browser confusion causing internet fear

Being new to the internet even though it has been five years, I have tried one browser after another. Speed is the real issue and then when you experience speed any lag seems very very long. In actuality the time is very short but now you are used to doing many things in the space of a few seconds so irritation quickly sets in. I am now using firefox mozilla and am not sure if it is the right one but we shall see.
Maybe my son is correct and I should just stay off the computer.

going dead inside

Going Dead Inside

by Jackie Reeder on Monday, September 26, 2011 at 9:09am

Sometimes you can feel like you are going dead inside.

The things that used to envoke strong feelings no longer do.

The things you used to care about fade to the background of existence.

Every day gets harder and harder because the reasons for being no longer seem to matter.

Existing? What is the sense in just existing in a world with no joy or purpose?

Put one step in front of the other, plod, plod, plod.

You know this isn't the way it should be or the way you want it to be.

Trying to pretend that you are alive and the same as ever may work for a little while.

Yet it gets harder and harder to put on an acceptable face for the world.

It is so tiring and probably even unneccesary because the world sees what it wants.

Why am I dying inside? What is the cause? Why can't I get past this? 

I feel scooped out, a shell with no substance that will soon collapse from the pressure around me.

I do not want this to be the way it is, yet the more I try to recover my balance the more unbalanced I become.

I am lost, on a dark road only I can see; the dying inside myself blinds me to any paths of salvation.

Remembering

It was a normal day, or a least that is what we all thought. I had gotten Daniel off to school and gotten dressed to go to work. It was a day that I would catch the 11:00 bus to Whitesboro. Sat down on the couch to watch some television before I left and there was something on about a major event happening. I saw smoke coming from the tower. When the newscaster started talking about a plane crashing into the building, my mind wondered how that could have happened and then when the second one hit and they started talking about the plane crashing into the pentagon my mind started to whirl. I am sure I am remembering this jumbled but it was such an intense moment and after ten years I might be mixed up a bit. Still I do remember. The order doesn't really matter does it? What matters is how the way you felt stayed with us all after all of this time. I remember feeling at first like it wasn't really happening. When it sank in that they were suggesting terrorism, my mind and heart screamed, oh my God, here we go. Even at that instance you couldn't help but realize that life had changed forever. I sat, I watched, I cringed, I wondered how many people were inside and how they were getting out. And then the tower fell, goosebumps rise on my neck even as write that. I will never forget the things that I saw and sometimes I wish news coverage wasn't as great as it was or that I had already been on the bus. Still the fact that I was in my living room and watched this event unfold as it happened is a great testament of how technology can unite the world. I wasn't there and yet I was. My mind screamed, my heart cried and I wished there was something I could do. We all experienced shock and pain that day and many days to follow. Anger soon followed for many and as is the way of the human mind that anger might have been directed towards many who didn't deserve it. Ten years have gone by and the memories linger and there still residual pain for many. I only hope that we all realize that there is evil in this world but that the whole world isn't evil. Do not lose sight of the wonderful things all people can and will do. Do not label a group of people as evil if they share the same heritage as the few who did this evil thing. Do try to see through others eyes and feel what they might feel, difficult as that always is. Remember a dreadful time but do not relive it over and over giving anger and despair power to control how life is lived. There have been dreadful things happening in the history of the human race since day one. Let us try to learn from it and hope we eventually rise above our baser instincts. Life is a road lined with great and wonderful things and also many dangers and pitfalls. All anyone can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

