I Am A Sister

I am a sister. I am one of eleven siblings, eight girls and three boys. Of those eleven siblings there are seven of us still living. I am a sister to my brother Leman. Though he is no longer on the earth with us I am still his sister. Leman was the strength in our family, especially after my dad died. He did the stuff we could not do and his children were as close to us as we were to each other. When he died a hole was left in our universe.  I am a sister to my oldest sister Alberta who is twenty years my senior. Alberta has always been someone who I looked up to and adored. When I was young and my daddy died and my mom and my youngest sister had to move and to be near the family she was always there to help, guide, and have fun with. As I grew older and had children we weren't as close, probably because my life has always been a crazy cyclone of an existence, but the love has never waned. I am a sister to my brother Hank. I do not see my brother because he lives in the south but I will always love him. I have memories of him that will never go away even if we don't see each other. Being on the back end of a large family makes a lot of my siblings seem more like favorite aunts and uncles sometimes or at least it used to be that way. As I grow older I feel more like their sister. I am a sister to my sister Ginny. She also is no longer on this earth with us. Some of my memories of her are tinged with aggravation. She and I seemed to rub each other the wrong way which is odd with the years between us. Maybe we were alike and that is why. Still she was no less loved than my other siblings.  I am a sister to my sister Rosie. Oh what a wonderful woman Rosie is though sometimes she doesn't see it. Creative and hardworking and the most nurturing person you can find. She has been through hardships and recently lost my brother in law which made me worry a bit. Still she has raised an amazing family and it has extended with beautiful children. She is surrounded by love so I no longer worry. I am a sister to my brother Charlie. He was taken from us when he and I both were young. Him a young man and me a little girl. It was my first experience with death and it was horrible. Memories are foggy but are of a fun loving man. His death crumpled my dad, that I do remember and I am sure it sped my father's own death along. I am a sister to my sister Barb. The memories my sister Barb and I made together will always reside in my heart. We didn't see eye to eye always but always came back to a closeness that was wonderful. She is not here with us on this earth but she is always in our heart. I am a sister to my sister Sue. My sister Sue like Rosie does not always see her worth but oh what an amazing nurturing woman she is. I wish we lived closer so we could visit without it being a big event with others always there but it has never been that way and I love her anyway. I am a sister to my sister Betty. She is eight years older than me but I have always felt very close to her. She was there when I was growing into a young woman and like Barb she was my go to for those questions I felt uncomfortable asking my mom or my big sister Alberta who was almost like my mom. She can make me laugh and even if she doesn't agree with the way I conduct my life I never doubt her love for me. Last but not least I am a sister to my sister Sandy. We are the closest in age, she is a year younger than me, and all of our growing up we did together. We were toddlers together, teenagers together, and adults together. We have laughed, we have cried and we have worried about life together. We are different and the same all at once. I don't think she knows how amazing she is. She is loved.

Venting Where I Know No One Will Care

Today has been especially hard for me.  The fact that I feel like my life no longer makes sense seems to have caught up with me.  Most of the time I can hold it inside and just fill time to not think.  Last night I read and then again this morning but then my head started to hurt so I had to get back into real life.  I filled time with dishes and such and then when Rich came home there was dinner to be made. After that it was just like every other night, sitting around not knowing what to do with myself and listening to him play that stupid game and then Wheel of Fortune, blah blah blah. I let myself be sad for a bit and then I took a trip down memory lane by looking at photos, not the best way to feel better but it killed time. Also made me realize that I have lived a life, not always good, not always bad, but a life none the less. So maybe I am just done with life, who knows.

