Parenting and how I suck at it.

So, I have always stated that I am a bad parent just trying the best she could. I haven't changed my mind about that. When my children were young I probably spent way too much time on nurturing and not enough time on teaching consequences. That was most likely because the consequences would cause them pain which in turn caused me pain. So in my selfishness I avoided that pain by smoothing the way for them as much as I could get away with it. Thus they never really learned to handle loss, disappointment, and the hard way of getting what they need and want. Now that they are grown any pain they are caused still causes me pain. To handle this I just avoid dealing with them or try to smooth the way when I can. When will I learn and let them grow and be themselves and take care of themselves? Now my daughter might read this and say hey wait a minute I have always had to take care of myself. This is true but that is also because I avoided the pain she suffered many times when maybe I should have been smoothing the way a tad. I know it has made her a stronger person but I fear some scars might have been created that will never go away. I still sometimes get the urge to say don't do that, be like this, oh my please think. But for heavens sake she is a grown woman, I should just let her be and enjoy her company. My worries for her are probably based again on my own selfish wish for a cookie cutter life that doesn't exist. Now my boys, they are another story. I have selfishly strangled their ability to grow out of my need to be needed. Sure I say I want them to be able to totally self-sufficient but really where would I be then? How would I define myself? I would be even more lost then I already am. Don't get me wrong; if they can work their lives out and be happy, healthy, and somewhat content I would be very happy. Maybe the problem is that I have never been able to do that myself and the thought of them being lost like I am is a torment for me. Still I must learn to just back off and let them do what they must and hold in my fears and sadness. Still, a part of me just wants to gather my clan together in a tight circle and remind them and myself that we are a family and that is all that matters. I have a sad today.