sketches

fractured senses

my bird that appeared in the doodle I was doing

just a note

I am in a strange mood once again. I can't honestly remember the last time I was genuinely happy without any reservations. Any feeling of happiness or joy always has a trailer of (but still) attached to it. I really think this aging thing is getting to me way too much, did I think I was never going to age. Maybe I need counseling on how to handle it. What I would really like is for it not to happen. I advise anyone to find something in life that defines them besides how they look or how they feel physically because those two things are the ones that change drastically and unless you have something else you just might be lost. I do have other things that define me to me but still when I look in the mirror or groan just trying to stand I just want to burst into tears and hide. I really hate feeling this way but can't figure out a solution. Really I just want to stop caring about such things. I just want to be happy, to enjoy the person that I am without criticizing everything that makes me me. Not only do I judge myself harshly, I find that I am laying judgement on others and intolerance is becoming part of me. I feel like my personality is evolving in a way that is distasteful to me and without any direct involvement from me. I know that doesn't make sense but it is that whole feeling like I am in this world and also slightly to the side of myself. This feeling is very hard to make people understand but that is because it is inside my head not theirs. This is just a note to make some of these thoughts go quiet inside my brain for a bit.

Split-Screen

She was in her car taking the on ramp, heading for the interstate. Suddenly there was a pain in her head so intense that her eyes closed involuntarily. In that moment her vehicle headed for the cement barrier and climbed it like a ramp. As her eyes opened to her dilemma, she beheld a split-screen view. On one side was the sky and road reversing positions and things in her car falling around her as the vehicle flipped; on the other were swiftly moving scenes of her whole life. The people, the places, the events, the feelings were made visible to her in amazing clarity during that small amount of time. Why these visions of her life were shown to her at this time was yet to be known. A reminder of things to live for, because surely this event definitely threatened her existence; or the chance to review and let go, should her existence cease? To be continued......

Never

Into the cold dark night she ran, her head filled with thoughts of Never. Never pin your hopes on a single possibility. Never let your guard down all of the way. Never expect the best from any given situation for that makes the worst even harder to take. Never give your heart expecting an equal return for you will be doomed to disappointment. Out of the cold dark night she came, her head filled with thoughts of Never. Never give up hope for there is always a possibility. Never hold yourself so guarded that nothing can get close. Never expect only the worst for you might miss the best. Never expect something for giving your heart, it is best given freely.

Tears From Nowhere

Why do I weep at the strangest things

Why do I weep at the strangest times

Why do I weep with a sadness deep

Why do I weep, why do I weep

When I hold back my tears where do they go

When I hold back my tears are they somewhere

When I hold back my tears does the sadness disappear

When I hold back my tears they must go somewhere I think

When I hold back my tears they go to a place that stores them for later

A song, a picture, a story, a thought is all that it takes

For tears to come from nowhere

Just Me

My name is Jackie Reeder. I am almost 54 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes. Age is something that bothers me and I wish it didn't. I am getting paunchy and seriously out of shape. I have many aches and pains and I tire way more easily then I used to. I am a bit strange in many ways. I like art, looking at it and creating it; though if you ask me, I will say what I do is not art. I love music and love to dance even if it hurts my neck and knees. I love gardening but tend toward a natural untamed type of gardening. I make my yard a bit of an art project. I am not a real fan of television but do like some programs. I get bored if I watch the same stuff over and over. In fact boredom is my biggest problem. Anything done over and over, especially at regular time periods tends to make me crazy. Inactivity sets me up to be stressed and yet over-activity also sets me up to be stressed. Stress seems to be a large factor in my life. I want someone to share my interests with but have no patience to deal with people. I like to take walks in search of treasure; visual, auditory, or physical. Pretty rocks, bird feathers, unusual pieces of wood make me smile. I see faces in many things and wonder if others do also. I like food but don't like it to be a main focus of the day or a form of entertainment. I love to laugh and hardly do so these days. I get embarrassed easily and then I get cranky because of it. I am physically demonstrative but it is not all that I am. I want a bigger home because I am a collector of stuff, though mostly I wish I wasn't. I hate that I am never happy or satisfied. I just love creating stuff from throw-away things so I always see things with the idea that it can be used for something. I have to force myself not to pick stuff up off the street and to throw things away that most people would just see as trash.