Simple Rules To Try To Navigate Life

I think we all find life a bit hard to navigate. Maybe if we went back to a simpler time it would be easier.  To not get caught up in a whirlwind of crazy we probably should pay attention to some simple logical rules or guidelines if you will that might just help. Do the best you can in whatever you do(this does not mean say it is the best you can do if your heart knows different). Do not cause harm to others(it is basically causing yourself harm so just don't do it). Keep yourself and your environment clean(this might seem silly but no living thing wants to live in filth). You might not think the last thing matters if you are already living a life surrounded by dirt and chaos but it does, you have just pushed the fact that it bothers you behind a door in your mind and trying to not care is keeping you from other things in life. Balance work and play whenever possible(too much of either will have you fighting yourself in your own mind). It would be better to not muddy your mind with alcohol or drugs, they are a powerful seducer but do not contribute to your life and well being(they really don't even when they try to convince you otherwise).  If you cannot be kind to a fellow human being avoid interaction with said human(the unkindness you show them harms you more than you know). Accept your weaknesses and move on(this is part of doing the best you can always). If you have made yourself responsible for another human being(child, partner, etc.) or a pet of some sort, do not shirk that responsibility. If you did not want it you should not have accepted it. Remember that your point of view in life is just that, your point of view. Others have their own point of view and theirs might just be as right as yours. Take care of your physical health and your mental health(things will and do go wrong with these fragile human bodies). 

Do not be mean
Do not cause harm
Do not take what is not yours
Do not make excuses that you know are false
Do not expect more from others than you do from yourself
Do not give up when you have just started
Do not use alcohol or drugs as a crutch


Do get up every day with hope
Do give yourself time to figure things out
Do laugh even if you are sad
Do cry even if you are happy
Do try to care about others
Do accept that you are only a human
Do move forward even if you fail
Do ask for help even if it isn't always forthcoming
Do believe that you are important because you are 

I Should Have Just Expected This

I took the week off to get stuff done that should have been done ten years ago.  Well that didn't happen and the reason is another story all together that I just don't want to address at this moment.  So instead of the doing what I expected I was able to use the time to do Fall and Halloween decorating which I love and hate all at the same time.  I hate the hauling out of things and the putting away of stuff to get ready.  I love when it all starts coming together because it appeals to my sense of whimsy.  Trying to get to the Christmas lights so I could have light on my graveyard was a pain in the you know what but the result was so worth it. It really does look cool.  Rich took a couple of days off so he could fix the floor in the washing machine area and that is getting done at a good pace. Amazing that the hole in the floor is finally getting fixed because the washer blew a hose and I think maybe because I was off too. You would think that this week should make me feel good but I can feel myself falling into a depressed mood as usual, I just wish I could feel optimistic or a least somewhat content for longer than a second.

Third try is the charm

I really have better stuff to do then this but here I am.  I promise I will stop soon.

Oh My Goodness Come On

Well did a trial of linking but to no avail, let's give it another go.

Why Is This Technology So Hard For Me

I want to link my blog to facebook so that when i post something it appears there. Can't really understand how to do it and am getting frustrated. I probably should just leave it alone as some of the time my posts on my blog are a little dark.

Stress and Anxiety The Sneak Attackers

We all experience stress and anxiety on occasion, some of us more than others.  Those of us that deal with these two demons in life frequently, have learned to shut them behind doors in our brains so we can function in a some what normal manner. Unfortunately the locks on these doors are always faulty and wham,in the middle of a mundane normal part of the day, here

come the little demons pinching, poking and harassing us. If we are lucky we ignore them and keeping on presenting a normalcy for those around us and they sometimes retreat back behind their doors with the faulty locks. We are temporarily able to function and even find a bit of joy but are aware the stress and anxiety demons will be back and maybe this time they just might refuse to be put behind doors ever again.

