My world has gone to a strange shade of gray. Not totally without color but yet not showing any sign of the intensity of a colorful life. Nothing major is the reason for this and it may be just my perceptions of things. I am after all no longer a young woman nor am I yet an elderly woman. I am something in between which might be the reason for the gray. No longer where I once was yet not quite where I will be just here. Here in a place that confuses me and makes me hide. Hide from the memories of youth that I long for; hide from the fear of age that I dread. Leaving me without the ability to live my life at this moment to the fullest thus wasting the precious minutes I have been given. Yes I am aware that this self-pity and fear and lethargy is wasting the small amount of time I have been allotted in this world yet I do not know how to shake this angst. I pray for some sign or a jolt of energy to help me in this time of gray.

When Someone Lifts You Up

I have this young friend who I work with. I have known her since she was a shy and bit introverted teenager. As she got older and life touched her more we has some amazing conversation. Sometimes the content might have seemed questionable to her mother but she has such a questioning mind that I would forget myself. With time I began to realize that I needn't watch myself while conversing with her because she wasn't quite as innocent and naive as she would have people think. Our conversations covered a diverse range of subjects and most of the time I would just ramble on. She is like a sponge just absorbing all that she hears. Sometimes we disagree and there have been times that I think she might have judged me a bit harshly for decisions I made in my life. Still when she received all the facts she might have softened her judgements a bit. If anything this young friend of mind is fairminded. The main object of this post is to let the world and her know of her unique ability to build people up. To make them feel that the words and thoughts that come from them are of interest and importance. This is not a small ability let me tell you. In a world that can make you feel small and insignificant what great gift than a friend who make you feel like you are seen and heard. This is just my small way of saying thank you.

conversations

I remember a time when I could sit with my little boy and talk and talk and think this boy has a mind that is looking for answers. I knew I wouldn't be able to give him answers because I have always looked for them too. I tried to give him thoughts to roll around in his mind to maybe help him find his own answers. I truly believe there are not specific answers to the questions we all have about life. That there are only answers specific to ourselves and we and we alone are the ones that have to find them. It would be so much easier if there were specific answers and we could be comfortable taking those answers and living life accordingly. It could very well be that there are specific answers and I am just unable to comprehend the rights and wrongs of life. I don't really know; I can only know how I think and feel. I can listen and ponder what others tell me but in the end, how and when I use what I have heard,is essentially an answer I have come up with, making it my answer and mine only. Even if the answer is very very similar to someone else's answer it is still stamped with my interpretation of how things are and should be, thus making it unique and mine. I am not sure if this makes any sense but then again there comes into play the uniqueness that makes up each individual. I can only hope that my son someday understands that we are all looking for answers and that all the answers that are found have some merit even if they don't look like the ones he has found.

feeling empty at the start of the year

So I haven't been writing lately and I'm not sure why I am doing it now.
Just the fact that I am doing anything but laying in bed trying not think is
amazing. I ended the old year being pissy because I wanted to be doing something
I am not sure what. I just didn't want to be bored like I always seem to be. My
mother would tell me there is no reason to be bored, find something to do. That's
just the thing; there are things to do but they don't appeal to me or my brain
doesn't see the sense in doing them. It feels so weird and I can't shake this cloud
of blah that descends on me coloring my world a hazy gray. I feel like I am dead
but forgot to die. I am lost and am not sure if I want to be found or left to fade away.
I hate writing this stuff because I feel stupid and pathetic. There are people with
real problems and when I put this stuff down in words I feel like a crybaby.
What a way to start the New Year. I hope this feeling goes away soon.

