Still in an emotional limbo

Today is New Year's Eve. Will be picking up my grandson Tyler later to bring him back here to spend the night. This will allow his mother to have some grown up time. I would like to say I am excited about this but really I just want to sleep.  I don't think I really know how to amuse this grandson and I feel so blah that I am not sure I can. I don't want him to feel neglected but he will probably be playing video games with Rich anyhow. Thinking it probably would have been better to watch him at his house. Are these holidays over yet? Will watch the parade tomorrow and then take Tyler home. After that it is just a matter of getting through the rest of the day and back to work the next day. Pretty sad that work is now the only place I care to be but on the other hand I am thankful that I enjoy that again. Lord please just give me some enthusiasm for something and help me get through the other hours of my life without causing anyone pain.

Ending the year on a wave of what to do

The year is ending and my emotions are so wrecked. On one hand they all seem to have gone away and on the other hand they seem to be confused. Nothing feels right, everything has changed. Affection is something that is missing, I seem to not be connecting to anyone on any level deeper than surface. Not sure if the ability to care is gone or if I am suppressing my feelings to avoid facing some of the feelings I don't like. Tried to envision and remember the feelings I used to have and seriously it is like trying to remember how it felt to be around someone who has been gone a long time. I am not emotionless because when I think about all of this stuff and write it down I tear up, which I quickly put a stop to in fear of total loss of control. What if I have lost the ability to feel deep affection? That scares me so much. Can you have a mental illness that changes how you feel about stuff? Lord I am sad!!!! These thoughts are such a burden. There is no one to share them with that they won't bother or that can help. Sometimes I just get so tired of being me. Writing about this is causing me pain. Just need to keep moving through life and not think. Wish sleeping didn't actually cause me physical pain because I would do a lot more of it.

  The Story Of The Jiggle Frog

Once upon a time, there was a little frog.  He was small and green with tiny yellow spots.  He lived on a log, solid and warm, that floated in a quiet peaceful pond.  The pond was surrounded by cattails and beautiful green grasses that swayed in the wind as if dancing to a song.

All day long the little frog hopped on his log wishing for a friend.  As the calm quiet night fell over the pond, the little green frog would curl up on his log and dream.  He would dream a song, a song calling to a friend.

           Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I'm a little frog
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I live on a log
     
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I hop all day
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      Come and play

      Come and play
      Come and play
      Come and play with me

In a cozy house a short distance away there lived a sturdy little boy full of energy and sunshine.  He smiled and played the day away happy as can be.  One warm sunny day the little boy ventured across the distance to the pond.  With his happy blue eyes he spied the little green frog.  He was so delighted with his discovery that he began to sing. 

      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle  
        You're a little frog
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      You live on a log   
       
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      You hop all day
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      Can I come and play

      Can I come and play
      Can I come and play
      Can I come and play with you

To this day the little green frog with tiny yellow spots and the sturdy little boy who is full of sunshine are the best of friends.


A little story based on song I used to sing to Michael when his was a baby.    
      


        

Holidays can break the shell

Some of us surround ourselves with a shell invisible to others. A shell that helps us survive from day to day and get a bit of enjoyment out of life once in awhile. This shell keeps our intense feelings from exploding out and causing others stress. This shell deflects and or absorbs the things in life that make us want to scream, cry, or lash out. The shell wears thin and it is a constant struggle to add layers to it for our and others preservation. Holiday time is a busy, crazy stressful time. Expectations run high and rarely met. This is a time when the shell that surrounds us takes a beating, wearing thin in places and most likely cracking in several more. When this happen all of the stuff the shell has been keeping out gets in and the stuff it has been keeping in gets out. It is never pretty. Here's to hoping the shell holds this Holiday season.

While You Sleep

As I lay here with my eyes open wide
As you lay there at my side
There is a wall growing between us two
There is a wall invisible to you
Every minute that goes by in this way
Every minute that in silence we lay
Is a moment taken from our life
Is a moment that cuts like a knife
My eyes close upon this thought
You sleep while this battle is fought

Just deal with it for heaven's sake!

As I sit here putzing around on the computer before work a lump lodges itself in my throat and chest. Life is so full of issues and most people face them and either resolve them, rail against them, or move away from them. Lately I just try to live around them like they are piles of clutter that I will get to later. The piles just grow larger and less stable and it probably won't belong before the giant piles of life's issues topple over burying me underneath.

Where Have The Warm and Fuzzies Gone?

