A breeze has come up

Monday I woke up caught in the doldrums. There was no reason for it and at first it felt like a persistent gnat buzzing around in my head distracting me from doing anything real. I fought it and did a few things around the house but it seemed to get worse when I fought it. I slowly just let it take me into it's grip which is where I have been for the last couple of days. I know it is hard for my family to understand when this happens to me because I don't understand it. It scares me a little because I feel that if I was alone with nothing to shake me awake a little the feeling would never end. So I have stalled in the land of doldrums for a few days only occasionally lifting my head to gaze toward tomorrow. Today for no apparent reason there has been a bit of forward activity in my soul and I believe I may leave this land of the doldrums for awhile. I am not saying I won't run aground here again; it is inevitable. I just hope that I will always have the ability to wait it out and move forward again. For forward is the direction of life even unto death which is probably why we hit the doldrums occasionally. After all even the most religious of people have a small anxiety regarding the land of death and I am definitely not one bouyed up by religion. Maybe I am feeling better because yesterday I did watch a movie called Two Weeks starring Sally Fields. It was about a dying mother and her family and I cried and cried because that will be me someday and yes I am afraid but mostly because maybe I will be lost forever then. Or maybe I won't and the thought of inflicting that pain on my children is more than I can sometimes deal with. Are your fifties too soon for thoughts of dying and death. Why does it feel like regrets are the one thing filling up my mind. Well I probably should stop writing before the slight breeze that is propelling me forward in life goes away and I find myself in the land of doldrums forever. Just breath.