How Henrietta Hornbuckle Learned to Love Herself

Henrietta Hornbuckle was a happy hen. Why would a hen have a name like Henrietta Hornbuckle you ask? Well Hornbuckle is the family name and I would thank you if you didn't laugh at that. My name is Jessica Hornbuckle and I am here to tell you Henrietta's story because I don't think you would understand if Henrietta told you; you being human and all.

 Now where was I? Oh yes, when I was a little girl my father brought home a box of chicks for the family to raise for eggs and to maybe eat. You can imagine how I felt about the eating part, shudder. Well there were a lot of chicks but this one chick just caught my eye and I decided that I loved it. My dad being the softie that he was told me that I could have this one to raise for my own; if it turned out to be a hen I could gather the eggs for the family and if it was a rooster it could watch out for all of the other chickens.

 My little chick grew rapidly and before long it was obvious that she was a hen so I named her Henrietta. Now Henrietta seemed happy pecking around the chicken yard and roosting in her hen house but sometimes it is hard to tell with chickens. As she got old enough to be laying eggs my dad told me to keep an eye out and check everyday to see if there was one in her roost. I checked everyday but not an egg was to be found. I loved Henrietta; she was such a pretty little hen, all white and silky with her sparkling eyes. When I would come into the chicken yard she would run right up to me and rub her head against my legs. Sometimes I would sit down on a stump in the yard and she would jump onto my lap and listen while I told her about my day. No really, she actually seemed to be listening and sometimes she would cluck at me like she was trying to tell me something.

 The days went by and still no eggs from Henrietta and she didn't seem as happy anymore. Lately when I came into the chicken yard she didn't come running but just stood by the wire fence looking into the neighbor's yard. Now our neighbor was a fine friendly lady who just happened to keep peacocks for pets. What crazy beautiful creatures they were with their loud voices and pretty feathers. Well Henrietta just seemed to be obsessed with these creatures, she could see them in their pens from the chicken yard and would stand and stare at them for the longest time. For some reason I felt that the peacocks made her feel bad about being a chicken. Didn't my beautiful white silky feathered Henrietta know how beautiful she was?

 If things went on they way they were, I worried that Henrietta would get sadder and never be happy enough to lay any eggs. I worried that if she didn't lay eggs my dad would start thinking of her as supper. There was no way I was going to eat my friend!

 The next time I went into the chicken yard I walked right over to Henrietta and scooped her up onto my lap and told her we were going to have a chat. I said," Henrietta my sweet hen I have to tell you a crazy story. I was visiting our neighbor Mrs. Pennybone, yes we do have interesting names around here don't we? Anyhow Mrs Pennybone was telling me how her beautiful peacocks had been acting sort of sad lately and she had been trying to figure out why. She said the answer came to her the other day when she noticed you standing next to the fence watching her peacocks. You see they have been watching you too and wishing that they could be as beautiful as you are. Now Mrs Pennybone had a nice chat with those peacocks of hers and let them know that as beautiful as you are they also are beautiful. That all living things are no more and no less beautiful than another, that we are all beautiful and should be joyful. Now Henrietta I sure do hope you haven't been feeling less than beautiful and if so I hope this conversation has put your mind at ease. I love you my sweet hen."


 Henrietta stared at me the whole time I was talking with those sparkling eyes of hers and when I had finished, she lifted her head high, shook out her silky feathers and jumped from my lap. That beautiful little hen went a pecking away around the chicken yard full of energy once again. As I stood to leave she ran over and rubbed her head against my legs as if to let me know she understood. Don't you know the very next morning when I checked Henrietta's roost there was a beautiful egg waiting for me. Henrietta Hornbuckle

was a happy hen.

Trying To Go On With Life

It seems life has come full circle for me. Once again my son has shut me out even though he says that is not what he is doing. I don't think he has ever forgiven me for not being with his dad when he died and has created a complex reality of it in his mind. Either way he has decided to create a new life that doesn't include me even though I am sure he would have no problem coming to me if he needed something. I miss my grandchildren so I will have to figure out a way to see them and I will need Rich's help for that and that is just another whole story. Sometimes I wish that I could just disappear completely. What is the since of any of this anymore, what is the purpose, why keep struggling? I am so sad right now that I just want to stop being. My heart is broken yet again, maybe if life keeps at me this way it will break for real.

Just Let The Tears Fall

My heart is surrounded by a giant teardrop made up of tears not allowed to fall
When the world is too much for me my brain wants me to shed tears to relieve the pressure that builds inside of me
But after a few tears fall, my psyche says stop, it will not help, just stop
There are still tears that needed to fall so they gather around my heart and now they have encompassed it completely
My heart is drowning in tears 

