What is going on inside my head?

I am writing this just to clarify things inside my head. That is a difficult thing these days. I have been having a lot of trouble just dealing with life lately. I seem to want to sleep or just not move at all. The things I used to do to distract myself when I got anxious or irritated don't have the power they used to. This is maybe a sign that I need to meet things head on but I know I won't do that. It is not in my makeup. I have always been over the top with my emotions but I have always been able to reign them in eventually. Of course when my life was a bit more basic, what with young kids and all I was probably too busy to let this weirdness take hold. I know I probably could be busy with the grandchildren but I can't seem to get the energy that is required for that. There is a sense of disconnection that is ever growing. It is like when you walk through a spider-web and it sticks to you no matter how much you try to brush it away. It is like a creeping fungus that persists on taking over no matter what methods you use to rid yourself of it. It is very hard to describe this sense of disconnection. Have you ever just had enough of these grownup problems so you try to lose yourself in childhood or maybe just youthful memories? Those times that seemed so fun and effortless? When I remember events from my past that used to bring a smile to my face or even a nostalgic tear, it feels like I am remembering someone else's life or maybe scenes from a book I have read. There is no real connection. It is very scary. It is almost like waking from amnesia with memories but your emotions cannot connect to those memories. I keep telling myself , snap out of it Jackie but it isn't working so far. Now I am not writing this to worry anyone, just to put it in print so it isn't just another thought rolling around in my head trying to control me. I will work it all out I am sure. I always seem to manage. Sleep is a bit of a problem. I either do too much of it or it eludes me. I can sleep solid for a couple of hours, wake and then it takes a long time to go back to sleep. The thoughts just won't shut up inside my head no matter what tricks I use. Then lo and behold I must fall asleep because I find myself waking from some strange dream. On the days I don't have to work I can sleep for way too long. The strange dreams call to me, they seem so much more real than life. Odd isn't it. Well enough of this venting on paper. Maybe some of these thoughts will leave me alone for awhile.

A COLD DAY OF THOUGHTS

TODAY I AM TYPING IN CAPITALS. IT DOESN'T MEAN I AM YELLING AS THE CYBER-SPACE CONTINGENT HAS INFORMED ME. IT MEANS THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE HITTING SHIFT WHEN CAPITALS ARE ACTUALLY NEEDED AND AVOIDS THAT GUILTY FEELING I GET WHEN I DON'T CAPITALIZE WHEN IT IS NECESSARY. TALK ABOUT WEIRD AND ABNORMAL PHOBIAS. OH WELL, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT WHEN YOU ARE TAUGHT SOMETHING IT GRABS HOLD OF YOUR BRAIN WITH A VENGEANCE. NOW THERE IS A THOUGHT; WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG AND YOU ARE BEING EDUCATED THE LESSONS ARE REPEATED OVER AND OVER UNTIL THEY SEEM TO BE HARDWIRED INTO YOUR BRAIN. DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK THAT MAYBE YOUNG CHILDREN BEING EXPOSED TO VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL VISIONS ON TELEVISION AND VIDEO GAMES ON A CONSTANT BASIS MIGHT BE HAVING SOMETHING TOTALLY EVIL HARDWIRED INTO THEIR BRAINS? I NEVER USED TO FEEL THIS WAY BUT LATELY I HAVE WITNESSED BEHAVIOR AND LISTENED TO TALK FROM YOUNGER PEOPLE THAT SUGGESTS THE TRUTH OF THIS MATTER. AND WHY ARE SO MANY VIDEO GAMES BASED ON VIOLENCE? WHAT IS THE DRAW? WHY HAVE WE STOPPED STRIVING FOR THE HIGHER GROUND, FOR THE BETTER PARTS OF OURSELVES,FOR THE SOFTER PARTS OF OURSELVES? WHAT FEAR HAS IMPOSED ITSELF UPON US TO MAKE US GIVE UP ON THE IDEA OF A SHANGRAI-LA EXISTENCE WHERE PEACE AND HARMONY EXIST. WHERE MANKIND THRIVES AND GROWS WHILE CARING FOR EACH OTHER LIKE WE WERE ALL ONE. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MAN? WHEN DID WE REVERT TO ANIMAL. NO MATTER HOW TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED WE HAVE BECOME, SPIRITUALLY WE ARE STARTING TO REVERT TO THE DARK AGES. I AM NOT TALKING GOD HERE PEOPLE BECAUSE THAT IS JUST A LABEL. I AM TALKING INNER SPIRITUALITY WHERE THE TRUTH EXISTS. WHERE WE KNOW THAT VIOLENCE BEGETS VIOLENCE AND WE KNOW THAT HATE BEGETS HATE AND WE TRULY KNOW THAT WE ARE ONE SOUL BOUND TOGETHER. THE HARM WE DO TO EACH OTHER IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AS WE ARE TRULY ONE. MAN IS BEING SEIZED BY AN EVIL; AN EVIL THAT IS PERVASIVE AND STRONG. I FEEL THAT EVIL EVERYDAY, WITHIN MYSELF AS WELL AS AROUND ME. I AM AFRAID.

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I remember a time when I could sit with my little boy and talk and talk and think this boy has a mind that is looking for answers. I knew I wouldn't be able to give him answers because I have always looked for them too. I tried to give him thoughts to roll around in his mind to maybe help him find his own answers. I truly believe there are not specific answers to the questions we all have about life. That there are only answers specific to ourselves and we and we alone are the ones that have to find them. It would be so much easier if there were specific answers and we could be comfortable taking those answers and living life accordingly. It could very well be that there are specific answers and I am just unable to comprehend the rights and wrongs of life. I don't really know; I can only know how I think and feel. I can listen and ponder what others tell me but in the end, how and when I use what I have heard,is essentially an answer I have come up with, making it my answer and mine only. Even if the answer is very very similar to someone else's answer it is still stamped with my interpretation of how things are and should be, thus making it unique and mine. I am not sure if this makes any sense but then again there comes into play the uniqueness that makes up each individual. I can only hope that my son someday understands that we are all looking for answers and that all the answers that are found have some merit even if they don't look like the ones he has found.