Too much time in dunkin donuts

In the corner of the doughnut shop she sits, just as she does several times a week. She doesn't come for the doughnuts but for the coffee. Lately bagels have joined her morning routine; usually cinnamon raisin and an occasional onion. When she walks into the shop; she is recognized and upon emerging from the restroom her coffee is either made or in the process. There is a comfort in being a regular and having her wants anticipated. Yet it is also a discomfort. She is a creature of habit but also of whim. When the coffee is already being made she feels locked into a previous choice. Not wanting to be discourteous, she smiles and accepts what has been prepared for her, though that might not have been her choice for the day. It is a small price to pay for the comfort of the corner in the doughnut shop; where life's aggravations are held at bay temporarily.

So she sits and sips her coffee, that which at one time she avowed was not very good. The coffee has become a symbol of doing for herself. It is a luxury she can ill-afford. A luxury which is probably not the best for her health. A luxury that she will continue in spite of purse and health. It is a self-indulgence she will not give up.

When you see her in her corner at the doughnut shop, smile for she is in a comfort zone. A place to just be for a moment or two. A place where she is just herself with no entanglements. Smile and leave her to herself; for soon the moment will be gone and she will push open the door to leave and return to the real world.

internet game addiction

Well I guess I am addicted to playing these silly online games. I went to sign into Facebook so I could play my Farmville and Facebook is temporarily down. I am so worried about my crops withering that I tried to get to the game in a different way. No go. So seriously it isn't like they are real crops or that it is real money for crying out loud. Still, I probably will stay up a little later than I would of so I can check back and maybe save my harvest. Pitiful isn't it?

On another note I just watched the movie Julie and Julia. It was pretty good. Meryl Streep played a great Julia Child. I actually thought the best part of the movie was the way the relationship between Julia and her husband was portrayed. I remember watching Julia Child and she was not an attractive woman so if the portrayal was somewhat correct it is a beautiful thing.

I didn't get much done today because of a horrific headache this morning. I am pretty sure allergies are the culprit but I am not sure. Still if allergies are the price for nice weather I am willing to pay the price. I took the Easter decorations down and moved a few outdoor things around but that was about it for the day. I did however finish all of the laundry. So I believe I can go to bed feeling somewhat accomplished.

Why do we always have to feel like we accomplished something in our day? I am pretty sure we didn't feel that way as children. We just kept on moving and doing until we fell asleep pretty much wherever we landed. We didn't plan or over think the day. We just lived. Oh to be able to do that now. What a pleasure.

What is going on inside my head?

I am writing this just to clarify things inside my head. That is a difficult thing these days. I have been having a lot of trouble just dealing with life lately. I seem to want to sleep or just not move at all. The things I used to do to distract myself when I got anxious or irritated don't have the power they used to. This is maybe a sign that I need to meet things head on but I know I won't do that. It is not in my makeup. I have always been over the top with my emotions but I have always been able to reign them in eventually. Of course when my life was a bit more basic, what with young kids and all I was probably too busy to let this weirdness take hold. I know I probably could be busy with the grandchildren but I can't seem to get the energy that is required for that. There is a sense of disconnection that is ever growing. It is like when you walk through a spider-web and it sticks to you no matter how much you try to brush it away. It is like a creeping fungus that persists on taking over no matter what methods you use to rid yourself of it. It is very hard to describe this sense of disconnection. Have you ever just had enough of these grownup problems so you try to lose yourself in childhood or maybe just youthful memories? Those times that seemed so fun and effortless? When I remember events from my past that used to bring a smile to my face or even a nostalgic tear, it feels like I am remembering someone else's life or maybe scenes from a book I have read. There is no real connection. It is very scary. It is almost like waking from amnesia with memories but your emotions cannot connect to those memories. I keep telling myself , snap out of it Jackie but it isn't working so far. Now I am not writing this to worry anyone, just to put it in print so it isn't just another thought rolling around in my head trying to control me. I will work it all out I am sure. I always seem to manage. Sleep is a bit of a problem. I either do too much of it or it eludes me. I can sleep solid for a couple of hours, wake and then it takes a long time to go back to sleep. The thoughts just won't shut up inside my head no matter what tricks I use. Then lo and behold I must fall asleep because I find myself waking from some strange dream. On the days I don't have to work I can sleep for way too long. The strange dreams call to me, they seem so much more real than life. Odd isn't it. Well enough of this venting on paper. Maybe some of these thoughts will leave me alone for awhile.