She left a trail of tears

The moon shines brightly upon the road reflecting back from the teardrops scattered there. The moonlit drops of our heroine's tears leads us down along this road. As our eyes follow the glittering of moonlight upon sadness we ponder upon why they are there. What calamity has befallen our heroine? What tragedy causes her to weep? What fear drives her forward even as she cries? The glittering teardrops become fewer as along the road we go and we grow fearful of losing the trail. But wait what is that we see in the distance? A scrap of blue appears in the moonlight drawing us farther along. Carefully, keeping a watch for any movement nearby, we retrieve what seems to be another clue to our missing heroine. As we examine the silky bit of fabric retrieved from the moonlit road we wonder at it's origin. A piece from the heroine's garment perhaps? Or just an unrelated item tossed into the road from a random passerby? This clue requires more thought and examination.

Am I having fun?

I am not sure I am having fun anymore

I am not sure I would recognize fun if I was in the center of it

I am not sure if I can remember what fun feels like

I am not sure fun can be sustained while I am near

I am not sure where fun went

I am not sure if fun will return

I am not sure I am having fun anymore

:( :( :( :(

I hate being such a downer

I hate being the sad face

I hate not remembering how to be happy

I hate thinking about this stuff

I hate wondering if things could and should be different

I hate feeling out of control

I hate being such a downer

:/ :/ :/ :/ :/

I need to take control of my life

I need to look at life differently

I need to live life better

I need to accept life as it is

I need to change my life if necessary

I need to let life be

I need to take control of my life

?????????

Pay no mind to the man behind the curtain

Pay no mind to the falseness that you see

Pay no mind to the man behind the curtain

Pay no mind for it is only a fantasy you see

**********

The sun is shining and I have to go to work:(

It is a Sunday, not a normal work day for me

But today isn't all that normal as you soon shall see

Today I have to work, for a special event will soon occur

Yes that's right, it's Friends and Family Night for sure

A special time at my place of employment

An event that brings all of us enjoyment

To get these amazing savings galore

Just walk right on through the door

Bring your family and of course your friends

Make sure you get there before it ends

I shall not see you when you come

By that time my day will be done

I hope you have great fun tonight

I guess it makes working on Sunday alright

why things that were fun now aren't

So we got a new computer tower, an Asus that comes with Windows 7. Works good but the graphics are different which is hurting my eyes and the keyboard is not as easy for me. Also all of my pics aren't on here so it feels naked. Not sure if I will reload with my pics or just get new ones here and there. Either way for some reason I am now very bored with this computer stuff.

life as i see it by jackie: Just because

life as i see it by jackie: Just because

Just because

She pushed open the weathered door to the dilapidated farm house. The hinges squealed with protest, echoing along the dark and dusty hall. If there was life left in this house, she just warned it of her coming. The hallway was narrow with one door on the right immediately upon entering. Two more doors on the left divided the wall into thirds. There are small light fixtures attached to the wall on the right side of each door. The wallpaper's pattern is almost indistinguishable in the dim light but she had a sense of tiny flowers. This may have been a preconceived concept due to the fact it was a farmhouse but this was what she thought she saw. She stood considering which door to investigate first, with a tentative step forward she approached the first door on the left. The dust swirled around her feet like life forms seeking attention only visible because of the waning light from the still open front door. Not knowing what to expect beyond the door she now faced, she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her small flashlight, switching it on. The artificial light almost seemed alien in this quiet space from another time. Taking a deep breath and fighting back a niggling sense of fear she grasped the door handle to open the door only to be stopped. She turned the handle again and again before admitting to herself that the way was locked to her. Her sense of disappointment warred with her sense of relief, relief that she didn't actually have to face what was beyond the door. And yet what could it be anyway, after all it was just an abandoned farmhouse. Taking another deep breath she continued on to the second door on the left thinking it was probably locked also. Grabbing the handle of the second door she was startled by the squeak of a door opening and a stirring of the dust forms at her feet. Quickly glancing at the door that had been locked, she found herself looking into a room with the flicker of a light shining out. With her heart in her throat she returned to the first doorway. To be continued.......

So What did You Expect?

You act like a dark and dismal cloud

Pushing away all forms of concern

You wallow in your self-pity

A constant refrain of poor me

falling from you lips

You expect everyone to understand

when you don't understand

You spend precious time just

being miserable

Why don't you just stop?

You could pretend it is all okay

You could just deal with the way it is

You can try to push through the fog

You could, you should, you don't

They stay away and let you be

They don't ask or offer answers

They move on

What did you expect?

Trying to rid myself of the nothingness

I am so sad and depressed, feeling which I cannot abide.

I have always thought that these feelings were over talked about and too much power given to them.

I realize now that sometimes feelings are beyond your control and logical reasoning.

I am sad and don't know how to be not sad.

Even if everything in my world went just the way I felt it was supposed to, I think the sad would find it's way in.

It has no logic, it is beyond my control.

I am lonely and feel disconnected to everything and everyone.

There is no logic in this, it just is.

I am on here writing about this because I don't know what else to do.

I want to sleep but the body will only sleep so much.

I just want not to be, but not really, I think I want to feel good again but can't see it.

Life has changed and many of the changes are of my own doing and many are in the hands of others.

My family is fractured, my love breaking.

I feel unseen and disconnected.

There isn't even my own connection to myself to grab on to because most of what I am lately makes me want to not be.

I do not want my unhappiness to impact others and yet really what I probably want is someone to make me happy.

How do you stop being unhappy?

Writing is not helping in my struggle today, this becomes very apparent when I start to babble.

I will stop.

Lost in the Grayness

She is lost in a world gone gray, her purpose unclear, she is lost in a world of chaos, her lack of interest in things once dear, she is lost in her own feelings, over thought and unwelcome, she is lost in her own reasoning, not sound and overwhelming, she is lost and crying, yet no one can hear, she is lost and hurting, and won't let anyone near, she is lost while still existing, not knowing what she should do, she is lost to herself, she is lost

and life goes on

Life goes on whether happy or sad

Life goes on even if you feel bad

You rise each day and start anew

You rise each day not wanting to

            You hope and pray for a solution to things

        Yet a solution is not what the day brings

You sleep at night to ease your pain

You sleep at night to rest your brain

Life goes on whether happy or sad

Life goes on even if you feel bad

the turtle

Don't mind me said the turtle to the frog

I am just going to sit for a bit on this log

I know there is work to be done

But for now I wish to sit in the sun

That is fine replied his friend the frog

Just bide your time here on this log

The work will get done soon enough

I know you've had it kind of rough

So the turtle and the frog sat for a while

Where the warmth of the sun could make them smile

she doesn't recall

They say her name is Hattie McCall

She never wanted any children at all

She could never find her place on this earth

Not from the very day of her birth

She doesn't really believe in heaven above

She doesn't know how to handle love

They say her name is Hattie McCall

Before that she was no one at all

This Life and Where It Is Going

My life is in a tailspin it seems to me.

Not knowing what I should do or who I should be.

Trying to live in the framework we have created.

Pretending it is working is definitely overrated.

Do we think that if we deny that things are wrong,

We will be back to the way we were before long?

No blame am I placing except upon me.

I am just saying I wish you saw what I see.

Dancing around the problem won't make it go away.

Tomorrow's issues will be the same as today's.

My unhappiness is like a disease without cure.

How much more of my craziness can you endure.

Your way to handle my emotional stress,

Is to keep yourself busy and away from my mess.

Oh you've tried to console me and make it go away.

But you really don't understand or know what to say.

