A breeze has come up

Monday I woke up caught in the doldrums. There was no reason for it and at first it felt like a persistent gnat buzzing around in my head distracting me from doing anything real. I fought it and did a few things around the house but it seemed to get worse when I fought it. I slowly just let it take me into it's grip which is where I have been for the last couple of days. I know it is hard for my family to understand when this happens to me because I don't understand it. It scares me a little because I feel that if I was alone with nothing to shake me awake a little the feeling would never end. So I have stalled in the land of doldrums for a few days only occasionally lifting my head to gaze toward tomorrow. Today for no apparent reason there has been a bit of forward activity in my soul and I believe I may leave this land of the doldrums for awhile. I am not saying I won't run aground here again; it is inevitable. I just hope that I will always have the ability to wait it out and move forward again. For forward is the direction of life even unto death which is probably why we hit the doldrums occasionally. After all even the most religious of people have a small anxiety regarding the land of death and I am definitely not one bouyed up by religion. Maybe I am feeling better because yesterday I did watch a movie called Two Weeks starring Sally Fields. It was about a dying mother and her family and I cried and cried because that will be me someday and yes I am afraid but mostly because maybe I will be lost forever then. Or maybe I won't and the thought of inflicting that pain on my children is more than I can sometimes deal with. Are your fifties too soon for thoughts of dying and death. Why does it feel like regrets are the one thing filling up my mind. Well I probably should stop writing before the slight breeze that is propelling me forward in life goes away and I find myself in the land of doldrums forever. Just breath.

Why today?

What is so special or unspecial as the case may be about today. What aura is floating around me making me be this way. What phenomenon is happening to cause this feeling. Why does everything seem off. What shall I do about it. Shall I do anything. What is the problem. Who knows. Today I am tired.

aging

This is just a quick note.
I am not handling this aging business very well, but that is not surprising.
Well anyway, the other day I was looking in the mirror which in of itself is a dangerous thing to do.
But anyway I place my hands on my face under my eyes and gently pulled the skin tighter and holy smokes there I was the me I remembered. The me that was never pretty enough and the me I'd like back. But that is not going to happen. It makes me understand the whole nip and tuck craze a little better though.
Anyway it made me think of that scene in the movie Hook where the little boy pushes the skin on Robin Williams face back and says there you are Peter.
Just a thought.

If I Could Fly Away

If I could fly away I'd fly away today

 If I were to go right now I'm sure you'd get by somehow 

 Fly away to the sky

 Leave this place

 No reason why

 Fly away, fly away, fly away

 Let me fly, fly away from you

 You know it's what you have to do

 As time goes by, you soon shall see

 How hard it is to remember me

 Fly away to the sky

 Leave this place 

No reason why

 Fly away, fly away, fly away

 I'm not the one, this you know

 It's just as everyone told you so 

We are not the match you thought we were

 You'll be better off, of this I'm sure

 Fly away to the sky

 Leave this place No reason why

 Fly away, fly away, fly away

 As I spread my wings and prepare to fly

 Farewell to you, please do not cry

WELL EASTER HAS COME AND GONE. THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE TRADITIONAL BUNNY CAKE. IT'S ABOUT THE ONLY THING LEFT OF ANY TRADITIONS FOR THE DAY. OH I AM JUST BEING GLUM. WASN'T A BAD DAY ALL AND ALL. WENT TO TANYA'S FOR DINNER BUT BROUGHT A TURKEY FOR MIKE AND ERIC. STILL THE FEELING OF BEING OUT OF SORTS CONTINUES TO PERSIST ON HOLIDAYS AND I GUESS THAT IS WHY I AM ALWAYS GLAD WHEN THEY ARE OVER. GLAD BUT ALSO SAD BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE GREAT DAYS. STILL NOTHING STAYS THE SAME I GUESS. WISHING FOR THE DAYS OF CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE, CHOCOLATE BUNNIES,STUFFED ANIMALS AND JUST DOWN RIGHT CRAZY FUN. I SERIOUSLY WHINE WAY TOO MUCH.

Letting My Feelings Out

MY NAME IS JACKIE
AND NO ONE CARES
MY NAME IS JACKIE
IT IS I SWEAR
MY HAIR IS BLONDE
WELL NOT ANYMORE
MY EYES ARE BLUE
NOT AS BLUE AS BEFORE
I USED TO KNOW
HOW TO LIVE IN THE NOW
I USED TO KNOW
BUT HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW
I THINK ABOUT YESTERDAY
A LOT IT SEEMS
I THINK ABOUT TOMORROW
AND WONDER WHAT IT MEANS
WONDER WHAT IT MEANS
TO FEEL LIKE I'VE DIED
WONDER WHY I WANT
TO ALWAY HIDE
HIDE FROM THOUGHTS
AND THESE THINGS I FEEL
HIDE FROM THIS LIFE
THAT DOESN'T SEEM REAL


and this is only poetry that expresses temporary and unimportant feelings so don't make too much of it

have you ever noticed that the word poetry looks funny like it is saying poet try

yes i know i am strange what can i say

Sometimes It's All Too Much

Today is not a good day. Then again everyday seems to not be a good day. It's all too much sometimes and I wish it would all go away. I wish I could be the person that makes it all right,that knows all the answers and that can lead the way. The fact is I'm not. I am as lost as a person could be and I want someone to show me the way or I really want the way to just appear like magic. I am scared all the time now; scared that it's all going to come to an end or maybe that isn't the word. It feels like an avalanche that started with a pebble so small but building so fast and now the mountainside is coming down. I feel like I am being buried under an avalanche of worry, regrets, fear, and an active dislike for myself. Sometimes, because I can't figure out how to make it all better and make it all work I want the darkness I feel on the edge of my life to close in and enfold me in the finality of the end.