I Am A Sister

I am a sister. I am one of eleven siblings, eight girls and three boys. Of those eleven siblings there are seven of us still living. I am a sister to my brother Leman. Though he is no longer on the earth with us I am still his sister. Leman was the strength in our family, especially after my dad died. He did the stuff we could not do and his children were as close to us as we were to each other. When he died a hole was left in our universe.  I am a sister to my oldest sister Alberta who is twenty years my senior. Alberta has always been someone who I looked up to and adored. When I was young and my daddy died and my mom and my youngest sister had to move and to be near the family she was always there to help, guide, and have fun with. As I grew older and had children we weren't as close, probably because my life has always been a crazy cyclone of an existence, but the love has never waned. I am a sister to my brother Hank. I do not see my brother because he lives in the south but I will always love him. I have memories of him that will never go away even if we don't see each other. Being on the back end of a large family makes a lot of my siblings seem more like favorite aunts and uncles sometimes or at least it used to be that way. As I grow older I feel more like their sister. I am a sister to my sister Ginny. She also is no longer on this earth with us. Some of my memories of her are tinged with aggravation. She and I seemed to rub each other the wrong way which is odd with the years between us. Maybe we were alike and that is why. Still she was no less loved than my other siblings.  I am a sister to my sister Rosie. Oh what a wonderful woman Rosie is though sometimes she doesn't see it. Creative and hardworking and the most nurturing person you can find. She has been through hardships and recently lost my brother in law which made me worry a bit. Still she has raised an amazing family and it has extended with beautiful children. She is surrounded by love so I no longer worry. I am a sister to my brother Charlie. He was taken from us when he and I both were young. Him a young man and me a little girl. It was my first experience with death and it was horrible. Memories are foggy but are of a fun loving man. His death crumpled my dad, that I do remember and I am sure it sped my father's own death along. I am a sister to my sister Barb. The memories my sister Barb and I made together will always reside in my heart. We didn't see eye to eye always but always came back to a closeness that was wonderful. She is not here with us on this earth but she is always in our heart. I am a sister to my sister Sue. My sister Sue like Rosie does not always see her worth but oh what an amazing nurturing woman she is. I wish we lived closer so we could visit without it being a big event with others always there but it has never been that way and I love her anyway. I am a sister to my sister Betty. She is eight years older than me but I have always felt very close to her. She was there when I was growing into a young woman and like Barb she was my go to for those questions I felt uncomfortable asking my mom or my big sister Alberta who was almost like my mom. She can make me laugh and even if she doesn't agree with the way I conduct my life I never doubt her love for me. Last but not least I am a sister to my sister Sandy. We are the closest in age, she is a year younger than me, and all of our growing up we did together. We were toddlers together, teenagers together, and adults together. We have laughed, we have cried and we have worried about life together. We are different and the same all at once. I don't think she knows how amazing she is. She is loved.

Venting Where I Know No One Will Care

Today has been especially hard for me.  The fact that I feel like my life no longer makes sense seems to have caught up with me.  Most of the time I can hold it inside and just fill time to not think.  Last night I read and then again this morning but then my head started to hurt so I had to get back into real life.  I filled time with dishes and such and then when Rich came home there was dinner to be made. After that it was just like every other night, sitting around not knowing what to do with myself and listening to him play that stupid game and then Wheel of Fortune, blah blah blah. I let myself be sad for a bit and then I took a trip down memory lane by looking at photos, not the best way to feel better but it killed time. Also made me realize that I have lived a life, not always good, not always bad, but a life none the less. So maybe I am just done with life, who knows.

Simple Rules To Try To Navigate Life

I think we all find life a bit hard to navigate. Maybe if we went back to a simpler time it would be easier.  To not get caught up in a whirlwind of crazy we probably should pay attention to some simple logical rules or guidelines if you will that might just help. Do the best you can in whatever you do(this does not mean say it is the best you can do if your heart knows different). Do not cause harm to others(it is basically causing yourself harm so just don't do it). Keep yourself and your environment clean(this might seem silly but no living thing wants to live in filth). You might not think the last thing matters if you are already living a life surrounded by dirt and chaos but it does, you have just pushed the fact that it bothers you behind a door in your mind and trying to not care is keeping you from other things in life. Balance work and play whenever possible(too much of either will have you fighting yourself in your own mind). It would be better to not muddy your mind with alcohol or drugs, they are a powerful seducer but do not contribute to your life and well being(they really don't even when they try to convince you otherwise).  If you cannot be kind to a fellow human being avoid interaction with said human(the unkindness you show them harms you more than you know). Accept your weaknesses and move on(this is part of doing the best you can always). If you have made yourself responsible for another human being(child, partner, etc.) or a pet of some sort, do not shirk that responsibility. If you did not want it you should not have accepted it. Remember that your point of view in life is just that, your point of view. Others have their own point of view and theirs might just be as right as yours. Take care of your physical health and your mental health(things will and do go wrong with these fragile human bodies). 

Do not be mean
Do not cause harm
Do not take what is not yours
Do not make excuses that you know are false
Do not expect more from others than you do from yourself
Do not give up when you have just started
Do not use alcohol or drugs as a crutch


Do get up every day with hope
Do give yourself time to figure things out
Do laugh even if you are sad
Do cry even if you are happy
Do try to care about others
Do accept that you are only a human
Do move forward even if you fail
Do ask for help even if it isn't always forthcoming
Do believe that you are important because you are 

I Should Have Just Expected This

I took the week off to get stuff done that should have been done ten years ago.  Well that didn't happen and the reason is another story all together that I just don't want to address at this moment.  So instead of the doing what I expected I was able to use the time to do Fall and Halloween decorating which I love and hate all at the same time.  I hate the hauling out of things and the putting away of stuff to get ready.  I love when it all starts coming together because it appeals to my sense of whimsy.  Trying to get to the Christmas lights so I could have light on my graveyard was a pain in the you know what but the result was so worth it. It really does look cool.  Rich took a couple of days off so he could fix the floor in the washing machine area and that is getting done at a good pace. Amazing that the hole in the floor is finally getting fixed because the washer blew a hose and I think maybe because I was off too. You would think that this week should make me feel good but I can feel myself falling into a depressed mood as usual, I just wish I could feel optimistic or a least somewhat content for longer than a second.