Today Is Not A Good Day

Today is not a good day
Not that today is different than any other day
Every day I struggle to find a way to be in this life
Every day I wish for a feeling of purpose and satisfaction
Some days I can make it through better than others
Today is not a good day
Today I am feeling alone, sad and guilty for feeling this way
Today I wish I could stop feeling this way
No day is really a good day anymore
No day brings a sparkle to my soul
Some days I can deal with the sense of limbo
Today is not one of those days

Feelings Best Left Unsaid

She wakes to yet another day with a sense of dread and sadness
When did these feelings start to dominate her world
Once more she goes through the motions of the day, much like the day before
However the motions have started to be spaced with periods of nothingness
Just sitting not wanting to move or start the next useless activity to fill a day
This is a terrible way to feel, to act, to live, this she knows
She is not quite herself but can't seem to figure out what herself should be
There is anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment and self hatred
There are tears and pain and hopelessness fighting to get loose
She knows she should not feel or act the way that she does, which makes it worse
Just stop her mind screams, get up, do the stuff that has to be done
Just stop her mind screams, do something to distract yourself
Just stop her mind screams do not let your emotions take hold and control you
She feels like she should be quiet and invisible so no one will know
She feels like she should be quiet and invisible so not to cause pain
She does not stay quiet though she mostly feels invisible
She does not stay quiet and most likely causes others pain
She wishes it was not this way
She is very tired of it all

Allowing Yourself Moments of Sad

When life doesn't turn out the way you expected you adjust in whatever way is good for you. I never expected to have a family that seems so disconnected from each other. I know even family doesn't always see eye to eye but I guess I always thought the fact that we were family would glue us all together. I believe I always wanted the type of family life where we all loved each other and wanted to be around each other. Well it hasn't really worked out that way so I just keep telling myself that it is just the way it is. It makes for a bit of withdrawal for protection and then all of a sudden the emotions will overtake all of the rationalizations that your brain has set in place and you become a puddle of sad. The key is to let yourself become that puddle for a bit and then pull it all back together for a bit more.

As You Grow Older You Bring All Of Your Youthful Selves Along

A few days ago I was out shopping with my grandchildren and I got a jolt. As I was checking out the cashier asked for my email. As I gave it to her I could feel my ten year old granddaughter looking at me. She asked me what I had said my email was and when I told her she said that it sounded stupid. Needless to say I was taken aback. My email is a bit whimsical as I would like to think I am. She said it sounded like something a teenager would use. Now I am a sixty year old woman so I guess maybe to her using a whimsical email is a silly thing. Though I thought she knew me better than that. I tried to explain to her that even though I was older my younger selves still resided within me. The girl who climbed trees, who made tents over the clothesline, and who pretended that barn swallows were dive bombers trying to get her. The girl that played all kinds of tag games, who made leaf beds to lie on in the fall, and who could lie in the grass looking for four leaf clovers forever. How many children and grandchildren look upon the adults in their lives and not realize that those adults are made up of many younger selves? Does our age require we lose those bits of ourselves we carry from previous years? Am I too old to love dragons and fantasy and just about any whimsical thing in life? Am I too old to let music give me wings with which to fly? Too old to want to explore the dark woods or splash in waters along a beach? Am I too old to be silly once in awhile? Maybe in the eyes of youth I may seem too old for this but what they don't realize is that the youth they are living right now doesn't end, it just moves forward with them as more layers of living are added. So when you look at your aging parent remember that the person who danced and partied and maybe raised hell is still there right along side of the person who sits and watches television quietly or seems to be too tired for life sometimes. When you look upon your aged grandparent remember that right along side of the person who you think couldn't possibly understand how life is for you is a youngster who probably thought the same thing once. Without the layers of ourselves coming along for the ride aging would just be a physical hardship impossible to handle. Some days we need to remind ourselves of what we could and did do just to get through a day and old memories of joy and laughter sometimes help spark the urge to create new memories of joy and laughter. I will not give up my inner child for without it I am less than whole.

Dreams In Her Head

She woke up this morning with dreams still in her head

She thought to herself,  if I dream all night why bother going to bed

Why must my mind  show these stories to me all night long

Why can't I just sleep with no thoughts, would that be wrong

Sometimes the dreams that she has cause her anxiety and stress

She thought the purpose of sleep was to make the hardness of life a little bit less

What are these dreams trying to get her to see or make her feel

Sometimes the dreams unlike her life seem almost too real

It is a good thing the dreams fade faster than most memories do

If not her mind would become cluttered with old and with new

She wouldn't know which were memories or dreams


Her life would feel less real than it already seems

Winter Sunshine

I am not a fan of the winter. I don't like cold and I don't prefer snow over green grass. There seems to be an inordinate amount of cloudy days which perpetuates this sense of gloom surrounding me. Then bam along comes a very sunny day. Sometimes these sunny days are very frigid making you wonder where the warmth from the sun is hiding; your mind thinking how can it be so very cold with all of that sunshine. Other times the winter sun is accompanied by milder temperatures, not exactly warm but tolerable if you would like to venture outside. Today is one of those days so I am contemplating leaving my cave(my house) for at least a few minutes. Go outside and soak up a few minutes of sunshine, maybe fill some bird feeders before I return to my winter hibernation.

