Christmas and Sadness

This Christmas season is difficult. Life goes on even as we try to have a storybook holiday time. Why are we always trying to live a storybook life? Why is real life so hard that we spend so much time pretending that things are different? Bad things happen even when we are expecting the best of times. Death is as much a part of life as birth but it is much more trying. How to deal with the impending loss of a loved one at the time of year when you are expecting cheer. How to deal with the woes of loved ones when you are in no position to help. How to deal with your own feelings of inadequacy and what feels like a spiralling lack of control. The answer seems to be that we just push through everything that is happening. It all seems like an endurance test with no actually prize at the end. There is a sense of failure that permeates my brain. A sense of worthlessness. All because I can't control the fact that life is definitely not about happy ending. It is all just a mess.

Realization

I have come to realize that a large portion of my life has been ruled by negativity. When I was younger and had many things on my plate the negativity stayed somewhat in the background, visible only in journal writings and a need to escape from everything once in awhile. Now that I am older the negativity has moved to the forefront of my existence. The impact this might have on others around me is worrisome and yet the negative gremlin in my brain whispers that no one actually cares. I wish for happiness for everyone I know and worry about loved ones all of the time. Lately I have begun to think that the worry I feel for others is actually a worry I have for myself. Why can I not be happy? Why do I feel this way? Why does nothing every quite feel "right"? I think it might be a perspective thing, like I am looking at myself and life through a skewed mirror. And I am judgmental of others choices and more so of my own. Yet when I am judgmental of others I berate myself for it. My whole life seems to be a back and forth of I feel and think this way but what right do I have to feel and think that way. Basically I just feel crazy most of the time. I wish sometimes I could have God but though I don't discount completely the idea I find I cannot truthfully embrace it. It just doesn't feel correct to me. I would like to be energetic about life, positive about life, connected to life, and mostly feel a purpose in life. Maybe I would really like to be honest about how I feel about everything in life but find that no one really wants that kind of honesty so I will just be until I am not.

Every Day I Feel This Way

I am sad and I feel stupid about it. My relationships with my children are sporadic. Life is a challenge. My relationship with the man in my life isn't really a relationship anymore. I put myself here so I blame myself but that doesn't make me less sad, only more. I am so lonely that I don't want to get up in the morning but I don't want to sleep either because my dreams are just damned disturbing. I don't know what I am supposed to do about all of this, I am lost. I guess I will just keep pretending that nothing matters and yet it all matters.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING I HAVE

IS IT THE AIR
IS IT THE COLD
IS IT MY AGE
AFTER ALL I AM OLD

IS IT MY LIFE
IS IT MY THOUGHTS
IS IT DELUSION
IT FEELS ALL FOR NAUGHT

IS IT DEPRESSION
IS IT A SICKNESS
IS IT SELF-PITY
WHY FEEL SO WORTHLESS

IS IT THE END
IS IT FOR NOW
IS IT ETERNITY
JUST WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME

Today Is Not A Good Day

Today is not a good day
Not that today is different than any other day
Every day I struggle to find a way to be in this life
Every day I wish for a feeling of purpose and satisfaction
Some days I can make it through better than others
Today is not a good day
Today I am feeling alone, sad and guilty for feeling this way
Today I wish I could stop feeling this way
No day is really a good day anymore
No day brings a sparkle to my soul
Some days I can deal with the sense of limbo
Today is not one of those days

Feelings Best Left Unsaid

She wakes to yet another day with a sense of dread and sadness
When did these feelings start to dominate her world
Once more she goes through the motions of the day, much like the day before
However the motions have started to be spaced with periods of nothingness
Just sitting not wanting to move or start the next useless activity to fill a day
This is a terrible way to feel, to act, to live, this she knows
She is not quite herself but can't seem to figure out what herself should be
There is anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment and self hatred
There are tears and pain and hopelessness fighting to get loose
She knows she should not feel or act the way that she does, which makes it worse
Just stop her mind screams, get up, do the stuff that has to be done
Just stop her mind screams, do something to distract yourself
Just stop her mind screams do not let your emotions take hold and control you
She feels like she should be quiet and invisible so no one will know
She feels like she should be quiet and invisible so not to cause pain
She does not stay quiet though she mostly feels invisible
She does not stay quiet and most likely causes others pain
She wishes it was not this way
She is very tired of it all

Allowing Yourself Moments of Sad

When life doesn't turn out the way you expected you adjust in whatever way is good for you. I never expected to have a family that seems so disconnected from each other. I know even family doesn't always see eye to eye but I guess I always thought the fact that we were family would glue us all together. I believe I always wanted the type of family life where we all loved each other and wanted to be around each other. Well it hasn't really worked out that way so I just keep telling myself that it is just the way it is. It makes for a bit of withdrawal for protection and then all of a sudden the emotions will overtake all of the rationalizations that your brain has set in place and you become a puddle of sad. The key is to let yourself become that puddle for a bit and then pull it all back together for a bit more.