She Cries

She cries though she tries not to
She cries because she is lonely
She cries because the day is long
She cries because it is all the same
She cries though she tries not to

Alone

She sits alone in the dark, hunched and small. She sits alone in the dark full of fear and pain. She sits alone in the dark wondering how all of this came to be. She sits alone in the dark wishing it all would end. She sits alone in the dark without even a friend. She sits alone in the dark not noticing a single spark of light. Why does she sit alone in the dark? Why does she not turn on a light? Why does she not fight the fear, find help for the pain? Why does she keep herself from making friends? She sits alone in the dark, hunched and small.

This Just Isn't Getting Better

I feel like a weight is just pushing down on me. I know that feeling the way I do is all on me but knowing does not help. I don't feel like anything matters. Get up in the morning okay but if I didn't so what. Get dressed okay but why. Clean the house okay but who cares. Do something to pass the time and yet time keeps right on coming. Feeling this way is just so stupid. The sun comes up every day and the world keeps on spinning but mostly it feels like a life that I am on the fringe of. There is no energy within myself to focus for any length of time. My brain feels like there is a way to live and I must keep on moving but my heart has grown weary and unable to experience life as it should be experienced. I cannot seem to give of myself anymore. I seem to have decided on a path of letting the world come to me if it chooses and if it doesn't than my feelings of being unwanted have always been correct. It seems that you are wanted if you can provide something to others and honestly others are wanted if they can provide something to you. I am just so confused about how I feel that I am trying not to feel but feeling is like breathing, don't do it and you die. This malaise that has settled upon my being brings back thoughts of my past self and the possible realization that there is fundamental problem with my ability to function in the real world. I am so tired.

The Rest of My Life

I haven't been retired for even two full months and I am going stir crazy. I was so sick of working at the same job for almost thirty years and I thought I would love being home and doing things when I wanted. I do love being able to craft and do household chores without pressure but I get so bored. This is probably because not being a driving person I am stuck here unless I ask to go do something. We have done some fun stuff this summer but it just isn't enough. I am beginning to feel like I could just sleep all day and who would know, who would care. I am so bored with even doing the stuff I like to do because it really doesn't matter at all. And what a weird feeling to realize that you did a job for so long and you not being there doesn't matter either. All of this creates a sense of being so alone and I am not even alone. I have Rich but we really are so different that I still feel alone even with him. I have the kids but things have gotten so crazy that I feel like I failed as their mom. Right now I really just hate myself so much. 

Dear Children

Dear children of mine,

As I sit here wasting time so the day does not stretch so long in front of me I wonder if you think of me. Since I have retired, only a month and a half now, I really haven't known what to do with myself. I guess I though maybe there would be more time spent as a family but this family has become so dis-functional or maybe just more dis-functional that this did not happen. Sometimes I feel so very alone and purposeless. I do not lay this upon you because you are all grown with lives of your own which means that purpose in my life is over. Still sometimes it feels like I am adrift with out the anchors of you. Maybe I had children too early in life, before I could figure out who I was so now that I am unfettered by your needs, don't ever believe that for a moment, I am lost. I am not even alone in this world for I am in a relationship but since that relationship started later in life it does not fulfill my need for a purpose. With or without me my partner would survive, I don't feel needed which should be a good thing for isn't it better to be wanted than needed. Still most days I feel like if I all of a sudden disappeared it would be a tiny blip on the lives around me quickly forgotten.

How Henrietta Hornbuckle Learned to Love Herself

Henrietta Hornbuckle was a happy hen. Why would a hen have a name like Henrietta Hornbuckle you ask? Well Hornbuckle is the family name and I would thank you if you didn't laugh at that. My name is Jessica Hornbuckle and I am here to tell you Henrietta's story because I don't think you would understand if Henrietta told you; you being human and all.

 Now where was I? Oh yes, when I was a little girl my father brought home a box of chicks for the family to raise for eggs and to maybe eat. You can imagine how I felt about the eating part, shudder. Well there were a lot of chicks but this one chick just caught my eye and I decided that I loved it. My dad being the softie that he was told me that I could have this one to raise for my own; if it turned out to be a hen I could gather the eggs for the family and if it was a rooster it could watch out for all of the other chickens.