collage of tanya made on smilebox

Make a Smilebox free collage

I am a random person and would like to connect to like random people

I would like to start a club of randomness. You know those random thoughts that pop into your head making you think you must be weird. I believe we all have them but a large percentage of us dismiss them like so many dust motes. My belief is that the random thoughts we have are important. They are like mini webs that connect the more solid thoughts in our minds. Besides sometimes a random thought can become a great big solid thought that then can become maybe an action that may cause a major ripple in the time warp continuum. See; a random thought just made it's way out of my mind and into print. Who knows what this might cause; what effect it may have on someone or something. Probably absolutely nothing but there is that tiny chance. Just think. No really just think, without thinking what are we but flesh consuming space better spent. Alright enough randomness for now because my potatoes are burning and that is just a terrible thing. Please enjoy my randomness and feel free to comment with some of your own.

The unmanageable thing called my brain.

This morning as I was getting out of the shower and admiring my short hair. Yes I know that sounds weird but for this millisecond I actually like my hair. Well anyhow I was thinking that I like the cut and I noticed a gray spot I must have missed when I last colored it. I then got to thinking maybe I should just go gray, I mean look how great Jamie Lee Curtis looks with her hair gray. Only the thing was I couldn't for the life of me think of her name. I rolled her image around in my brain, checked the alphabet for clues but couldn't come up with anything but Carrie Fisher. Now I knew it wasn't Carrie Fisher but once that name popped in my head it just wouldn't go away. So as I toweled, combed, and dressed, I was in mental agony trying to retrieve a piece of information that I knew was in my head but was remaining elusive. By the time I was ready to leave the bathroom I had come up with Jamie but that Fisher would not go away. So since then I have been doing other stuff thinking that when I got a chance I would google the movies I knew she was in to actually get her correct name. Lo and behold just as I was getting ready to do just that a few moments ago her name popped right into my head. Go figure.

Parenting and how I suck at it.

So, I have always stated that I am a bad parent just trying the best she could. I haven't changed my mind about that. When my children were young I probably spent way too much time on nurturing and not enough time on teaching consequences. That was most likely because the consequences would cause them pain which in turn caused me pain. So in my selfishness I avoided that pain by smoothing the way for them as much as I could get away with it. Thus they never really learned to handle loss, disappointment, and the hard way of getting what they need and want. Now that they are grown any pain they are caused still causes me pain. To handle this I just avoid dealing with them or try to smooth the way when I can. When will I learn and let them grow and be themselves and take care of themselves? Now my daughter might read this and say hey wait a minute I have always had to take care of myself. This is true but that is also because I avoided the pain she suffered many times when maybe I should have been smoothing the way a tad. I know it has made her a stronger person but I fear some scars might have been created that will never go away. I still sometimes get the urge to say don't do that, be like this, oh my please think. But for heavens sake she is a grown woman, I should just let her be and enjoy her company. My worries for her are probably based again on my own selfish wish for a cookie cutter life that doesn't exist. Now my boys, they are another story. I have selfishly strangled their ability to grow out of my need to be needed. Sure I say I want them to be able to totally self-sufficient but really where would I be then? How would I define myself? I would be even more lost then I already am. Don't get me wrong; if they can work their lives out and be happy, healthy, and somewhat content I would be very happy. Maybe the problem is that I have never been able to do that myself and the thought of them being lost like I am is a torment for me. Still I must learn to just back off and let them do what they must and hold in my fears and sadness. Still, a part of me just wants to gather my clan together in a tight circle and remind them and myself that we are a family and that is all that matters. I have a sad today.