When You Aren't Comfortable In Your Life

It is so hard being in a relationship. Worrying about whether the person you are with will get mad a something as trivial as having your family over. Granted said family has caused me grief but that doesn't mean I never want to see them. I should be able to make decisions without worry. It's not even that he says anything, it is the body language. And if I brought it up there would be the denial which makes me question myself. I am so sad about everything now that I just wish it were all done sometimes. So I come up here and hide my feelings and think about how this is the way it is and it will never be different and there is no solution. I will write this down and then I will try to create to ease my mind but the way I feel right now, I just don't know. I just don't know.

 

Sadness in My Older Age

 I have dealt with feeling sadness all of my adult life. The day to day activities of life can sometimes keep it to the back of my mind but lately it is in the forefront more often. I have lost two sisters within months of each other. One was ill and it was expected and one was not so totally a shock. They both were in their eighties so long lives but still hard to deal with. 

What this has done to me is once again made me feel confronted by my mortality. I am almost sixty seven which doesn't seem that old in today's world. Yet I suddenly feel like I am near the end of my life and it is a bit frightening. I feel like I should be preparing but cannot seem to put that into action. Should I be disposing of the multitude of material things I have? Or should I just enjoy my things and let the world take care of it when I am gone? I am leaning toward the latter because I do define myself by my things. The worse thing lately is the stark loneliness that I feel. I have family and am in a relationship yet feel decidedly alone. I have various things to keep me busy yet they hold no appeal as of late. This feeling of nothing really matters keeps trying to grab hold of me. As I sit here writing this I am listening to music because silence is hard to bear. It amplifies the loneliness. I have not painted or created in quite awhile because of that feeling of nothing matters creates a sense of why bother. I know this is depression but knowing does not always help. So I am writing about this weight of sadness here to try to maybe ease it a little.

Needing to Vent Without the world knowing

I have feelings that just roll around inside me with no place to go. I am finally in a house but now I feel like a ghost walking this space. I never seem to be happy. What am I supposed to do with myself. I understand that my family has their own life and issues but do they ever wonder about me. Does everyone think I can spend my days cleaning or crafting or facebook surfing and be happy? Does my man not understand? Of course he doesn't. I am so sad all of the time. I worry about things I can't control and want everyone to be safe and happy even if it isn't my job to do that. This makes me anxious. I could just stay in bed and no one would know. If I stayed in bed and got up an hour before the man came home I could get any chores that needed to be done done and he would never know. I guess everyone thinks I am lucky to not have to work or go anywhere etc etc. But mostly I feel stuck just stuck. 

Being a negative sort of person

 I realize I only really write stuff here when I need to get negative feelings off my chest.

You see I don't really want to give them to the real people in my life and they can't really help anyway.

My life seems so unnecessary these days.

I get up every morning with the feeling of what is the sense.

I eat, drink coffee, make the bed and shower.

I do what ever chores need to be done though somethings get left by the wayside because of that what is the sense feeling.

I check social media like there will be magic there but as we all know there isn't.

Sometimes I walk to the store for a few things but all that does is remind me that I am older and tire easier and that things don't make you feel happier.

Sometimes I will create stuff, crafts, paintings or such.

But that also brings on the what the sense feeling. Making stuff to add to the stuff I have surrounding me.

I will show photos of my creations on social media expecting some magic I guess. Nope magic has fled my life.

I am disconnected. I am in a relationship but I have become angered because I feel disconnected.

I am angry at him for something he cannot help and I also feel bad that I am this way which makes me angrier and so very very sad.

So sad that I can't breathe.

So sad that I feel like I want to be sick.

I have family but yet still feel disconnected. Always afraid they will see how dark I am. 

I am disconnected.

