This Just Isn't Getting Better

I feel like a weight is just pushing down on me. I know that feeling the way I do is all on me but knowing does not help. I don't feel like anything matters. Get up in the morning okay but if I didn't so what. Get dressed okay but why. Clean the house okay but who cares. Do something to pass the time and yet time keeps right on coming. Feeling this way is just so stupid. The sun comes up every day and the world keeps on spinning but mostly it feels like a life that I am on the fringe of. There is no energy within myself to focus for any length of time. My brain feels like there is a way to live and I must keep on moving but my heart has grown weary and unable to experience life as it should be experienced. I cannot seem to give of myself anymore. I seem to have decided on a path of letting the world come to me if it chooses and if it doesn't than my feelings of being unwanted have always been correct. It seems that you are wanted if you can provide something to others and honestly others are wanted if they can provide something to you. I am just so confused about how I feel that I am trying not to feel but feeling is like breathing, don't do it and you die. This malaise that has settled upon my being brings back thoughts of my past self and the possible realization that there is fundamental problem with my ability to function in the real world. I am so tired.

The Rest of My Life

I haven't been retired for even two full months and I am going stir crazy. I was so sick of working at the same job for almost thirty years and I thought I would love being home and doing things when I wanted. I do love being able to craft and do household chores without pressure but I get so bored. This is probably because not being a driving person I am stuck here unless I ask to go do something. We have done some fun stuff this summer but it just isn't enough. I am beginning to feel like I could just sleep all day and who would know, who would care. I am so bored with even doing the stuff I like to do because it really doesn't matter at all. And what a weird feeling to realize that you did a job for so long and you not being there doesn't matter either. All of this creates a sense of being so alone and I am not even alone. I have Rich but we really are so different that I still feel alone even with him. I have the kids but things have gotten so crazy that I feel like I failed as their mom. Right now I really just hate myself so much. 

Dear Children

Dear children of mine,

As I sit here wasting time so the day does not stretch so long in front of me I wonder if you think of me. Since I have retired, only a month and a half now, I really haven't known what to do with myself. I guess I though maybe there would be more time spent as a family but this family has become so dis-functional or maybe just more dis-functional that this did not happen. Sometimes I feel so very alone and purposeless. I do not lay this upon you because you are all grown with lives of your own which means that purpose in my life is over. Still sometimes it feels like I am adrift with out the anchors of you. Maybe I had children too early in life, before I could figure out who I was so now that I am unfettered by your needs, don't ever believe that for a moment, I am lost. I am not even alone in this world for I am in a relationship but since that relationship started later in life it does not fulfill my need for a purpose. With or without me my partner would survive, I don't feel needed which should be a good thing for isn't it better to be wanted than needed. Still most days I feel like if I all of a sudden disappeared it would be a tiny blip on the lives around me quickly forgotten.

How Henrietta Hornbuckle Learned to Love Herself

Henrietta Hornbuckle was a happy hen. Why would a hen have a name like Henrietta Hornbuckle you ask? Well Hornbuckle is the family name and I would thank you if you didn't laugh at that. My name is Jessica Hornbuckle and I am here to tell you Henrietta's story because I don't think you would understand if Henrietta told you; you being human and all.

 Now where was I? Oh yes, when I was a little girl my father brought home a box of chicks for the family to raise for eggs and to maybe eat. You can imagine how I felt about the eating part, shudder. Well there were a lot of chicks but this one chick just caught my eye and I decided that I loved it. My dad being the softie that he was told me that I could have this one to raise for my own; if it turned out to be a hen I could gather the eggs for the family and if it was a rooster it could watch out for all of the other chickens.

 My little chick grew rapidly and before long it was obvious that she was a hen so I named her Henrietta. Now Henrietta seemed happy pecking around the chicken yard and roosting in her hen house but sometimes it is hard to tell with chickens. As she got old enough to be laying eggs my dad told me to keep an eye out and check everyday to see if there was one in her roost. I checked everyday but not an egg was to be found. I loved Henrietta; she was such a pretty little hen, all white and silky with her sparkling eyes. When I would come into the chicken yard she would run right up to me and rub her head against my legs. Sometimes I would sit down on a stump in the yard and she would jump onto my lap and listen while I told her about my day. No really, she actually seemed to be listening and sometimes she would cluck at me like she was trying to tell me something.

 The days went by and still no eggs from Henrietta and she didn't seem as happy anymore. Lately when I came into the chicken yard she didn't come running but just stood by the wire fence looking into the neighbor's yard. Now our neighbor was a fine friendly lady who just happened to keep peacocks for pets. What crazy beautiful creatures they were with their loud voices and pretty feathers. Well Henrietta just seemed to be obsessed with these creatures, she could see them in their pens from the chicken yard and would stand and stare at them for the longest time. For some reason I felt that the peacocks made her feel bad about being a chicken. Didn't my beautiful white silky feathered Henrietta know how beautiful she was?

 If things went on they way they were, I worried that Henrietta would get sadder and never be happy enough to lay any eggs. I worried that if she didn't lay eggs my dad would start thinking of her as supper. There was no way I was going to eat my friend!

 The next time I went into the chicken yard I walked right over to Henrietta and scooped her up onto my lap and told her we were going to have a chat. I said," Henrietta my sweet hen I have to tell you a crazy story. I was visiting our neighbor Mrs. Pennybone, yes we do have interesting names around here don't we? Anyhow Mrs Pennybone was telling me how her beautiful peacocks had been acting sort of sad lately and she had been trying to figure out why. She said the answer came to her the other day when she noticed you standing next to the fence watching her peacocks. You see they have been watching you too and wishing that they could be as beautiful as you are. Now Mrs Pennybone had a nice chat with those peacocks of hers and let them know that as beautiful as you are they also are beautiful. That all living things are no more and no less beautiful than another, that we are all beautiful and should be joyful. Now Henrietta I sure do hope you haven't been feeling less than beautiful and if so I hope this conversation has put your mind at ease. I love you my sweet hen."


 Henrietta stared at me the whole time I was talking with those sparkling eyes of hers and when I had finished, she lifted her head high, shook out her silky feathers and jumped from my lap. That beautiful little hen went a pecking away around the chicken yard full of energy once again. As I stood to leave she ran over and rubbed her head against my legs as if to let me know she understood. Don't you know the very next morning when I checked Henrietta's roost there was a beautiful egg waiting for me. Henrietta Hornbuckle

was a happy hen.

Trying To Go On With Life

It seems life has come full circle for me. Once again my son has shut me out even though he says that is not what he is doing. I don't think he has ever forgiven me for not being with his dad when he died and has created a complex reality of it in his mind. Either way he has decided to create a new life that doesn't include me even though I am sure he would have no problem coming to me if he needed something. I miss my grandchildren so I will have to figure out a way to see them and I will need Rich's help for that and that is just another whole story. Sometimes I wish that I could just disappear completely. What is the since of any of this anymore, what is the purpose, why keep struggling? I am so sad right now that I just want to stop being. My heart is broken yet again, maybe if life keeps at me this way it will break for real.

Just Let The Tears Fall

My heart is surrounded by a giant teardrop made up of tears not allowed to fall
When the world is too much for me my brain wants me to shed tears to relieve the pressure that builds inside of me
But after a few tears fall, my psyche says stop, it will not help, just stop
There are still tears that needed to fall so they gather around my heart and now they have encompassed it completely
My heart is drowning in tears 

I Am A Sister

I am a sister. I am one of eleven siblings, eight girls and three boys. Of those eleven siblings there are seven of us still living. I am a sister to my brother Leman. Though he is no longer on the earth with us I am still his sister. Leman was the strength in our family, especially after my dad died. He did the stuff we could not do and his children were as close to us as we were to each other. When he died a hole was left in our universe.  I am a sister to my oldest sister Alberta who is twenty years my senior. Alberta has always been someone who I looked up to and adored. When I was young and my daddy died and my mom and my youngest sister had to move and to be near the family she was always there to help, guide, and have fun with. As I grew older and had children we weren't as close, probably because my life has always been a crazy cyclone of an existence, but the love has never waned. I am a sister to my brother Hank. I do not see my brother because he lives in the south but I will always love him. I have memories of him that will never go away even if we don't see each other. Being on the back end of a large family makes a lot of my siblings seem more like favorite aunts and uncles sometimes or at least it used to be that way. As I grow older I feel more like their sister. I am a sister to my sister Ginny. She also is no longer on this earth with us. Some of my memories of her are tinged with aggravation. She and I seemed to rub each other the wrong way which is odd with the years between us. Maybe we were alike and that is why. Still she was no less loved than my other siblings.  I am a sister to my sister Rosie. Oh what a wonderful woman Rosie is though sometimes she doesn't see it. Creative and hardworking and the most nurturing person you can find. She has been through hardships and recently lost my brother in law which made me worry a bit. Still she has raised an amazing family and it has extended with beautiful children. She is surrounded by love so I no longer worry. I am a sister to my brother Charlie. He was taken from us when he and I both were young. Him a young man and me a little girl. It was my first experience with death and it was horrible. Memories are foggy but are of a fun loving man. His death crumpled my dad, that I do remember and I am sure it sped my father's own death along. I am a sister to my sister Barb. The memories my sister Barb and I made together will always reside in my heart. We didn't see eye to eye always but always came back to a closeness that was wonderful. She is not here with us on this earth but she is always in our heart. I am a sister to my sister Sue. My sister Sue like Rosie does not always see her worth but oh what an amazing nurturing woman she is. I wish we lived closer so we could visit without it being a big event with others always there but it has never been that way and I love her anyway. I am a sister to my sister Betty. She is eight years older than me but I have always felt very close to her. She was there when I was growing into a young woman and like Barb she was my go to for those questions I felt uncomfortable asking my mom or my big sister Alberta who was almost like my mom. She can make me laugh and even if she doesn't agree with the way I conduct my life I never doubt her love for me. Last but not least I am a sister to my sister Sandy. We are the closest in age, she is a year younger than me, and all of our growing up we did together. We were toddlers together, teenagers together, and adults together. We have laughed, we have cried and we have worried about life together. We are different and the same all at once. I don't think she knows how amazing she is. She is loved.