She Was Born Broken

She was born broken yet no one ever guessed.  She was an average baby, maybe a little small but nothing extraordinary going on there.  Growing up in a large family nothing popped to show that maybe she saw things different than the rest of the world. Heck she didn't even realize that she was broken for the longest time. Her first indication that she might be different might have been when her brother died in a car accident. She was only ten after all and it all  happened so fast and then her daddy died shortly after.  All of this sent her life into a spin that she had no control over and the fear began to set in.  The what ifs and what would she do thoughts. Her family was uprooted to a new place to be near other family for support and yet she was continuously afraid.  What if there was a fire what would she do? You see mommy was in a wheel chair and her little sister was her everything so she couldn't lose them right? She had to go to a new school on a different bus than her sister for the first year and that was just so weird and unacceptable. She was scared! It was just them in the country house during the week when her big sister wasn't there and what if there was a fire? She played scenes in her head to come up with solutions but she was ten! She cried a lot because she didn't know how to tell people what was going on inside her head. She kept a lot of things from people because she never knew how to make them feel what she felt. Well folks of course she got through this part of her life but it set a precedence, a system of living and surviving and being scared without really being able to understand why or tell anyone.  After all she really didn't want to be a bother.  As she grew into adolescence her life experiences were probably right up there with every one else's. Friends were a hard thing but she managed a bit, still there was always this feeling of being the tag along the outsider. She was a bit loud and a bit flamboyant maybe to cover the fear that was always lurking in the shadows. The fear that no one really wanted to be with her or hear her.  She read a lot of books as she grew up and into young adulthood because reality didn't quite give her what she needed. The need to be part of something was so strong that she made some choices that probably weren't the best.  Choices that directed her life into what it would become. Now there were choices she could have made that would probably have been worse; yet as she looks back she realizes that the need to be wanted by someone controlled pretty much her every move. Where this need came from is baffling because this girl's family loved her let there be now doubt about that. This is where the,

she was born broken comes in, this constant need for more, more feeling, more recognition, more stimulation running along side constant fear and need for control. As the woman she is now looks back over the many years that have gone by, remembering and reading things that she has written; she realizes or maybe just self-diagnoses the fact that: She was born broken yet no one ever guessed. 

I Am Tired Of Being Me

Here I am again complaining about being me. This time I am complaining because I realize how hard it must be to be around me when I am like this, so I am requesting to no longer be me.  I feel so unhappy and cranky all of the time and I know that the vibe is just radiating off of me and coloring other people's environments.  I just do not know what to do.  Just be happy you say? Well that is easy to say but not easy to do.  I can decide I am no longer going to look at life like it is a horrible survival experience but the feelings are inside of me are warring with the decision, showing me that I am just lying to myself.  I couldn't even begin to say what would make me happy because just about everything is just too much to bear.  Go to work, come home blah blah blah. I really just want to no longer be me, I just no longer want to be.

Disconnect: Now I Get It

Got a call the other day from the school regarding my grandson. During the conversation she commented on how a teacher sensed that he was disconnected and I asked what she meant. She explained that he seemed unable to focus which I thought didn't quite fit the word disconnect. When I was young it was you had your head in the clouds or you were off in your own little world. Now as an adult when I can't seem to enjoy anything that I do or see for longer than two seconds I kind of understand the word disconnect. I have somehow become disconnected to the world around me and I interpret it as being bored. It all seems pointless somehow and the intelligent part of my brain realizes that this is not really true. So you keep doing the things you are used to doing but are not connected. As for my grandson I am pretty sure he is off in his own little world most of the time and the trick will be getting him to engage in the one he lives in. With all of the electronic stimuli that we are assaulted with these days is it any wonder that class room work is just so not interesting?

Live Your Own Lives and Let Me Live Mine

She is the go between and she is tired. She has a hard enough time managing her own life without being put in the middle of other's. How did things end up this way and when will it change? There doesn't seem to be an end to it in sight and she is tired.