Long Distance Love

 Traveled to South Carolina to visit my son and his family. Done right it is a 14 hour trip without major incident. Took a bit longer on the way down because of traffic delays. I am not the driver because I actually don't drive. Rich is stuck with the job of getting us places which bothers me a bit but I am his helpmate on the trip. Sometimes though I want to yell at him for getting so impatient and sometimes I get scared because as a passenger you have no control. All of those big trucks are very intimidating and when there is construction it is far worse. Still I think we make a pretty good team. It was so nice to see Daniel and Mikayla and my grandbabies. We had three days of doing stuff together which was great and exhausting at the same time. It was so much better when they lived here but I understand that they have to live their own lives. I am thankful that they aren't across the country because I pretty much would never see them. Still even a 14 hour trip is so long and costs are so high that I have to accept that visits won't be frequent. Even typing that made me sad but it is what it is. So I will send them my long distance love. Text and call and facetime once in awhile will have to suffice. Still the kiddos are hard to talk to long distance because they don't pay attention and why should they. It will have to do until the next trip to get those wonderful feeling hugs that only family can give.

A Grandma Reading a Story

 

Being in a relationship

 I realize that I am not good at this relationship thing. I pretty much like to do what I like to do without worrying about what someone is going to think. That being said I constantly seem to worry about what someone is going to think. What a contradiction. I sometimes do things that I am pretty sure my partner wouldn't agree with because it is what I want to do. Like paint the front door red. So I did that today and it turned into quite the mess. I taped up a tarp so that I wouldn't spray past the door; that almost worked well. What I didn't account for was the spray coming back at me and down the hallway. I was so intent on get the door covered that I just didn't notice. When I got finished with the door I noticed there was overspray all down the hall. My brain just about exploded. I spent over two hours cleaning the mess hoping that I hadn't gotten spray anyplace important. The thing is, if I lived alone I would feel stupid and move on. I don't live alone so I feel stupid and am worried about another person's reaction. That just doesn't feel right but it is what it is. I wish I was better at these things.

Hating the sound of your own voice

 I made a video today of me reading a favorite book of my eldest daughter. She is in her forties and I am giving her the copy of the book that I have had all of these years. I decided I wanted to record myself reading it one last time just in case one of the grandchildren would like to hear it. It was not a comfortable experience trying to record, read and turn the pages. When I watched it the video itself was not too bad but my voice is awful. I have never liked the sound of my own voice even when I was younger. When I was younger if I heard a recorded version of my voice it always seemed unrecognizable. Too high pitched and not what I thought I sounded like. Now that I am older my voice sounds gravelly even to my own ears when I am speaking. The recorded version of my voice amplifies that gravelly sound to me. It is not pretty but I need to accept that it is me and is probably what everyone is used to.

Using technology when you aren't tech savvy

 I really have no idea what I am doing when I write in this Blog. I basically use it like an electronic journal but with the old fashioned idea that it is a typewriter. I am sure there must be more people like me. I really don't understand how to type a paper on the computer either. Every time I have had to type something up for some reason I have used Notebook on my computer but if it gets too long and I try to print it I usually end up with a mess. Technology is helpful and irritating at the same time. I mostly try not to think about it too hard. Use what I can and avoid what causes me stress. Maybe I just don't like doing hard things. At this point in life if I have to think too hard I am liable to break out in a sweat. Since I don't really have any readers I guess I can just go on writing random stuff and adding random pictures to my hearts content. For anyone who has read anything I have written, thank you for making the effort.

Exploding mouth syndrome

 The title Exploding mouth syndrome is what seems to be happening to me lately. Mostly I try, emphasis on try, to keep some of my thoughts and feelings inside my head. I think that by doing so I create so much pressure that they come flying out of my mouth at the smallest provocation. It is horrifying to me that it happens because I realize that sometimes the stuff I say is way too reactive to the situation. I usually apologize to whomever is the target which kind of negates my feelings and starts to create a new pressure build up. I sometimes try to let the thoughts and feelings out a little at a time through conversation but usually I feel like I am not being heard so I stop. Then wham my mouth explodes and a multitude of things are said that usually are not nice. Then the apology and the cycle starts anew. I liked it better when I could just keep pushing stuff to the back of my mind so no waves were made. Now when I feel something but don't say anything I literally feel like I am suffocating. Yet when I do say something I also feel like I am suffocating. This is why I constantly feel like I can't breathe. 