I AM GOING TO RANT A LITTLE AGAIN. I HAVE SUCH STRANGE THOUGHTS AND WHEN I TRY TO PUT THEM ON PAPER THEY DON'T REALLY COME OUT RIGHT. YOU KNOW HOW YOU LIVE IN THE WORLD; THE GREAT BIG LARGE WORLD? AND HOW YOU LIVE IN YOUR MORE INTIMATE WORLD OF FAMILY,FRIENDS,AND AQUAINTANCES? WELL WHAT IF THERE IS AN EVEN SMALLER WORLD WHICH YOU EXIST WITHIN; YOUR OWN PRIVATE UNIVERSE THAT WRAPS ITSELF AROUND YOU INVISIBLE TO ALL. A WORLD THAT EXIST AS YOU EXIST; A WORLD WHICH IS ULTIMATELY YOU. WHAT IF YOU CAN COEXIST IN THE WORLDS OF OTHERS WITH OUT YOUR OWN WORLD ALWAYS COMING TO THE FOREFRONT SO FOR A LONG TIME YOU WERE NOT EVEN AWARE OF THIS PRIVATE WORLD THAT IS YOU? WHAT IF YOU SUDDENLY REALIZE THAT THE PRIVATE WORLD OF YOURSELF IS A VERY DARK PLACE ; A PLACE THAT WANTS YOU TO STAY THERE AND THERE ONLY. WHAT IF YOU BECOME AWARE THAT THIS DARKNESS COULD POTENTIALLY BE HARMFUL TO THE ONES YOU LOVE? WHAT DO YOU DO? WHAT DO YOU DO?Written by jmdragonwolf Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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Monday, March 3, 2008
8:56:26 PM EST Edit Entry Delete Entry
computer addiction
I SIT HERE PLAYING ON THIS THING THOUGH I HAVE GONE LONG PAST BOREDOM. I DON'T LEAVE I THINK BECAUSE THERE IS A FEELING THAT I MIGHT MISS SOMETHING; WHAT I COULDN'T TELL YOU. SOMEWHERE THERE HAS BEEN EMBEDDED IN MY MIND THAT THERE IS AN AMAZING THING ON HERE IF I CAN JUST FIND IT. WHAT THE AMAZING THING IS I DO NOT KNOW BUT THERE IS THAT FEELING THAT ELUSIVE FEELING. SO I SEARCH , I LOOK, I PLAY , I INTERACT IN WAYS THAT I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THAT SOMETHING; THAT SOMETHING THAT I CANNOT IDENTIFY. I LOSE MYSELF AND BECOME CONFUSED AND AFRAID. SOMETIMES I BECOME AFRAID ENOUGH TO LEAVE AND THAT IS JUST WHAT I AM GOING TO DO NOW. HONESTLY I AM GOING , REALLY, HONESTLY, OH HECK.Written by jmdragonwolf Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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11:35:12 AM EST Edit Entry Delete Entry THE OTHER DAY I CAME UP WITH THIS WEIRD VISUAL OF HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE .

 I VISUALIZED MYSELF AS A MOUSE IN MAZE TRYING TO GET TO THE CHEESE .

 I JUST KEEPING GOING IN NEW DIRECTIONS ALL OF THE TIME SURE I AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK TO FIND THAT DARN CHEESE.

 BUT ALL I DO IS COME TO DEAD ENDS ALL OF THE TIME.

 WHAT I DON'T REALIZE IS THAT THERE IS NO SOLUTION TO THE MAZE AND I AM ON A COURSE TO NOWHERE.

 THEN I REVISED THE VISUAL TO A CONCEPT WHERE THE CHEESE I WAS AFTER WAS CONSIDERED THE BEST CHEESE OF ALL ,

THE ULTIMATE CHEESE YOU COULD SAY.

 THE ODD THING IS THAT AS I TRAVEL THROUGH THE MAZE THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I COME ACROSS PERFECTLY GOOD CHEESES AND DON'T EVEN GIVE THEM A CHANCE BECAUSE OF THE VISION OF THE ULTIMATE CHEESE FILLS MY MIND LEAVING NO ROOM FOR ANYTHING ELSE.

 I TRAVEL THROUGH THIS MAZE WITH NO SOLUTION LOOKING FOR AN IDEAL THAT IS PROBABLY NO BETTER THAN THE REALITY I AM CAPABLE OF REACHING.

 BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP.

 THUS I SLOWLY WITHER AND DIE RATHER THAN GIVE UP ON THE IDEAL.

 ODD ISN'T IT?

