The year is ending and my emotions are so wrecked. On one hand they all seem to have gone away and on the other hand they seem to be confused. Nothing feels right, everything has changed. Affection is something that is missing, I seem to not be connecting to anyone on any level deeper than surface. Not sure if the ability to care is gone or if I am suppressing my feelings to avoid facing some of the feelings I don't like. Tried to envision and remember the feelings I used to have and seriously it is like trying to remember how it felt to be around someone who has been gone a long time. I am not emotionless because when I think about all of this stuff and write it down I tear up, which I quickly put a stop to in fear of total loss of control. What if I have lost the ability to feel deep affection? That scares me so much. Can you have a mental illness that changes how you feel about stuff? Lord I am sad!!!! These thoughts are such a burden. There is no one to share them with that they won't bother or that can help. Sometimes I just get so tired of being me. Writing about this is causing me pain. Just need to keep moving through life and not think. Wish sleeping didn't actually cause me physical pain because I would do a lot more of it.
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