Is the dreamworld real

 Dreaming is a strange phenomenon to me. It makes me feel like I am living two lives that are similar but yet different. Maybe if I had fanciful dreams about unicorns or outer space it would just feel like life and then dreams. My dreams seem to be different versions of my actual life and not necessarily a happier version. Seems like when you go to sleep the goal is to let go of the days stresses and confusion and get rested to start again. When I sleep I dream like it is real and I feel and I get stressed in the dreams. I feel like I go to sleep to get away from reality only to step into a different reality and then I wake to get away from that. I have always had lots of dreams while I sleep sometimes vivid and sometimes waking with an odd feeling like I was somewhere else and now I'm not. I would prefer not to have vivid dreams. Still I couldn't really tell you what I dreamed about last night. The memory isn't gone because I kind of still feel it. It is like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue and you just can't retrieve it. If my brain insists on dreaming why can't it dream about being relaxed and chill. 

I did find this article that seemed a bit helpful. https://www.firstpsychology.co.uk/dreaming

Possible causes of depressed feeling.

 I have been feeling more depressed lately than ever. I kind of attribute it to my age and family issues. Actually I guess I really attribute it to me being more me than usual. Not being busy enough to not be the real me. Sometimes I get up in the morning and just want to go back to bed even though I don't enjoy sleeping because dang I dream a lot! Not dreams that make me feel good but dreams that make me feel like I feel all of the time. That right there is a sign to me that the blah feeling that I am always experiencing is an issue deep inside. Still sometimes I think maybe there is an outside cause of the intensity of the depressed feeling and the difficulty of getting past it. I use artificial sweeter in my coffee and in the soda that I drink. Looked it up today and I guess it can effect you neurologically. So maybe I will go back to plain old sugar that we all know isn't good for you. I am never going to not eat sugar one way or another so why confuse my system with the artificial stuff. I was kind of hoping it would keep my weight down but it actually hasn't so it is going to go. There is a part of me that thinks I should be able to control my feelings even with outside influences but it gets harder and harder. Wish I could just tell myself be happy gosh darn it. Nope that doesn't work. 

Creativity that creates a hoarding situation

 Now that I am retired I spend a large amount of time making things. Sometimes it is stuff that I can use outside in my crazy garden but mostly it is stuff that has to be stored if no one asks for it. When I draw or paint stuff I put it in a box. I would like to frame things but that uses up space so I wait until people ask for a picture. Other things that I craft also go into a box or sometimes I tuck it around my craft room which is jammed packed with stuff. Because I craft I see a use in many items others would throw away so I store them for future use and sometimes forget I have them. This is definitely a type of hoarding. It is so hard not to do it. I have thought of trying to maybe sell some of the stuff I make but feel like maybe people would turn their noses up to it. My psyche could not handle that. I like the stuff I make. But I am a bit weird. I need a house with a room dedicated to making a gallery of stuff I make. If I stop creating what else would I do? 

Another day another dollar spent

 Being on a limited income you would think that I would be more cautious about spending money. Yet because I am feeling down so much if I am given the opportunity to buy something I don't need I do. I am not crazy but still those dollars could probably be spent more wisely. I also tend to spend money to create an experience for others without thought to the next day or week. Buyer's regret is a constant thing for me. I really should go back to work so I could have the income to spend willy nilly because it seems to be the only fun I have. I have thought about going back to work but the thought of constant interaction with other personalities puts me off. Something has changed in me and it isn't a good change.

