM THIS LIFE
THAT DOESN'T SEEM REAL


and this is only poetry that expresses temporary and unimportant feelings so don't make too much of it

have you ever noticed that the word poetry looks funny like it is saying poet try

yes i know i am strange what can i say

The Strange Feeling You Get Seeing Your Own Words In Print

Wow, I have such and ego problem. Normally low self-esteem dogs me every day. Or does it? Sometimes I believe I falsely give the impression of low self-esteem so people do not realize how full of myself I am. I mean really; why am I on here blogging like anyone wants to read what I have to say. Or maybe I am just doing this to validate my existence; my thought process, myself really. I used to write in a journal and then I stopped. My journals became histories of my idiosyncrasies that seemed to haunt me. When I can think and type my thoughts come faster and seem to release emotions that I keep pent up on a normal basis. But back to that strange feeling. I sit here and write, rambling most of the time. Then when I read things that I have written; I think wow there I am right there for everyone to see. And because it is in print for some reason I feel more real than I normally do. You see; sometimes I don't feel real. Sometimes I don't feel like I really exist. Odd huh?