Every Day I Feel This Way

I am sad and I feel stupid about it. My relationships with my children are sporadic. Life is a challenge. My relationship with the man in my life isn't really a relationship anymore. I put myself here so I blame myself but that doesn't make me less sad, only more. I am so lonely that I don't want to get up in the morning but I don't want to sleep either because my dreams are just damned disturbing. I don't know what I am supposed to do about all of this, I am lost. I guess I will just keep pretending that nothing matters and yet it all matters.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING I HAVE

IS IT THE AIR
IS IT THE COLD
IS IT MY AGE
AFTER ALL I AM OLD

IS IT MY LIFE
IS IT MY THOUGHTS
IS IT DELUSION
IT FEELS ALL FOR NAUGHT

IS IT DEPRESSION
IS IT A SICKNESS
IS IT SELF-PITY
WHY FEEL SO WORTHLESS

IS IT THE END
IS IT FOR NOW
IS IT ETERNITY
JUST WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME

Today Is Not A Good Day

Today is not a good day
Not that today is different than any other day
Every day I struggle to find a way to be in this life
Every day I wish for a feeling of purpose and satisfaction
Some days I can make it through better than others
Today is not a good day
Today I am feeling alone, sad and guilty for feeling this way
Today I wish I could stop feeling this way
No day is really a good day anymore
No day brings a sparkle to my soul
Some days I can deal with the sense of limbo
Today is not one of those days

Feelings Best Left Unsaid

She wakes to yet another day with a sense of dread and sadness
When did these feelings start to dominate her world
Once more she goes through the motions of the day, much like the day before
However the motions have started to be spaced with periods of nothingness
Just sitting not wanting to move or start the next useless activity to fill a day
This is a terrible way to feel, to act, to live, this she knows
She is not quite herself but can't seem to figure out what herself should be
There is anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment and self hatred
There are tears and pain and hopelessness fighting to get loose
She knows she should not feel or act the way that she does, which makes it worse
Just stop her mind screams, get up, do the stuff that has to be done
Just stop her mind screams, do something to distract yourself
Just stop her mind screams do not let your emotions take hold and control you
She feels like she should be quiet and invisible so no one will know
She feels like she should be quiet and invisible so not to cause pain
She does not stay quiet though she mostly feels invisible
She does not stay quiet and most likely causes others pain
She wishes it was not this way
She is very tired of it all

Allowing Yourself Moments of Sad

When life doesn't turn out the way you expected you adjust in whatever way is good for you. I never expected to have a family that seems so disconnected from each other. I know even family doesn't always see eye to eye but I guess I always thought the fact that we were family would glue us all together. I believe I always wanted the type of family life where we all loved each other and wanted to be around each other. Well it hasn't really worked out that way so I just keep telling myself that it is just the way it is. It makes for a bit of withdrawal for protection and then all of a sudden the emotions will overtake all of the rationalizations that your brain has set in place and you become a puddle of sad. The key is to let yourself become that puddle for a bit and then pull it all back together for a bit more.

As You Grow Older You Bring All Of Your Youthful Selves Along

A few days ago I was out shopping with my grandchildren and I got a jolt. As I was checking out the cashier asked for my email. As I gave it to her I could feel my ten year old granddaughter looking at me. She asked me what I had said my email was and when I told her she said that it sounded stupid. Needless to say I was taken aback. My email is a bit whimsical as I would like to think I am. She said it sounded like something a teenager would use. Now I am a sixty year old woman so I guess maybe to her using a whimsical email is a silly thing. Though I thought she knew me better than that. I tried to explain to her that even though I was older my younger selves still resided within me. The girl who climbed trees, who made tents over the clothesline, and who pretended that barn swallows were dive bombers trying to get her. The girl that played all kinds of tag games, who made leaf beds to lie on in the fall, and who could lie in the grass looking for four leaf clovers forever. How many children and grandchildren look upon the adults in their lives and not realize that those adults are made up of many younger selves? Does our age require we lose those bits of ourselves we carry from previous years? Am I too old to love dragons and fantasy and just about any whimsical thing in life? Am I too old to let music give me wings with which to fly? Too old to want to explore the dark woods or splash in waters along a beach? Am I too old to be silly once in awhile? Maybe in the eyes of youth I may seem too old for this but what they don't realize is that the youth they are living right now doesn't end, it just moves forward with them as more layers of living are added. So when you look at your aging parent remember that the person who danced and partied and maybe raised hell is still there right along side of the person who sits and watches television quietly or seems to be too tired for life sometimes. When you look upon your aged grandparent remember that right along side of the person who you think couldn't possibly understand how life is for you is a youngster who probably thought the same thing once. Without the layers of ourselves coming along for the ride aging would just be a physical hardship impossible to handle. Some days we need to remind ourselves of what we could and did do just to get through a day and old memories of joy and laughter sometimes help spark the urge to create new memories of joy and laughter. I will not give up my inner child for without it I am less than whole.

Dreams In Her Head

She woke up this morning with dreams still in her head

She thought to herself,  if I dream all night why bother going to bed

Why must my mind  show these stories to me all night long

Why can't I just sleep with no thoughts, would that be wrong

Sometimes the dreams that she has cause her anxiety and stress

She thought the purpose of sleep was to make the hardness of life a little bit less

What are these dreams trying to get her to see or make her feel

Sometimes the dreams unlike her life seem almost too real

It is a good thing the dreams fade faster than most memories do

If not her mind would become cluttered with old and with new

She wouldn't know which were memories or dreams


Her life would feel less real than it already seems