The Uncomfortable Feeling Surrounding Growing Older

Of course nobody likes to grow old, inevitable as it is. Who wouldn't want to stay in the prime of life until the world decides it is done with you. Dying isn't really the problem though it is scary to not know what happens after if anything. It boils down to the need to be in control of ones own destiny, so not knowing exactly what happens when you die makes you feel some anxiety. Even for a person like myself who doesn't really believe in God there is a small belief that there is something after. It feels illogical to think that you, the essence of you, just stops. But who knows for sure. It is probably best to let tomorrow per say take care of itself and concentrate on to day, in other words life as it is. Back to the fact that nobody likes to grow old. The human body is a messy thing, full of noises, odors and various yucky discharges all happening when you are healthy and youthful. As a younger version of yourself you can usually keep all of these various external parts of being human under control to minimize embarrassment; granted these things never embarrass some of the human population. If you are a bit sensitive about being human and all of the things that make up your functioning body, getting older might be a little stressful. You might become a bit gassier than you are used to and unable to control when and where that gas escapes, lord that is embarrassing. Your body might have odors that is didn't have before even with vigilante showering and other hygiene, darn is that me I smell? And by all means be careful of excessive laughter, sneezes, etc.; just makes a person want to never drink anything. They can flaunt bladder control products all they want, does not make it any easier on the psyche. All of these worries as you get older makes things difficult, worrying that you are clean, well groomed, and actually got your clothes on correctly. Sometimes you feel like it would be easier to grow old away from the world like a hermit or something. Where if you didn't keep up the proper hygiene you would not offend anyone and as you start to turn into a wrinkled caricature of yourself the only way you would know is in a reflection of a mirror, totally avoidable. Oh not to see the fact you are getting older in the eyes of another, what a blessing that would be, and even bigger blessing would be to not have these flesh bags we call bodies deteriorate with time so that when our spirits are ready to leave this world we could do it with some dignity.

Yet Another Day In This Never Ending Spiral Down Into Nothingness

Once again I had to force myself to get up. I woke up around eight and got a bowl of cereal, climbed back into bed to finish a story I was reading last night. Got a cup of tea to finish the story with and then curled up in bed with the intention to stay there for awhile. It just seems crazy to rush to start a day that will as usual make me feel like it really doesn't matter what I do or don't do. I guess it is lucky that my body just won't let me wallow in that bed, it is always saying to me that this laying down isn't comfortable, just get up. I also have been having dreams that make me uncomfortable so when I do try to linger in bed the thought is in my mind that I will return to said dreams so my brain insists that I get up. The problem is that when I do get up I feel just so exhausted with life. I have showered, started some laundry, eaten once again. Though seriously I wish I could stop with the eating, I have never been this heavy in my life. The bed is made, I perused Facebook as usual though seriously not sure why. Checked the bank balance, definitely not a way to make myself feel better. Peeked at Pinterest, once again not sure why, what magic am I looking for? The laundry is calling to be put in the dryer and a huge pile of dishes is waiting to be taken care of. All items to tick of the hours of the day until it is time to sleep, wake, and do it again. If I believed in God I would ask him to just grant me the ability to feel joy in things, not this every growing sense of dissatisfaction that is eating at my brain and making me into a person that even I don't want to be with.

Trying to Figure Out How to Live My Life At This Stage

Every day seems to be a struggle for me. I feel at such loose ends being retired and lonely. I have never been a friend sort of person and since I don't drive it is hard to get anywhere so I am alone. Yes I have a significant other but am beginning to wonder exactly how significant we are to each other. He seems to either not understand how I feel or is just hoping it all goes away. This makes me both sad and angry. I try to get him to tell me his thoughts but that doesn't happen. I am not saying he doesn't want me to be happy but it seems like he is fine with the state of our relationship. When you are feeling like life is a hot mess and no one seems to notice it is very lonely. At least when I was working I had some sort of purpose. Now I feel like a small blip on the radar screen of life that goes unnoticed while it is there so is not noticed if it is gone.

Being Terrorized by a Rodent

On New Years Eve a mouse decided to make itself known to everyone in the house. Needless to say a large part of the evening was devoted to said mouse with what to do varying from kill the little sucker to catch and release. All to no avail because he is one smart mouse. Won't go in the trap and moves too fast for catching. Now there has always been a problem with mice in here resulting in clean ups and the buying of poison(which said mouse also ignores) to traps that have worked on one but not this wily little pain in my you know what. Mr. mouse last made himself known on New Years morning and then no sightings until last evening after a long day of taking down the Christmas decorations and then he disappeared again. That is until this morning when he joined me at the kitchen counter where I was just going to start the dishes. As you can imagine there was a lot of screaming on my part which made him run fast and go into the stove. Yes I said go into the stove! I promptly turned on the broiler in hopes of mouse murder(no I am not ashamed of myself). I went and sat in a chair to tell everyone on facebook about my ordeal and the little sucker ran across the room at my feet and into one of the spare rooms which is so full of stuff that he can hide forever. After another bout of screaming I climbed up on the kitchen chair to finish telling the world about my ordeal. Mr. mouse had better leave town because I am now getting spring traps and praying we catch it and all further mice make themselves scarce or at least invisible. I have terrible visions of sleeping and a mouse crawling right into bed with us. I am writing this sitting warily on the couch with my boots on because it makes me less afraid than my stocking feet. Anyhow, there it is the great saga of rodent terrorism. Here is a picture of Mr. mouse I painted after New Years to deal with my fear of him.