Time went by so fast

 I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for something. I am not sure what that something is. I am pretty sure I will never know. This feeling of disconnect that is so difficult to explain to anyone. This feeling of not being seen or heard cannot be explain to another because if you are explaining it to someone they feel like they are seeing and hearing you. It is a deep down sense of invisibility that causes us to post on social media like that is the answer. It isn't. I am not sure what the answer is but it probably comes from inside each individual. Most of your life you are busy, busy, busy so the feeling stays somewhat in the background. Eventually you come to a time in your life when there isn't so much busy and that sense of invisibility comes rushing forward. Sometimes the feeling whispers what if you really were invisible, not actually here? Would there be a difference in the universe? Hopefully something inside whispers back that maybe there would be so just keep pretending you feel seen and heard. It just might actually happen someday. I believe that is called hope. If hope ever goes away then I guess you just fade away.

The Children Cried

Tell us a story the children cried

A story of forests filled with life

A story of rolling green hillsides

A story of laughing rivers and streams

Tell us a story the children cried

A story of people filled with love

A story of neighbors helping each other 

A story of freedom and learning

Tell us a story the children cried 

And a story they were told

A story of forests laid bare, no longer a place for life

A story of hillsides covered with buildings and highways and noise

A story of rivers and streams filled with garbage slowly strangling 

A story of hate consuming humanity

A story of people lost to each other only caring about themselves 

A story of restrictions and lack of wisdom

This is the story that was told

And the children cried

Christmas and Sadness

This Christmas season is difficult. Life goes on even as we try to have a storybook holiday time. Why are we always trying to live a storybook life? Why is real life so hard that we spend so much time pretending that things are different? Bad things happen even when we are expecting the best of times. Death is as much a part of life as birth but it is much more trying. How to deal with the impending loss of a loved one at the time of year when you are expecting cheer. How to deal with the woes of loved ones when you are in no position to help. How to deal with your own feelings of inadequacy and what feels like a spiralling lack of control. The answer seems to be that we just push through everything that is happening. It all seems like an endurance test with no actually prize at the end. There is a sense of failure that permeates my brain. A sense of worthlessness. All because I can't control the fact that life is definitely not about happy ending. It is all just a mess.

Realization

I have come to realize that a large portion of my life has been ruled by negativity. When I was younger and had many things on my plate the negativity stayed somewhat in the background, visible only in journal writings and a need to escape from everything once in awhile. Now that I am older the negativity has moved to the forefront of my existence. The impact this might have on others around me is worrisome and yet the negative gremlin in my brain whispers that no one actually cares. I wish for happiness for everyone I know and worry about loved ones all of the time. Lately I have begun to think that the worry I feel for others is actually a worry I have for myself. Why can I not be happy? Why do I feel this way? Why does nothing every quite feel "right"? I think it might be a perspective thing, like I am looking at myself and life through a skewed mirror. And I am judgmental of others choices and more so of my own. Yet when I am judgmental of others I berate myself for it. My whole life seems to be a back and forth of I feel and think this way but what right do I have to feel and think that way. Basically I just feel crazy most of the time. I wish sometimes I could have God but though I don't discount completely the idea I find I cannot truthfully embrace it. It just doesn't feel correct to me. I would like to be energetic about life, positive about life, connected to life, and mostly feel a purpose in life. Maybe I would really like to be honest about how I feel about everything in life but find that no one really wants that kind of honesty so I will just be until I am not.

Every Day I Feel This Way

I am sad and I feel stupid about it. My relationships with my children are sporadic. Life is a challenge. My relationship with the man in my life isn't really a relationship anymore. I put myself here so I blame myself but that doesn't make me less sad, only more. I am so lonely that I don't want to get up in the morning but I don't want to sleep either because my dreams are just damned disturbing. I don't know what I am supposed to do about all of this, I am lost. I guess I will just keep pretending that nothing matters and yet it all matters.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING I HAVE

IS IT THE AIR
IS IT THE COLD
IS IT MY AGE
AFTER ALL I AM OLD

IS IT MY LIFE
IS IT MY THOUGHTS
IS IT DELUSION
IT FEELS ALL FOR NAUGHT

IS IT DEPRESSION
IS IT A SICKNESS
IS IT SELF-PITY
WHY FEEL SO WORTHLESS

IS IT THE END
IS IT FOR NOW
IS IT ETERNITY
JUST WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME