I Just Don't Know What to Do

Sometimes there doesn't feel like I make any forward movement in life. I make decisions based on impulses and then try to make a go of the situation. I don't make decisions because I am afraid it is an impulsive thought trying to get through and still try to make a go of it.  I do believe that I am incapable of getting control of my life because I expect it all to just happen. I don't want to deal with the hard stuff.  Oh I make it look like I am being the strong one, getting things done and doing the right thing. Yet all am really doing is avoiding the hard stuff. How do you know what is the right thing to do?  After all I have learned that in life there are no take backs.  You make a decision, thought out or impulsive, and you have to take the consequences.  Do you just do what you feel?  Do you just do what you want?  Do you just keep on doing what you are doing and hope it is right?  It is all so stressful that it makes you not want to do anything at all.  Just curl up in a ball and stop being.  I would like to be able to just pretend that all is good.  When the thoughts of things not being right come along, I would like to be able to shake them off with ease and just live.  When I get frustrated I would like to take a breath and just get over it.  When I get irritated at something or someone I would like to close my eyes, put on a smile and let it go. I would like happy to come back to live with me but I am not sure it ever really has. Just because the story isn't going like I planned I would like to have the discipline to keep on with it. After all you never know what might be in the next chapter.  Please help me not to end one story prematurely to jump into another one that might be even less satisfying. No story is perfect.

I Think I have Lived My Lifetime

I lay in bed yesterday trying to get rid of a headache and thoughts of my life started running through my brain. Visions of the past near and far chased each other for attention and a thought managed to sneak through the chaos; I have had a lifetime. Now I am in my fifties so I probably shouldn't be having a thought like that with a period on the end but that is exactly how it felt. Of course I have been really out of sorts lately so that could be the reason but I am not sure. Try thinking back on your life, try to remember being a child, a teenager, a young adult etc etc etc. Think of the people you have known, loved, hated and just bumped into. Peruse the newsstand in you head and review the events that have occurred since you became aware of the world around you. Think of your children and their lives and maybe your grandchildren and their lives. The more you think the more your brain becomes full and the thought I have had a lifetime pops up. Now I know that there will probably be more to this life but I can't see or feel connected to the rest of it. It feels like the main chapters are written and only the epilogue is left. Still sometimes that can be the best part of the story.

When memories from your childhood crash around in your brain

Finding life difficult these days. Perhaps this is why I am sleeping too much and when I am lying there my brain is trying to retrieve childhood memories. These memories don't flow into sight easily; they pop up hither and yon and then make me try to remember other things. I have a hard time remembering some things and am not always sure that the memories are true or if they are the product of other memories and impressions. As I lay there trying to recall elusive information from a past that gets farther away as the years go by I begin to realize that these memories do not really matter. I get the feeling of that was then and this is now and tomorrow, now will once again be then so what does it matter.  Still I suppose these memories are what makes parts of us who we are so when we can't recall something we should know it sets up a whirlwind of anxiety inside the brain. I have a brother who I haven't seen in a multitude of years so memories of him are more from childhood than anything else. I was trying to recall the names of his children last night and I succeeded until I got to my niece and her name is right there on the tip of my brain but it must be caught on a snag. I will have to ask my sister when I see her. She will remember. I think I forget things about other people because I am so absorbed in myself, which is why I find life difficult. When people treat me kindly it makes me uncomfortable because I don't really believe I deserve it. I feel like they see an image of me that is untrue. It is not that I believe I am a bad person but I do not involve myself in humanity enough to be treated kindly. Lord I am sad.

Still in an emotional limbo

Today is New Year's Eve. Will be picking up my grandson Tyler later to bring him back here to spend the night. This will allow his mother to have some grown up time. I would like to say I am excited about this but really I just want to sleep.  I don't think I really know how to amuse this grandson and I feel so blah that I am not sure I can. I don't want him to feel neglected but he will probably be playing video games with Rich anyhow. Thinking it probably would have been better to watch him at his house. Are these holidays over yet? Will watch the parade tomorrow and then take Tyler home. After that it is just a matter of getting through the rest of the day and back to work the next day. Pretty sad that work is now the only place I care to be but on the other hand I am thankful that I enjoy that again. Lord please just give me some enthusiasm for something and help me get through the other hours of my life without causing anyone pain.

Ending the year on a wave of what to do

The year is ending and my emotions are so wrecked. On one hand they all seem to have gone away and on the other hand they seem to be confused. Nothing feels right, everything has changed. Affection is something that is missing, I seem to not be connecting to anyone on any level deeper than surface. Not sure if the ability to care is gone or if I am suppressing my feelings to avoid facing some of the feelings I don't like. Tried to envision and remember the feelings I used to have and seriously it is like trying to remember how it felt to be around someone who has been gone a long time. I am not emotionless because when I think about all of this stuff and write it down I tear up, which I quickly put a stop to in fear of total loss of control. What if I have lost the ability to feel deep affection? That scares me so much. Can you have a mental illness that changes how you feel about stuff? Lord I am sad!!!! These thoughts are such a burden. There is no one to share them with that they won't bother or that can help. Sometimes I just get so tired of being me. Writing about this is causing me pain. Just need to keep moving through life and not think. Wish sleeping didn't actually cause me physical pain because I would do a lot more of it.

  The Story Of The Jiggle Frog

Once upon a time, there was a little frog.  He was small and green with tiny yellow spots.  He lived on a log, solid and warm, that floated in a quiet peaceful pond.  The pond was surrounded by cattails and beautiful green grasses that swayed in the wind as if dancing to a song.

All day long the little frog hopped on his log wishing for a friend.  As the calm quiet night fell over the pond, the little green frog would curl up on his log and dream.  He would dream a song, a song calling to a friend.

           Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I'm a little frog
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I live on a log
     
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I hop all day
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      Come and play

      Come and play
      Come and play
      Come and play with me

In a cozy house a short distance away there lived a sturdy little boy full of energy and sunshine.  He smiled and played the day away happy as can be.  One warm sunny day the little boy ventured across the distance to the pond.  With his happy blue eyes he spied the little green frog.  He was so delighted with his discovery that he began to sing. 

      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle  
        You're a little frog
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      You live on a log   
       
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      You hop all day
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      Can I come and play

      Can I come and play
      Can I come and play
      Can I come and play with you

To this day the little green frog with tiny yellow spots and the sturdy little boy who is full of sunshine are the best of friends.


A little story based on song I used to sing to Michael when his was a baby.    
      


        

Holidays can break the shell

Some of us surround ourselves with a shell invisible to others. A shell that helps us survive from day to day and get a bit of enjoyment out of life once in awhile. This shell keeps our intense feelings from exploding out and causing others stress. This shell deflects and or absorbs the things in life that make us want to scream, cry, or lash out. The shell wears thin and it is a constant struggle to add layers to it for our and others preservation. Holiday time is a busy, crazy stressful time. Expectations run high and rarely met. This is a time when the shell that surrounds us takes a beating, wearing thin in places and most likely cracking in several more. When this happen all of the stuff the shell has been keeping out gets in and the stuff it has been keeping in gets out. It is never pretty. Here's to hoping the shell holds this Holiday season.