Realization

I have come to realize that a large portion of my life has been ruled by negativity. When I was younger and had many things on my plate the negativity stayed somewhat in the background, visible only in journal writings and a need to escape from everything once in awhile. Now that I am older the negativity has moved to the forefront of my existence. The impact this might have on others around me is worrisome and yet the negative gremlin in my brain whispers that no one actually cares. I wish for happiness for everyone I know and worry about loved ones all of the time. Lately I have begun to think that the worry I feel for others is actually a worry I have for myself. Why can I not be happy? Why do I feel this way? Why does nothing every quite feel "right"? I think it might be a perspective thing, like I am looking at myself and life through a skewed mirror. And I am judgmental of others choices and more so of my own. Yet when I am judgmental of others I berate myself for it. My whole life seems to be a back and forth of I feel and think this way but what right do I have to feel and think that way. Basically I just feel crazy most of the time. I wish sometimes I could have God but though I don't discount completely the idea I find I cannot truthfully embrace it. It just doesn't feel correct to me. I would like to be energetic about life, positive about life, connected to life, and mostly feel a purpose in life. Maybe I would really like to be honest about how I feel about everything in life but find that no one really wants that kind of honesty so I will just be until I am not.