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007
1:21:14 PM EDT Feeling Quiet Hearing elvis jukebox hits Edit Entry Delete Entry
may 15 2007
today i'm trying to take the time to smell the rosestoday i'm in a state of contentmenttoday is a good dayWritten by jmdragonwolf Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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1:19:22 PM EDT Feeling Chillin' Hearing the king Edit Entry Delete Entry
a beautiful day so far
a beautiful day shouldn't be wasted awaya beautiful day should be cherished and enjoyeda beautiful day is a treasure from the universea beautiful day is a gift from the godsa beautiful day reminds us that life is gooda beautiful day will stay in your heart for quite awhilea beautiful day will almost always make me smileWritten by jmdragonwolf Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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Thursday, April 26, 2007
10:09:56 AM EDT Feeling Worried Hearing tv sounds Edit Entry Delete Entry
family
FAMILY IS A WONDERFUL THING. YET THEY ARE THE DIRECT REASON FOR MOST OF OUR WORRIES IN LIFE. THE BALANCE BETWEEN THE JOY THAT FAMILY BRINGS AND THE STRESS THEY CAUSE IS VERY DELICATE INDEED. ONE WONDERS IF KNOWLEDGE WAS HAD BEFORE THE BEGETTING OF CHILDREN WOULD SAID CHILDREN THEN EXIST. SUCH KNOWLEDGE IS BETTER UNAVAILABLE OR MAYBE FAMILIES WOULD NOT BE CREATED. I SUPPOSED WE SHOULD CONCENTRATE ON THE JOY OF FAMILY NOT ON THE WORRIES THAT FAMILY BRINGS. STILL WORRIES SEEM TO BE STRONGER THAN JOY SOMETIMES.Written by jmdragonwolf Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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Monday, March 19, 2007
9:52:25 PM EDT Feeling Sad Hearing none except whats in my head Edit Entry Delete Entry
one month since i found out craig was dead
today has been an odd sort of dayi had to go to the house of my dead husband and take care of things it always makes me confusedafter i left there i went shopping and spent too much money i guess i was over compensating for my sense of grief and confusionit helped a little like it always does and then i kinda of regret itdoesnt it always seem like you are on the ride at the playgroundthe little merrygoround thing

what can i say said the monkey to the mouse

 how can so many thoughts still live in this house

the mouse replied with a voice so sad

because the children have lost their dad

he went away on a day of snow

he went away and they didnt know

the house holds his dreams and his life

the house held all but not his wife

his wife she ran far from the house and his thoughts

she ran and ran and that hurt him a lot

the children they tried to fill up the space

but the truth she saw in his eyes and his face

the house someday i'm sure will be still

but her mind i'm sure it never will

the guilt that she feels will color her life

will always give a bit of strife

this tradeoff she is willing to take

if only for the children's sake

God keep the man and give him rest

may God do what he thinks is best

Written by jmdragonwolf

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Sunday, March 11, 2007
3:23:21 PM EDT Feeling Surprised Hearing rock 107 classic rock Edit Entry Delete Entry
3 weeks since my husband died
can't believe its been 3 weeks since he left. seems like life has gone into fast forward and slow-motion at the same time. my mind spins into overdrive then slows into a thickening fog. i'm sure it will even out eventually. just feels like life will never be the same. which of course is true. how does a life end so abruptly. makes me wonder what sense life is anyway. just one of those things we will never understand i guess. shouldn't even be writing about it. just another way to dwell. seems like i need to pick at it like a scab. wish i could stop. oh well.Written by jmdragonwolf Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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Sunday, February 25, 2007
10:39:39 PM EST 

A Blue jay screams as he wings thru the air

Letting us know that springtime is near

He flies the skys with knowledge of old

Never seeming to even mind the cold

He knows that winter will very soon be gone

That spring will quickly and surely come along

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Saturday, February 24, 2007
4:04:56 PM EST Edit Entry Delete Entry this week is not cool tooo much stuff going on hope the universe settles soonWritten by jmdragonwolf Permalink Blog about this entry Add to del.icio.us digg this
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woke up this morning with my head upside down

made the world look weird all the way around

i sit here wondering how can this be so

with my head upside down where can i go

should i take to my bed once again

will my head turn right side up then

i think i will give it a try

said the upside down headed lady with a sigh

jmdragonwolf's AOL Pictures Public Gallery.