You know those warms and fuzzy feelings just about everyone has? The ones that make you ooh and aah over fireworks, smile at a baby or want to pet a puppy. Do they go away or maybe into hiding?
Do other less desirable feelings push them aside? What can you say when you should be experiencing a warm and fuzzy feeling and after an initial twinge it just fades into the background and you move on? And I do mean move because if you don't keep moving, filling up your time with activity, there is an emptiness that clamors at the back of your psyche making you just want to not be. Sometimes after just filling up enough time you can close your eyes and retreat into sleep. Sleep and dreaming can be handled because nothing lasts long term in the land of sleep. Dreams are like snippets of life that can be changed if they become too much. A stretch, a yawn, a quick trip to the bathroom and it is gone with another snippet to replace it. No long term commitment and yet no empty space either; no time to get overwhelmed or bored. There is also a wakeful part of your psyche that is aware that these snippets are just stories so their impact on your emotions are fleeting at best. It is a bit like riding a thrill ride, reading a steamy romance, experiencing a fright show, or even watching a feel good movie: a quick punch on the correct emotional button for a temporary reaction and then move on. I guess the warm and fuzzy feelings have gotten lost in dreams and temporary reactions to media where as they used to be the cheering section inside my brain.

Just Drifting Along in Life

Every day that goes by adrift in this sea of whatever is a day lost to life. There is no sighting of the land called solution so I continue to drift. I have provisions for basic survival which is not necessarily a good thing. It leaves me physically safe but mentally uncomfortable. I look for the land of solution but since I am in no tangible danger I do nothing to bring myself in any direction to find this land. Maybe the land will come to me? This is not a feasible concept but the sea of whatever has a strong effect; dampening my thought process until it is warped beyond repair. I fear that being adrift in the sea of whatever is my fate until a storm of enough is enough crashes down upon me forcing a reaction. Whether that reaction will be to survive or perish is yet to be seen.

Spending the day with Michael

Spending the day with Michael is usually filled with many things. He always wants to do everything when he is here and can never stay focused on one thing for too long. He spent the night Saturday so that evening was filled with eating, watching tv, being on the computer, getting out the toys, more tv, etc, etc, etc. Sunday morning started with tv and five minutes later there he goes onto the computer. LOL We put some decorations out, made the dummy, well actually I made the dummy, he gave advice. After he carried the dummy out and set him on the chair I brought out the red paint and we had blood. How I managed not to get it on him I don't know because I got very enthusiastic! My hands ended up looking like I was the murderer. We went inside and made cookies, two kinds and he went on the computer again. Then we proceeded to go back out and add lights to the graveyard and I kept walking through the "blood" and Michael thought that was hilarious. Back inside for a dinner of hamburgs and fries and then it was time to take my little man home. Needless to say I was tired but happy. Sometimes I wish they all lived walking distance from me and then I wonder if that would be a good idea. I think maybe it would be a wonderful idea.

Doing my little bit of artwork may be my savings grace.

My hours at work and my inability to drive leaves me a lot of time to kill before actually having to be a work. I walk and drink too much coffee and unfortunately shop a bit but I also do some of my art. When it got to difficult to be lugging a heavy bag with a regular size sketch pad and supplies I started working on a smaller scale. Sometimes I wish for the bigger size and all of my coloring options but I can satisfy that need at home during the many instances when I just don't know what to do with myself. A great artist I am not, but these endeavors are just a continuance of my love to color as a child and they bring me joy.

When Your Feelings Change Without a So Much as By Your Leave

Oh my love, my feelings for you have grown cold.

Oh my love, my heart wishes for the days of old.

I fear my love that too much time has passed.

I fear my love that the end for us is coming fast.

Oh my love, this is not how I want it to be.

Oh my love, how to fix this I cannot see.

I fear my love that this will not end well.

I fear my love that the last curtain has fell.

Oh my love, I pray this emptiness will leave.

Oh my love, I am not sure what to believe.

I Am Alone in My Musings

I am afraid. Afraid of dying for the first time ever. No, I should rephrase that, I am afraid of death for the first time but I have always been afraid of the dying process. Death used to mean transition to me not an ending. That was when I believed in things. Things like God and then when the concept of God became an illogical idea, things like spiritual energy and other-worldly existence and continuance. However, as of late I seem to have lost all belief in anything I cannot see or touch. This leaves me alone and adrift and frightened. I wouldn't even know who to talk to about this or how. Part of me really really wants someone or something to make me believe. Make me believe in a fantastical afterlife, make me believe that those gone before are somewhere to reunite with, make me believe that the me that I am will continue but happier and better than the me that I am, make me believe that Death is not a period at the end of life. I want someone or something to make me believe. Make me believe that there is a power to help in times of strife, a power to rejoice in times of joy, a power to feel my pain, my fear, and my confusion. Make me believe even if it is a fairy tale for fairy tales used to be my favorite stories.