A Hole In A Heart And An Emptiness In A Mind

There were tears in her eyes on the day she died
Tears unshed blinding her eyes
Why were there tears you might ask
These tears were for many things she left unsaid
She had no way to express how life made her feel
Things just pressed on her from within and without
There was no helping her with the thoughts in her head
There was no helping her and now she is dead

Taking a Trip Without a Plan, Who's Idea Was That

I wanted to do something special for my birthday which happens to be Rich's birthday also.  My granddaughter got married the day before and the actual day of the birthday we really didn't do anything special.  On Monday we got into the rental car and headed East.  You see I wanted to see the ocean. The goal was Maine but we decided to go to Salem, Mass. first.  I thought this shouldn't be so hard, after all the directions said it was like five or six hours away.  Not being the driver I didn't think about what driving that long would be like. Being the passenger and sitting for that long was not so ducky though.  We did stop several times so that was good.  The worse part was not having an actual road map and relying on wi-fi when we could get it and writing down the directions. You see neither one of us has a smart phone. We made it to Salem around four in the afternoon, yes we did not really start out early enough.  Walked around Salem but didn't do any of the attractions because of time and money. It was kind of cheesy actually. The walk on the pier was nice though. Got back in the car to head to Maine and of course kind of got turned around; stopped in McDonald's to eat and use the wi-fi, boy did I not expect to be eating so much McDonald's on this trip. Got back on the highway in the right direction and headed to Old Orchard Beach, Maine.  Traffic was high and talk about tolls. Trying to take pictures in a fast moving vehicle doesn't really work so I just took in the scenery which was trees and rocks. Note to self take time so you can take a more scenic route.  As it started to get later of course the clouds rolled in and it started to rain which is not good on a high speed highway in an unfamiliar place.  We exited the highway just before our destination to stay at a Ramada Inn.  It was a nice room and they had free wifi, tv and breakfast. Sleeping in a hotel is not easy for me so it was a long night. Spent part of the morning get directions off the wi-fi for the rest of the trip. Ate breakfast which was quite nice and then took off for Old Orchard Beach; of course we got turned around again but quickly found our way.  Drove down the strip to where all of the hotels were and the amusement park but it was really overwhelming and so we backtrack a bit to pine something or other. Parked the car and found beach access, walked through the beach grass to the biggest beach I have ever been on. The wind was so very strong and the sun sparkled off the sand until the clouds found it.  The ocean rolled onto the beach in greeting as we found our way across the expanse of sand to poke our toes into the frigid water.  It was wonderful!  The sand was so firm and hard from the waves but if you stood still near the water the sand started to soften and suck your feet it.  Rich was loving it.  Of course I was on the look out for stuff, shells, driftwood whatever. Tried to take pictures but it was so bright that using a kindle didn't work out so well for me, wish I had gotten my camera back from Eric but oh well. Seriously I should have just enjoy the moment. We didn't stay long on the beach because in the back of my mind was the drive home and since I wasn't the driver it didn't feel right to spend too much time and energy before we began the long drive. I didn't want to leave and wish I had thought it out better to actually spend a few days. The drive home was long but uneventful. We stopped in New Hampshire at a Cracker Barrel to each a late lunch which was delicious and I bought a few souvenirs for the little ones and others. After that it was full steam ahead to get home. First time I have seen the ocean in thirty years so I guess it was worth the stress.

Do We Dream Our Fears?

Woke up this morning with a headache so I got up and took some pain pills and went back to bed. Had the strangest dream ever. Was at work and couldn't actually seem to do my job. Tried to ring customers out and the computer was working correctly and then I couldn't see or figure out which buttons to push. Was taking me forever to do the smallest thing.  The feeling of anxiousness in the dream was just overwhelming. There were other parts in the dream that were even stranger but not meant for public reading. I guess I should have just gotten up and taken the pain pill without going back to bed. It is only ibuprofen but it seems to do that to me every time.

Oh Come On Brain!

Trying to be happy is exhausting I think.  When you have a hard time in life but you talk about it with your significant other to at least try to get life back on track it kind of adds another type of stress.  So you have a couple of good days because the problem is out there and you are both trying to find solutions.  The problem is that for every good moment my brain says so what are you going to do next to keep this going?  And we are not just talking about relationship issues. We are talking about everyday existence.  For every fun or interesting thing that I manage to do my brain says so what is next on the fun train?  My brain just expects every moment to have some kind of wow factor so when it doesn't look out.  Exhaustion immediately sets in and now my brain wants to just sleep.  And yet sleep in itself has it's own set of what's next questions. Dream, wake up, dream wake up, and in the dreams there is always this weird sense of what's next. Listen brain, why can't you just accept life for what it is?  Enjoy what you can and just be for the rest of the time.  What is with this need to be absolutely enjoying every minute of every day and when you don't you just want to escape into the not reality of dreaming? Come on brain!