          A PEN                                                                                                                                                                

          A PENCIL

         A PIECE OF CHALK

        ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WE MAKE  TALK

        WORDS ON PAPER OR ON A BOARD

        RELEASING THOUGHTS WE'D LIKE TO HOARD

        THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS PUT DOWN IN TEXT

        WHATEVER WILL THEY MAKE US DO NEXT

        THINGS WE'VE MANAGED TO KEEP INSIDE

        THINGS WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO HIDE

        OUT THERE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE

         IN A WAY IT WILL SET US FREE

        FOR WHEN FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS ARE KEPT AT BAY

        THEY SEEM TO CONTROL US IN SOME HORRIBLE WAY

        LET THEM LOOSE, LET THEM FLOW 

        NOW THOSE FEELINGS HAVE A PLACE TO GO

        A PLACE THAT WILL USE THEM IN A DIFFERENT WAY

        A PLACE WHERE THEY WILL LIVE ON COME WHAT MAY
Tags: poetry, thoughts, self-expression

SO WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE MONSTER CALLED BOREDOM HITS YOU. IT IS SUCH A REAL THING THAT EXISTS EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY THINGS TO DO. AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR BRAIN BLAMES THE FEELINGS THAT THIS MONSTER BRINGS ON THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU. IT ISN'T THEIR FAULT AFTER ALL NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS EXCEPT YOURSELF. AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TOLD AND WHAT I HAVE READ. STILL IF WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN HAPPINESS AND ALSO HAVE A STRANGE FEELING THAT WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS EVEN THOUGH THAT FEELING SHOULDN'T EXIST SINCE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN HAPPINESS ISN'T THERE A HORRIBLE SENSE OF CONFLICT. AND ISN'T THAT SENSE OF CONFLICT A WALL THAT IS VERY HARD TO GET PAST TO FIGHT THE BOREDOM MONSTER AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. WOW THIS IS REALLY RAMBLING AND NOT MAKING ANY SENSE. IT IS JUST A RESIDUE OF AN ATTACK BY THE BOREDOM MONSTER.

JUST A NOTE TO SHOW I'M STILL HERE

SO I GUESS A LOT OF TIME HAS GONE BY SINCE I LAST ADDED ANYTHING TO THIS BLOG SITE. I WAS INFORMED OF THIS BY A GOOD FRIEND WHO WENT OUT OF HER WAY TO CHECK MY BLOG OUT. ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT LIFE HAS GOTTEN IN THE WAY OF MY THOUGHTS. OR MAYBE MY THOUGHTS ON LIFE ARE NOT NECESSARILY SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO PUT IN PRINT AT THIS MOMENT. HAVE YOU EVER FELT THAT WRITING SOMETHING DOWN MAKES IT MORE REAL OR GIVES IT MORE POWER. I BELIEVE WE ALL FEEL THIS WAY. IT IS WHY WE MAKE LISTS AND WHY WE CREATE BUMPER STICKERS OR GRAPHIC TEES. BECAUSE WORDS HAVE SUCH POWER AND WHEN IN PRINT THEY SEEM TO BE EVEN MORE POWERFUL. AS I WAS STATING MY THOUGHTS ON LIFE RIGHT AT THIS TIME ARE NOT VERY PLEASANT AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GIVE THEM MORE POWER BY SEEING THEM IN PRINT. I'M SURE I WILL BE BACK SOON POURING OUT MY HEART OR JUST EXPRESSING SOME STRANGE THOUGHT THAT LEAPT INTO MY MIND OUT OF THE GREAT VOID OF THE WORLD. UNTIL THEN MAYBE SOMEONE COULD SHARE THEIR WORDS WITH ME. HOPE THE FALL IS GREAT FOR ONE AND ALL.