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Relationship, what exactly does that mean?
A connection, co-existence, mutual survival?
If connection is lost is the relationship done?
If you still co-exist is it still a relationship?
If you are just surviving each other why do you continue?
Life is hard to figure out at the very least so why bother?
How long will I keep this up?
When your grandson gets old enough to be in an "altercation" at school it starts to get hard. The child got into it today at school and ended up with a broken hand. All I can think is he is this bony fragile child and now look. Not sure of all the facts yet but feel bad for him either way. It would be easier if grandchildren stayed little.
We all cry at times in our life, for good reasons and for bad. I try not to cry because it hurts my head and usually resolves nothing. I guess it might be a safety valve but it makes me feel like here is one more thing that I have no control over. I can't get over whatever it is that is enveloping me this year. This sense of nothingness mixed with unbelievable anger. Anger at the world for no good reason but mostly anger at myself for not being able to live life better. I honestly don't feel like I belong in this world anymore. I have tried the whole live life for others and that just seems to fuel my anger. I have tried live life for myself and that just seems lonely. I try to connect with life hoping that the real thing will kick in but it is not working. Mostly I just can't believe that either no one can see me falling apart or they, like myself can't figure out what to do,
so they just live around it hoping for things to work out. I don't know how to interact with the people around me but can't seem to go about any kind of activity when there are people around me because I feel like I should be connecting with them in some way. Since it all seems so wrong I try to sleep a lot which in it's own way is defeating. Then when I come out of sleep my brain just goes into overdrive and every decision and action that I question does a crazy dance in there like my brain is trying to get me to come up with some kind of fix for this. But what if there is no fix? How and why do I go on? So: I cried last night.
She breathes in slowly to calm herself
She breathes out with a jerk because her thoughts catch in her throat
She breathes in slowly to keep the thoughts to herself
She breathes out with a jerk for those thoughts make her choke
She breathes in slowly to give herself time to think
She breathes out with a jerk because thinking brings no relief
She breathes in slowly trying to find a way
She breathes out with a jerk knowing the problems are here to stay
She breathes in slowly because that is what she can do
She breathes out with a jerk because her life is not yet through
Yesterday was my first day back after six days off. You would think that I would have been well rested and raring to go. Well I wasn't well rested because I did yard work the day before. I also did a ten hour day which I will be doing again today so I got kind of tired. But I think the real issue is that I just don't enjoy the work like I used to. I need to work like everyone else does so I just have to get my head around the idea that it is a job and not a recreation. Still I think it is like everything else in my life there is just something missing. Here's hoping that the day goes by quickly and that my feet hold out. Oh I forgot to mention that I have to go in early tomorrow because my man has to work and he is my only way to get to work; don't start til nine but will be there at six thirty. Oh joy!
Playing frisbee with the grandkids tires me out a lot easier these days. Of course it doesn't help that they can't seem to get it to me as easily as I can get it to them. Some times I can run for it but my knees don't like it. I definitely cannot jump for it, I never could jump easily, which was probably a sign that my knees would be bad as I got older. Then we did some kite flying which was very fun but the whole looking up thing is never good for my neck. When I tried to get the kite up again I had just run out of steam so the little run necessary to launch it was too much for me. Just got to love getting older. So today is the day after fun and this old grandma's body and head are not happy. Such is life.
When you have been taking care of someone for a long time because you felt like it was necessary and they never show any appreciation it is draining. I wish I was the type of person to say well go ahead then, you are on your own. Still when you feel that said person is not being realistic and there is a younger person involved what should you do. I know I have gone about this all wrong but it is the only way I knew so I can't beat myself up about it. And yet, I am so over it.