I Just Can't Control My Spending The Way That I Think I Can

Budgeting is definitely not my forte.  I always think I have a handle on it and then I nickel and dime myself right over my budget.  Granted I don't make a lot of money but if I were more careful it would be fine.  The problem is when I go to the store to grab a two dollar soda and end up with a six to ten dollar order of just stuff.  Or when I calculate what I can spend and then continue to spend more by quick store stops for this that and the other thing.  So I will forever be two steps behind in bills and constantly hoping it will all work out.

Why Don't I just Cut The Garden Back In The Fall

Every fall I swear I am going to cut the garden on the side hill back so I don't have to work so hard in the spring.  And every fall, what with the mums still blooming and Halloween decorating it just never happens.  So every spring I have to brace myself on the hill and break off the dead stalks from the mint and various other natural plants that I let grow there.  Do I wear gloves you ask?  Well that would be the smart thing to do but they just seem to get in my way so I do it all bare handed.  Thus I am typing this with very sore hands but the deed is done.  The clean up of the piles of garden refuse is time consuming and tiring but exercise is good for you, right?  Anyhow the side hill is cleaned up and some daisies that decide to migrate to the lawn have been tucked into the inside perimeters of my side hill garden which seriously resembles the side of a country road.  We shall see what new surprises mother nature brings me this year.  Here is a picture from last year, let's hope I have as much green this year.  

Will The Silly Things I Write Still Be In Cyber Space When I Am Gone?

Rereading pasts posts made me aware today that who I am is pretty much put out there for the world to see.  But unless someone accidentally comes upon it no one will know.  An unread blog is like a time capsule that is never found.  Information that was important to the people that buried it that never gets seen again.  It is just there stuck in limbo.  Makes you curious about the things that are stuck in limbo because no one has been in the right place or right time to find them.  Do they still have a worth or are they just a lost piece of a bigger puzzle.

How Long Will I Keep This Up

Relationship, what exactly does that mean?
A connection, co-existence, mutual survival?
If connection is lost is the relationship done?
If you still co-exist is it still a relationship?
If you are just surviving each other why do you continue?
Life is hard to figure out at the very least so why bother?
How long will I keep this up?

Getting Too Big For His Britches

When your grandson gets old enough to be in an "altercation" at school it starts to get hard.  The child got into it today at school and ended up with a broken hand.  All I can think is he is this bony fragile child and now look.  Not sure of all the facts yet but feel bad for him either way.  It would be easier if grandchildren stayed little.

I Cried Last Night

We all cry at times in our life, for good reasons and for bad.  I try not to cry because it hurts my head and usually resolves nothing.  I guess it might be a safety valve but it makes me feel like here is one more thing that I have no control over.  I can't get over whatever it is that is enveloping me this year.  This sense of nothingness mixed with unbelievable anger.  Anger at the world for no good reason but mostly anger at myself for not being able to live life better.  I honestly don't feel like I belong in this world anymore. I have tried the whole live life for others and that just seems to fuel my anger.  I have tried live life for myself and that just seems lonely.  I try to connect with life hoping that the real thing will kick in but it is not working.  Mostly I just can't believe that either no one can see me falling apart or they, like myself can't figure out what to do,

so they just live around it hoping for things to work out. I don't know how to interact with the people around me but can't seem to go about any kind of activity when there are people around me because I feel like I should be connecting with them in some way.  Since it all seems so wrong I try to sleep a lot which in it's own way is defeating.  Then when I come out of sleep my brain just goes into overdrive and every decision and action that I question does a crazy dance in there like my brain is trying to get me to come up with some kind of fix for this.  But what if there is no fix?  How and why do I go on?  So: I cried last night.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

