This Just Isn't Getting Better

I feel like a weight is just pushing down on me. I know that feeling the way I do is all on me but knowing does not help. I don't feel like anything matters. Get up in the morning okay but if I didn't so what. Get dressed okay but why. Clean the house okay but who cares. Do something to pass the time and yet time keeps right on coming. Feeling this way is just so stupid. The sun comes up every day and the world keeps on spinning but mostly it feels like a life that I am on the fringe of. There is no energy within myself to focus for any length of time. My brain feels like there is a way to live and I must keep on moving but my heart has grown weary and unable to experience life as it should be experienced. I cannot seem to give of myself anymore. I seem to have decided on a path of letting the world come to me if it chooses and if it doesn't than my feelings of being unwanted have always been correct. It seems that you are wanted if you can provide something to others and honestly others are wanted if they can provide something to you. I am just so confused about how I feel that I am trying not to feel but feeling is like breathing, don't do it and you die. This malaise that has settled upon my being brings back thoughts of my past self and the possible realization that there is fundamental problem with my ability to function in the real world. I am so tired.

The Rest of My Life

I haven't been retired for even two full months and I am going stir crazy. I was so sick of working at the same job for almost thirty years and I thought I would love being home and doing things when I wanted. I do love being able to craft and do household chores without pressure but I get so bored. This is probably because not being a driving person I am stuck here unless I ask to go do something. We have done some fun stuff this summer but it just isn't enough. I am beginning to feel like I could just sleep all day and who would know, who would care. I am so bored with even doing the stuff I like to do because it really doesn't matter at all. And what a weird feeling to realize that you did a job for so long and you not being there doesn't matter either. All of this creates a sense of being so alone and I am not even alone. I have Rich but we really are so different that I still feel alone even with him. I have the kids but things have gotten so crazy that I feel like I failed as their mom. Right now I really just hate myself so much. 

Dear Children

Dear children of mine,

As I sit here wasting time so the day does not stretch so long in front of me I wonder if you think of me. Since I have retired, only a month and a half now, I really haven't known what to do with myself. I guess I though maybe there would be more time spent as a family but this family has become so dis-functional or maybe just more dis-functional that this did not happen. Sometimes I feel so very alone and purposeless. I do not lay this upon you because you are all grown with lives of your own which means that purpose in my life is over. Still sometimes it feels like I am adrift with out the anchors of you. Maybe I had children too early in life, before I could figure out who I was so now that I am unfettered by your needs, don't ever believe that for a moment, I am lost. I am not even alone in this world for I am in a relationship but since that relationship started later in life it does not fulfill my need for a purpose. With or without me my partner would survive, I don't feel needed which should be a good thing for isn't it better to be wanted than needed. Still most days I feel like if I all of a sudden disappeared it would be a tiny blip on the lives around me quickly forgotten.