I've tried to explain the way that I feel and what I see,

But you will never really get it or really get me.

implosion

What do you say when they ask what is wrong

What do you say when you aren't even sure

What do you say when it is the same old story

What do you say when everything seems to be folding into you

What will they say if they only knew

What would they say if they could only see

What are you supposed to do if everything seems senseless

What are you supposed to do if you feel useless

What is the reason for feeling this way

What is the reason for being here today

What is the plan that was made just for you

What are the things you were meant to do

You can't stop the thoughts that cripple your soul

You can't close the door on the feelings that hurt

You try to go on like everything is fine

You try not to show that nothing is right

You feel like an alien in a strange world

You can't remember when it wasn't this way

You get tired of playing a part without lines

You have ended up in the wrong play

It feels like nothing makes sense anymore

It feels like it never really did anyway

It feels like your memories just make this more true

It feels like everything is imploding in you

As all of the control starts to wind down

As all of the feelings swirl around in your mind

As all of the madness starts to take over

As all of the sadness fills in the spaces

Your soul implodes eventually with time

Being lost in a cloud of doing nothing

I sit here at the computer not because of any great interest

I sit here at the computer because it is a way to hide

I sit here at the computer to make it look like I am busy

I sit here at the computer so you will leave me alone

I sit here at the computer and wonder what is wrong with me

I sit here at the computer not knowing a way to not feel this way

I sit here at the computer wishing I could get back to a different time

I sit here at the computer stuck in a warp of sadness and inactivity

I sit here at the computer just typing and typing and typing

I sit here at the computer waiting for magic to come back to me

I sit here at the computer because I am lost and no one knows

I sit here at the computer waiting to be found

The War Inside of Me

My head and my heart are at war

My head says don't feel bad anymore

My heart says wtF

I have a whole lot of sadness left

The stuff that I am feeling won't let me be

The stuff I am feeling is real don't you see

So even if my head tells me they will go

It might take my heart awhile just to know

The Humane Thing?????

Today I am doing the humane thing??? with my dog. So why do I feel like a murderer? She has been sick for awhile but she doesn't seem to be in pain. The problem is that she messes all over the place and since we don't have a nice warm kennel for her to be in something has to be done. And even if we did what is the quality of life in an existence where no one really wants to be around you because of the smell and the unsightliness of your being? But still is the sound of a familiar voice or the presence of a familiar person maybe enough? Who knows? All I know is that I have to do this and I don't want to and I am going to feel it for a very long time. It is very hard to find the logic of loving something only to have to lose it or get rid of it. My heart is heavy and in anguish.

A collage I created for my son

This is a collage I created for my son Daniel. It is amazing how when you blend many different things together it becomes a pleasing item.

The content of a dream can affect your waking life

Had a couple of weird dreams last night. Why is it that when the content of a dream is particularly disturbing it carries over to when you are awake? I know dreams are just your mind's way of sorting through thoughts and feelings and yet they can be so real and vivid. When the dream involves the people in your life and if they make you unhappy in the dream, it is very hard to shake that feeling upon awakening. Though if you examine the dream more closely, you realize there are inconsistencies in the content and thus the reality of it is suspect. Of course if you try to analyze the dream your mind can play tricks on you also. A dream is not a foreteller of the future, nor is it a message from a higher power. A dream is just all of the thoughts and feelings that pass through your mind sticking together in a random slide show. A dream is just a dream. That is what I keep telling my self anyway and now I will do a mental shake and put the disturbing thoughts and feelings aside. At least temporarily.

sometimes it just isn't there

When events in life do not bring the reaction that is expected it throws my world off. Sometimes I just feel nothing and it is like I am outside myself watching and wondering. I think well that is what it is supposed to be but this is not what I am supposed to feel. I don't let anyone know that I am on the outside looking in and they never realize it. It is very strange.

When your age asserts itself

Woke up this morning feeling like heck. I am not surprised though. Last night at work I sorted our shipment of goods and some of those boxes are extremely heavy. By the time I was done my wrists, shoulders, neck and back were killing me. I seriously think that part of the job is getting beyond my comfort zone. Oh I can do it but the result is feeling like heck the next day. I woke up with a headache and it is still here. This is probably the result of strain on my neck from lifting and balancing the heavy boxes. It would be okay if I could just pull them off the stack and not have to lift them back up but there is only so much room. I really hate doing something and the whole while my brain is saying there is going to come a time when this is not going to be possible. Something happened to my wrists a while back and now I really can't hold or lift anything heavy with my hands where my wrists have to maintain stability. To take off the pressure on my wrists I use my shoulder to balance boxes until I can't get them down and that just wrecks my shoulder. Geez I am a mess.