She breathes in slowly to calm herself
She breathes out with a jerk because her thoughts catch in her throat
She breathes in slowly to keep the thoughts to herself
She breathes out with a jerk for those thoughts make her choke
She breathes in slowly to give herself time to think
She breathes out with a jerk because thinking brings no relief
She breathes in slowly trying to find a way
She breathes out with a jerk knowing the problems are here to stay
She breathes in slowly because that is what she can do
She breathes out with a jerk because her life is not yet through

Time Off Doesn't Always Solve Work Angst

Yesterday was my first day back after six days off.  You would think that I would have been well rested and raring to go.  Well I wasn't well rested because I did yard work the day before.  I also did a ten hour day which I will be doing again today so I got kind of tired.  But I think the real issue is that I just don't enjoy the work like I used to.  I need to work like everyone else does so I just have to get my head around the idea that it is a job and not a recreation.  Still I think it is like everything else in my life there is just something missing.  Here's hoping that the day goes by quickly and that my feet hold out. Oh I forgot to mention that I have to go in early tomorrow because my man has to work and he is my only way to get to work; don't start til nine but will be there at six thirty. Oh joy!

Having Fun Can Hurt

Playing frisbee with the grandkids tires me out a lot easier these days.  Of course it doesn't help that they can't seem to get it to me as easily as I can get it to them.  Some times I can run for it but my knees don't like it. I definitely cannot jump for it, I never could jump easily, which was probably a sign that my knees would be bad as I got older. Then we did some kite flying which was very fun but the whole looking up thing is never good for my neck. When I tried to get the kite up again I had just run out of steam so the little run necessary to launch it was too much for me.  Just got to love getting older.  So today is the day after fun and this old grandma's body and head are not happy.  Such is life.

When You are Just Over It

When you have been taking care of someone for a long time because you felt like it was necessary and they never show any appreciation it is draining.  I wish I was the type of person to say well go ahead then, you are on your own.  Still when you feel that said person is not being realistic and there is a younger person involved what should you do.  I know I have gone about this all wrong but it is the only way I knew so I can't beat myself up about it. And yet, I am so over it.

Come on Girl, Don't Waste the Time Off

First day of a six day stretch of no work.  I was all set to get up early and maybe do some Wii exercising and crafting to get the vacation started but all I have done is sleep and eat so far.  I think I plan on doing to many things and then I am overwhelmed.  Or the so very cloudy day is holding me back.  Seriously, now I am blaming the clouds for my own issues.  Just need to cut myself some slack I guess because honestly who am I hurting by doing nothing, only myself and I just need to be okay with it.  I still have a big part of the day so I am going to try to motivate myself.  Put on some music and turn on the overhead light and do stuff.  Hmmm, maybe get out the sewing machine and make my rainbow blanket.  Rainbow blanket you ask? Well I bought a bunch of scarves on sale of all colors and I am going to sew them together to make a rainbow blanket.  Or I actually see it hanging on a rope outside as an encouragement to painting this summer. I'm late, I'm late for a very important date. 

The Dangerous Lure of Dreaming

Since I have been having a hard time dealing with life this year; my dreams seems to grab hold of me and it is hard to force myself out of bed.  If it weren't for alarms and the fact that the human body will actually only stay asleep so long I could be tempted to just stay asleep forever. Dreams are like short stories, they catch your interest but are over before you tire of them.  Your brain is so full of information that there are endless possibilities for the creation of these snippets of interaction in the dreamworld and yet it seems like your consciousness is aware of the non-reality that is going on.  Thus there is no lasting effect of whatever dream you have.  If you are dreaming something that starts to feel too real or is upsetting, you wake a bit, turn over and basically change the channel.  There are times when the dream is insistent though and that is probably a message come from the reality inside your head.  Unfortunately I can't seem to figure anything out either in real life or in dreams so those insistent dreams are not my favorite.