 My little chick grew rapidly and before long it was obvious that she was a hen so I named her Henrietta. Now Henrietta seemed happy pecking around the chicken yard and roosting in her hen house but sometimes it is hard to tell with chickens. As she got old enough to be laying eggs my dad told me to keep an eye out and check everyday to see if there was one in her roost. I checked everyday but not an egg was to be found. I loved Henrietta; she was such a pretty little hen, all white and silky with her sparkling eyes. When I would come into the chicken yard she would run right up to me and rub her head against my legs. Sometimes I would sit down on a stump in the yard and she would jump onto my lap and listen while I told her about my day. No really, she actually seemed to be listening and sometimes she would cluck at me like she was trying to tell me something.

 The days went by and still no eggs from Henrietta and she didn't seem as happy anymore. Lately when I came into the chicken yard she didn't come running but just stood by the wire fence looking into the neighbor's yard. Now our neighbor was a fine friendly lady who just happened to keep peacocks for pets. What crazy beautiful creatures they were with their loud voices and pretty feathers. Well Henrietta just seemed to be obsessed with these creatures, she could see them in their pens from the chicken yard and would stand and stare at them for the longest time. For some reason I felt that the peacocks made her feel bad about being a chicken. Didn't my beautiful white silky feathered Henrietta know how beautiful she was?

 If things went on they way they were, I worried that Henrietta would get sadder and never be happy enough to lay any eggs. I worried that if she didn't lay eggs my dad would start thinking of her as supper. There was no way I was going to eat my friend!

 The next time I went into the chicken yard I walked right over to Henrietta and scooped her up onto my lap and told her we were going to have a chat. I said," Henrietta my sweet hen I have to tell you a crazy story. I was visiting our neighbor Mrs. Pennybone, yes we do have interesting names around here don't we? Anyhow Mrs Pennybone was telling me how her beautiful peacocks had been acting sort of sad lately and she had been trying to figure out why. She said the answer came to her the other day when she noticed you standing next to the fence watching her peacocks. You see they have been watching you too and wishing that they could be as beautiful as you are. Now Mrs Pennybone had a nice chat with those peacocks of hers and let them know that as beautiful as you are they also are beautiful. That all living things are no more and no less beautiful than another, that we are all beautiful and should be joyful. Now Henrietta I sure do hope you haven't been feeling less than beautiful and if so I hope this conversation has put your mind at ease. I love you my sweet hen."


 Henrietta stared at me the whole time I was talking with those sparkling eyes of hers and when I had finished, she lifted her head high, shook out her silky feathers and jumped from my lap. That beautiful little hen went a pecking away around the chicken yard full of energy once again. As I stood to leave she ran over and rubbed her head against my legs as if to let me know she understood. Don't you know the very next morning when I checked Henrietta's roost there was a beautiful egg waiting for me. Henrietta Hornbuckle

was a happy hen.

Trying To Go On With Life

It seems life has come full circle for me. Once again my son has shut me out even though he says that is not what he is doing. I don't think he has ever forgiven me for not being with his dad when he died and has created a complex reality of it in his mind. Either way he has decided to create a new life that doesn't include me even though I am sure he would have no problem coming to me if he needed something. I miss my grandchildren so I will have to figure out a way to see them and I will need Rich's help for that and that is just another whole story. Sometimes I wish that I could just disappear completely. What is the since of any of this anymore, what is the purpose, why keep struggling? I am so sad right now that I just want to stop being. My heart is broken yet again, maybe if life keeps at me this way it will break for real.

Just Let The Tears Fall

My heart is surrounded by a giant teardrop made up of tears not allowed to fall
When the world is too much for me my brain wants me to shed tears to relieve the pressure that builds inside of me
But after a few tears fall, my psyche says stop, it will not help, just stop
There are still tears that needed to fall so they gather around my heart and now they have encompassed it completely
My heart is drowning in tears