Sometimes It Would Be NIce To Be More Positive

Do you ever feel like you are less than you probably are? Do you compare your thoughts and talents to those of others and find them wanting? Do you ever feel like an insignificant piece of nothing in a world of amazing? Do you want to be comfortable with who you are deep down inside? Do you want to do the things you like and not feel like it is all a waste? Do you want to appreciate others abilities without that knot of resentment that you feel when your own abilities seem less by comparison? Do you want to just be content with the you that is probably as wonderful as you find others to be? Do you?
You are the you that you are and that is a wonderful thing. Your thoughts and talents are yours to enjoy not to be put up for comparison and they are wonderful. The world is an amazing place with amazing things and people and you are an amazing part of it. If you stop and breath and be quiet you can feel and hear the deep down inside part of you and it will bring you comfort. Nothing you do in life is a waste, it is all part of a grand collage of existence. Go ahead and enjoy the abilities of others and do not hold yourself up in comparison as all beings are unique and the same at once and are all part of the bigger picture. Without each participant life would be a puzzle without all of it's pieces so feel secure that all contributions are just as important as any. Look in the mirror and know that the image you see is amazing and special and never let that feeling go. Just be you.

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to me.
Yippy you say?
Pardon me if I don't quite feel that way.
Sure, when I was younger
Birthdays made me smile.
Haven't felt that way for quite awhile.
Every year they come and go.
A day of joy?
Another year older, oh boy!

A Cold and Blustery Day in Central New York

It is very cold and blustery this 26th day of March here in Lee Center, NY.  This would not be unusual except for the very unusual weather we have had for the previous two weeks. Temperatures so far above normal that all kinds of records have been broken. People getting sunburns, mosquitoes having a hay day, and early bloomers all the way around. The crocuses and snowdrops have come and gone, the daffodils are dancing in the wind. Hyacinths are scenting the air and tulips are trying to catch up. Rose bushes and trees are sprouting leaves in eager anticipation. And now the cold has returned and a big freeze is expected this evening. What will happen to all of these early bloomers? Will the cold cut their early beginnings short and stunt their summer time beauty; or will they stand strong against this renewed onslaught of the cold? I hope for the latter because it would be a shame that the joy we all derived from the early warmth should be squashed by the sadness of a spring halted in mid-step. So let us all have hope and let the power of our hope win out. Bless us all.

life as i see it by jackie: The troubles of life and the rescuers

life as i see it by jackie: The troubles of life and the rescuers

The troubles of life and the rescuers

I am definitely not equipped to handle major stress issues. When the big hard things happen in life I crumble like a piece of tissue paper. I manage to pick myself up and do what needs to be done but the whole time there is another me inside screaming I don't want to deal with this, I can't deal with this!!

At the same time the visible me just keeps on moving and trying to keep up a good face. One of these days the inside me is going to win.

Today is February 6 2012

Today is another day in another month in another year in the same old life. Yet not the same old life because every minute that goes by makes this life a new moment. The moments in your life add up to time spent in creating your existence. Thus it cannot really ever be the same old. That is just a perception. Perception, there in lies the crux of the situation I find myself in at any given moment of my so called life. How I perceive things just keeps causing me all kinds of trouble and heartache. Over thinking is also a problem of late. So on this day of February the sixth of the year two thousand and twelve I sit here putting words down for no reason except that it is what I feel like doing at this moment in my so called life. It also helps me to avoid all the things that I don't want to deal with at this moment in my so called life. Of course all of this avoiding of things is exhausting so before you know it my so called life will probably just slip away without me having lived it. So sad.

Sad is not a good feeling

Sad is not a good feeling, especially when it is an unreasonable sad. If you can't bring yourself to address the problems in your life that are making you sad then it is unreasonable to be sad. Still the sad is there and it is an undeniable feeling coursing through your body, threatening to take over all of the time. You just keep moving hoping you can hide what you are feeling and what you are thinking. Sometimes you are not even sure what you are thinking so you just don't say or do anything, try to sleep or feign sleep, anything to keep Sad at bay.

  SAD IS NOT A GOOD FEELING

Where did the me I recognize go?

When did I become someone who I don't really recognize? How did this creep up on me? MY feelings are foreign to me and my reactions that of a stranger. When I am alone I think I know how things are and how they can be but as soon as I am around others I spin out of control. Oh it isn't always noticeable because most of the time I can hide it but inside there are all of these question marks and exclamation points flying around having a war. There isn't anywhere for me to turn because in the end it is all me. I have to get a handle on things, I have to decide what direction to turn, I have to figure out who I am. I can't turn to God because my mind says it isn't a logical thing, one higher being controlling it all or even guiding it all, not possible, not probable, and not really a comfortable idea. Higher power? The not logical mind says it rests in all of us, that (God) is power radiating off of every living and non-living thing in the universe and our ability to tap into it for any reason. If that is the case one can understand the evil that is around because that power exists also and the good because there is that power too. But in the end my logical mind has lost all ability for fantasy, feeling like every thing that I feel and do is the result of the neurons in my brain not firing correctly. That this life is all there is and really why bother. But still there is an iota of hope because nothing in this universe seems to be set in stone, even things that are predictable a million times over sometimes veer off the predictable path. Even if (God ) isn't some benign power watching over us, maybe the power floating around this universe can help instead of hurt. Maybe you just have to let yourself be open to help. And that is the hardest thing of all.