A shower curtain rod is not to be used as a closet

Well the shower curtain rod told me today that I was misusing it. As I was attempting to push things to the side to gain some room to hang clothes to dry there was a crash and a thump and the clothes shower curtain rod and anything in the path hit the floor. I have repaired the rod and put the shower curtain back up but I have no idea what I will do with the clothes that are piled on the bed. There just isn't any room for them so I will probably just pile them somewhere else until I figure it out. It is all just too much for me so I am going to make a cup of coffee and a fluffernutter and not think about it.

Is he serious!

My son and I have been having some very serious issues. Issues that I never would have expected in my life. It has so thrown me for a loop but I am trying to survive it. He wants nothing to do with me, he is mad about past events in our life, he treats me like crap. Yet, he expects me to do stuff for him and when that doesn't happen he shows up here out of the blue. He says, I have been texting you, and oh yeah the texts were to ask me to do stuff that he is quite capable of doing himself. I say, I know and of course I have been ignoring you. He mumbles something, I don't think he realizes I didn't hear him. He uses my bathroom and as he is leaving without saying another word I say did you have a delivery in the area. He says yeah and that was that. Seriously what was that? Was he checking to see if I was alive?

The days and weeks become a melted mass of nothing

Where have you gotten in life when a Thursday rolls around and your brain says hey weren't we just on a Thursday. Where have you gotten in life when no day is memorable enough to separate all of the other days and the week has just slid by. Oh things happen and things are done and you eat, sleep, wake, work, etc. etc. etc.. Maybe the issue is that most of the things that have happened within that week are either the same old same old or just so stressful that your mind skims by them or condenses them into a manageable bit. Sometimes when you drink too much an evening flies by like it never happened and most of the events don't register permanently on your brain. Sometimes life is like that.

What a slacker

I seriously thought when I did my last post that I would check in here and write something every time I got on the computer. Well of course that hasn't happened. My main activity lately seems to be playing games on Facebook. Even as I write that I feel like such a shmuck. Still, these games have a unique ability to just hook you in. I have been playing Farmville and Fishville for awhile now so they don't hold me as much as this new Cityville one. I can feel myself getting a bit bored already though with Cityville which is not a bad thing. I will still play probably every day or so but I won't stress about it. I wonder about the people who actually spend money to get things for these games. Is it really worth it and is it any worse than say spending money on scratch off tickets or buying magazines? I guess it is all in how you look at it. If playing these games is a main source of entertainment it would be no different than paying to rent a movie. So I say go for it to those who use real cash to get ahead in a virtual world. If it makes you happy and you are not harming anyone by doing it just go for it.

Deciding to just jot down my thoughts

I think I might just come on here every chance I get and just jot down my thoughts. It isn't that I think that my thoughts are important to anyone. It is just that maybe if I put them down in writing somewhere they will stop churning around inside my head. I am pretty sure there isn't enough room in there anymore. Life is pretty much the same, and that isn't saying anything good. A relative posted a comment on Facebook today that I think is quite true. Something about the person standing in the way of your happiness is probably the person looking back at you from the mirror. I think we all know this to be a fact but what to do about it is the problem. You can read all the self-help books and articles and they can make a lot of sense but in the end that little demon who is your psyche is the problem. Knowing what to do or at least knowing what everyone thinks you can and should do is one thing. Implementing this knowledge into your existence is another. I can choose to be happy and at peace? Really? Someone should really tell my brain that. I should just find my happy place? Really? I'm pretty sure it has been blown to smithereens. You know, I think that I am just in a negative place right now and it is something that I and those around me will have to accept and work around. Maybe putting the negativity down here will take the edge off. Who knows?