Being in a relationship

 I realize that I am not good at this relationship thing. I pretty much like to do what I like to do without worrying about what someone is going to think. That being said I constantly seem to worry about what someone is going to think. What a contradiction. I sometimes do things that I am pretty sure my partner wouldn't agree with because it is what I want to do. Like paint the front door red. So I did that today and it turned into quite the mess. I taped up a tarp so that I wouldn't spray past the door; that almost worked well. What I didn't account for was the spray coming back at me and down the hallway. I was so intent on get the door covered that I just didn't notice. When I got finished with the door I noticed there was overspray all down the hall. My brain just about exploded. I spent over two hours cleaning the mess hoping that I hadn't gotten spray anyplace important. The thing is, if I lived alone I would feel stupid and move on. I don't live alone so I feel stupid and am worried about another person's reaction. That just doesn't feel right but it is what it is. I wish I was better at these things.

Hating the sound of your own voice

 I made a video today of me reading a favorite book of my eldest daughter. She is in her forties and I am giving her the copy of the book that I have had all of these years. I decided I wanted to record myself reading it one last time just in case one of the grandchildren would like to hear it. It was not a comfortable experience trying to record, read and turn the pages. When I watched it the video itself was not too bad but my voice is awful. I have never liked the sound of my own voice even when I was younger. When I was younger if I heard a recorded version of my voice it always seemed unrecognizable. Too high pitched and not what I thought I sounded like. Now that I am older my voice sounds gravelly even to my own ears when I am speaking. The recorded version of my voice amplifies that gravelly sound to me. It is not pretty but I need to accept that it is me and is probably what everyone is used to.

Using technology when you aren't tech savvy

 I really have no idea what I am doing when I write in this Blog. I basically use it like an electronic journal but with the old fashioned idea that it is a typewriter. I am sure there must be more people like me. I really don't understand how to type a paper on the computer either. Every time I have had to type something up for some reason I have used Notebook on my computer but if it gets too long and I try to print it I usually end up with a mess. Technology is helpful and irritating at the same time. I mostly try not to think about it too hard. Use what I can and avoid what causes me stress. Maybe I just don't like doing hard things. At this point in life if I have to think too hard I am liable to break out in a sweat. Since I don't really have any readers I guess I can just go on writing random stuff and adding random pictures to my hearts content. For anyone who has read anything I have written, thank you for making the effort.

Exploding mouth syndrome

 The title Exploding mouth syndrome is what seems to be happening to me lately. Mostly I try, emphasis on try, to keep some of my thoughts and feelings inside my head. I think that by doing so I create so much pressure that they come flying out of my mouth at the smallest provocation. It is horrifying to me that it happens because I realize that sometimes the stuff I say is way too reactive to the situation. I usually apologize to whomever is the target which kind of negates my feelings and starts to create a new pressure build up. I sometimes try to let the thoughts and feelings out a little at a time through conversation but usually I feel like I am not being heard so I stop. Then wham my mouth explodes and a multitude of things are said that usually are not nice. Then the apology and the cycle starts anew. I liked it better when I could just keep pushing stuff to the back of my mind so no waves were made. Now when I feel something but don't say anything I literally feel like I am suffocating. Yet when I do say something I also feel like I am suffocating. This is why I constantly feel like I can't breathe. 

Is the dreamworld real

 Dreaming is a strange phenomenon to me. It makes me feel like I am living two lives that are similar but yet different. Maybe if I had fanciful dreams about unicorns or outer space it would just feel like life and then dreams. My dreams seem to be different versions of my actual life and not necessarily a happier version. Seems like when you go to sleep the goal is to let go of the days stresses and confusion and get rested to start again. When I sleep I dream like it is real and I feel and I get stressed in the dreams. I feel like I go to sleep to get away from reality only to step into a different reality and then I wake to get away from that. I have always had lots of dreams while I sleep sometimes vivid and sometimes waking with an odd feeling like I was somewhere else and now I'm not. I would prefer not to have vivid dreams. Still I couldn't really tell you what I dreamed about last night. The memory isn't gone because I kind of still feel it. It is like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue and you just can't retrieve it. If my brain insists on dreaming why can't it dream about being relaxed and chill. 

I did find this article that seemed a bit helpful. https://www.firstpsychology.co.uk/dreaming

Possible causes of depressed feeling.

 I have been feeling more depressed lately than ever. I kind of attribute it to my age and family issues. Actually I guess I really attribute it to me being more me than usual. Not being busy enough to not be the real me. Sometimes I get up in the morning and just want to go back to bed even though I don't enjoy sleeping because dang I dream a lot! Not dreams that make me feel good but dreams that make me feel like I feel all of the time. That right there is a sign to me that the blah feeling that I am always experiencing is an issue deep inside. Still sometimes I think maybe there is an outside cause of the intensity of the depressed feeling and the difficulty of getting past it. I use artificial sweeter in my coffee and in the soda that I drink. Looked it up today and I guess it can effect you neurologically. So maybe I will go back to plain old sugar that we all know isn't good for you. I am never going to not eat sugar one way or another so why confuse my system with the artificial stuff. I was kind of hoping it would keep my weight down but it actually hasn't so it is going to go. There is a part of me that thinks I should be able to control my feelings even with outside influences but it gets harder and harder. Wish I could just tell myself be happy gosh darn it. Nope that doesn't work. 

Creativity that creates a hoarding situation

 Now that I am retired I spend a large amount of time making things. Sometimes it is stuff that I can use outside in my crazy garden but mostly it is stuff that has to be stored if no one asks for it. When I draw or paint stuff I put it in a box. I would like to frame things but that uses up space so I wait until people ask for a picture. Other things that I craft also go into a box or sometimes I tuck it around my craft room which is jammed packed with stuff. Because I craft I see a use in many items others would throw away so I store them for future use and sometimes forget I have them. This is definitely a type of hoarding. It is so hard not to do it. I have thought of trying to maybe sell some of the stuff I make but feel like maybe people would turn their noses up to it. My psyche could not handle that. I like the stuff I make. But I am a bit weird. I need a house with a room dedicated to making a gallery of stuff I make. If I stop creating what else would I do?