Yet Another Day In This Never Ending Spiral Down Into Nothingness

Once again I had to force myself to get up. I woke up around eight and got a bowl of cereal, climbed back into bed to finish a story I was reading last night. Got a cup of tea to finish the story with and then curled up in bed with the intention to stay there for awhile. It just seems crazy to rush to start a day that will as usual make me feel like it really doesn't matter what I do or don't do. I guess it is lucky that my body just won't let me wallow in that bed, it is always saying to me that this laying down isn't comfortable, just get up. I also have been having dreams that make me uncomfortable so when I do try to linger in bed the thought is in my mind that I will return to said dreams so my brain insists that I get up. The problem is that when I do get up I feel just so exhausted with life. I have showered, started some laundry, eaten once again. Though seriously I wish I could stop with the eating, I have never been this heavy in my life. The bed is made, I perused Facebook as usual though seriously not sure why. Checked the bank balance, definitely not a way to make myself feel better. Peeked at Pinterest, once again not sure why, what magic am I looking for? The laundry is calling to be put in the dryer and a huge pile of dishes is waiting to be taken care of. All items to tick of the hours of the day until it is time to sleep, wake, and do it again. If I believed in God I would ask him to just grant me the ability to feel joy in things, not this every growing sense of dissatisfaction that is eating at my brain and making me into a person that even I don't want to be with.

Trying to Figure Out How to Live My Life At This Stage

Every day seems to be a struggle for me. I feel at such loose ends being retired and lonely. I have never been a friend sort of person and since I don't drive it is hard to get anywhere so I am alone. Yes I have a significant other but am beginning to wonder exactly how significant we are to each other. He seems to either not understand how I feel or is just hoping it all goes away. This makes me both sad and angry. I try to get him to tell me his thoughts but that doesn't happen. I am not saying he doesn't want me to be happy but it seems like he is fine with the state of our relationship. When you are feeling like life is a hot mess and no one seems to notice it is very lonely. At least when I was working I had some sort of purpose. Now I feel like a small blip on the radar screen of life that goes unnoticed while it is there so is not noticed if it is gone.

Being Terrorized by a Rodent

On New Years Eve a mouse decided to make itself known to everyone in the house. Needless to say a large part of the evening was devoted to said mouse with what to do varying from kill the little sucker to catch and release. All to no avail because he is one smart mouse. Won't go in the trap and moves too fast for catching. Now there has always been a problem with mice in here resulting in clean ups and the buying of poison(which said mouse also ignores) to traps that have worked on one but not this wily little pain in my you know what. Mr. mouse last made himself known on New Years morning and then no sightings until last evening after a long day of taking down the Christmas decorations and then he disappeared again. That is until this morning when he joined me at the kitchen counter where I was just going to start the dishes. As you can imagine there was a lot of screaming on my part which made him run fast and go into the stove. Yes I said go into the stove! I promptly turned on the broiler in hopes of mouse murder(no I am not ashamed of myself). I went and sat in a chair to tell everyone on facebook about my ordeal and the little sucker ran across the room at my feet and into one of the spare rooms which is so full of stuff that he can hide forever. After another bout of screaming I climbed up on the kitchen chair to finish telling the world about my ordeal. Mr. mouse had better leave town because I am now getting spring traps and praying we catch it and all further mice make themselves scarce or at least invisible. I have terrible visions of sleeping and a mouse crawling right into bed with us. I am writing this sitting warily on the couch with my boots on because it makes me less afraid than my stocking feet. Anyhow, there it is the great saga of rodent terrorism. Here is a picture of Mr. mouse I painted after New Years to deal with my fear of him.

She Cries

She cries though she tries not to
She cries because she is lonely
She cries because the day is long
She cries because it is all the same
She cries though she tries not to

Alone

She sits alone in the dark, hunched and small. She sits alone in the dark full of fear and pain. She sits alone in the dark wondering how all of this came to be. She sits alone in the dark wishing it all would end. She sits alone in the dark without even a friend. She sits alone in the dark not noticing a single spark of light. Why does she sit alone in the dark? Why does she not turn on a light? Why does she not fight the fear, find help for the pain? Why does she keep herself from making friends? She sits alone in the dark, hunched and small.

This Just Isn't Getting Better

I feel like a weight is just pushing down on me. I know that feeling the way I do is all on me but knowing does not help. I don't feel like anything matters. Get up in the morning okay but if I didn't so what. Get dressed okay but why. Clean the house okay but who cares. Do something to pass the time and yet time keeps right on coming. Feeling this way is just so stupid. The sun comes up every day and the world keeps on spinning but mostly it feels like a life that I am on the fringe of. There is no energy within myself to focus for any length of time. My brain feels like there is a way to live and I must keep on moving but my heart has grown weary and unable to experience life as it should be experienced. I cannot seem to give of myself anymore. I seem to have decided on a path of letting the world come to me if it chooses and if it doesn't than my feelings of being unwanted have always been correct. It seems that you are wanted if you can provide something to others and honestly others are wanted if they can provide something to you. I am just so confused about how I feel that I am trying not to feel but feeling is like breathing, don't do it and you die. This malaise that has settled upon my being brings back thoughts of my past self and the possible realization that there is fundamental problem with my ability to function in the real world. I am so tired.

The Rest of My Life

I haven't been retired for even two full months and I am going stir crazy. I was so sick of working at the same job for almost thirty years and I thought I would love being home and doing things when I wanted. I do love being able to craft and do household chores without pressure but I get so bored. This is probably because not being a driving person I am stuck here unless I ask to go do something. We have done some fun stuff this summer but it just isn't enough. I am beginning to feel like I could just sleep all day and who would know, who would care. I am so bored with even doing the stuff I like to do because it really doesn't matter at all. And what a weird feeling to realize that you did a job for so long and you not being there doesn't matter either. All of this creates a sense of being so alone and I am not even alone. I have Rich but we really are so different that I still feel alone even with him. I have the kids but things have gotten so crazy that I feel like I failed as their mom. Right now I really just hate myself so much.