She Was Born Broken

She was born broken yet no one ever guessed.  She was an average baby, maybe a little small but nothing extraordinary going on there.  Growing up in a large family nothing popped to show that maybe she saw things different than the rest of the world. Heck she didn't even realize that she was broken for the longest time. Her first indication that she might be different might have been when her brother died in a car accident. She was only ten after all and it all  happened so fast and then her daddy died shortly after.  All of this sent her life into a spin that she had no control over and the fear began to set in.  The what ifs and what would she do thoughts. Her family was uprooted to a new place to be near other family for support and yet she was continuously afraid.  What if there was a fire what would she do? You see mommy was in a wheel chair and her little sister was her everything so she couldn't lose them right? She had to go to a new school on a different bus than her sister for the first year and that was just so weird and unacceptable. She was scared! It was just them in the country house during the week when her big sister wasn't there and what if there was a fire? She played scenes in her head to come up with solutions but she was ten! She cried a lot because she didn't know how to tell people what was going on inside her head. She kept a lot of things from people because she never knew how to make them feel what she felt. Well folks of course she got through this part of her life but it set a precedence, a system of living and surviving and being scared without really being able to understand why or tell anyone.  After all she really didn't want to be a bother.  As she grew into adolescence her life experiences were probably right up there with every one else's. Friends were a hard thing but she managed a bit, still there was always this feeling of being the tag along the outsider. She was a bit loud and a bit flamboyant maybe to cover the fear that was always lurking in the shadows. The fear that no one really wanted to be with her or hear her.  She read a lot of books as she grew up and into young adulthood because reality didn't quite give her what she needed. The need to be part of something was so strong that she made some choices that probably weren't the best.  Choices that directed her life into what it would become. Now there were choices she could have made that would probably have been worse; yet as she looks back she realizes that the need to be wanted by someone controlled pretty much her every move. Where this need came from is baffling because this girl's family loved her let there be now doubt about that. This is where the,

she was born broken comes in, this constant need for more, more feeling, more recognition, more stimulation running along side constant fear and need for control. As the woman she is now looks back over the many years that have gone by, remembering and reading things that she has written; she realizes or maybe just self-diagnoses the fact that: She was born broken yet no one ever guessed. 

I Am Tired Of Being Me

Here I am again complaining about being me. This time I am complaining because I realize how hard it must be to be around me when I am like this, so I am requesting to no longer be me.  I feel so unhappy and cranky all of the time and I know that the vibe is just radiating off of me and coloring other people's environments.  I just do not know what to do.  Just be happy you say? Well that is easy to say but not easy to do.  I can decide I am no longer going to look at life like it is a horrible survival experience but the feelings are inside of me are warring with the decision, showing me that I am just lying to myself.  I couldn't even begin to say what would make me happy because just about everything is just too much to bear.  Go to work, come home blah blah blah. I really just want to no longer be me, I just no longer want to be.

Disconnect: Now I Get It

Got a call the other day from the school regarding my grandson. During the conversation she commented on how a teacher sensed that he was disconnected and I asked what she meant. She explained that he seemed unable to focus which I thought didn't quite fit the word disconnect. When I was young it was you had your head in the clouds or you were off in your own little world. Now as an adult when I can't seem to enjoy anything that I do or see for longer than two seconds I kind of understand the word disconnect. I have somehow become disconnected to the world around me and I interpret it as being bored. It all seems pointless somehow and the intelligent part of my brain realizes that this is not really true. So you keep doing the things you are used to doing but are not connected. As for my grandson I am pretty sure he is off in his own little world most of the time and the trick will be getting him to engage in the one he lives in. With all of the electronic stimuli that we are assaulted with these days is it any wonder that class room work is just so not interesting?

Live Your Own Lives and Let Me Live Mine

She is the go between and she is tired. She has a hard enough time managing her own life without being put in the middle of other's. How did things end up this way and when will it change? There doesn't seem to be an end to it in sight and she is tired.

A Hole In A Heart And An Emptiness In A Mind

There were tears in her eyes on the day she died
Tears unshed blinding her eyes
Why were there tears you might ask
These tears were for many things she left unsaid
She had no way to express how life made her feel
Things just pressed on her from within and without
There was no helping her with the thoughts in her head
There was no helping her and now she is dead

Taking a Trip Without a Plan, Who's Idea Was That

I wanted to do something special for my birthday which happens to be Rich's birthday also.  My granddaughter got married the day before and the actual day of the birthday we really didn't do anything special.  On Monday we got into the rental car and headed East.  You see I wanted to see the ocean. The goal was Maine but we decided to go to Salem, Mass. first.  I thought this shouldn't be so hard, after all the directions said it was like five or six hours away.  Not being the driver I didn't think about what driving that long would be like. Being the passenger and sitting for that long was not so ducky though.  We did stop several times so that was good.  The worse part was not having an actual road map and relying on wi-fi when we could get it and writing down the directions. You see neither one of us has a smart phone. We made it to Salem around four in the afternoon, yes we did not really start out early enough.  Walked around Salem but didn't do any of the attractions because of time and money. It was kind of cheesy actually. The walk on the pier was nice though. Got back in the car to head to Maine and of course kind of got turned around; stopped in McDonald's to eat and use the wi-fi, boy did I not expect to be eating so much McDonald's on this trip. Got back on the highway in the right direction and headed to Old Orchard Beach, Maine.  Traffic was high and talk about tolls. Trying to take pictures in a fast moving vehicle doesn't really work so I just took in the scenery which was trees and rocks. Note to self take time so you can take a more scenic route.  As it started to get later of course the clouds rolled in and it started to rain which is not good on a high speed highway in an unfamiliar place.  We exited the highway just before our destination to stay at a Ramada Inn.  It was a nice room and they had free wifi, tv and breakfast. Sleeping in a hotel is not easy for me so it was a long night. Spent part of the morning get directions off the wi-fi for the rest of the trip. Ate breakfast which was quite nice and then took off for Old Orchard Beach; of course we got turned around again but quickly found our way.  Drove down the strip to where all of the hotels were and the amusement park but it was really overwhelming and so we backtrack a bit to pine something or other. Parked the car and found beach access, walked through the beach grass to the biggest beach I have ever been on. The wind was so very strong and the sun sparkled off the sand until the clouds found it.  The ocean rolled onto the beach in greeting as we found our way across the expanse of sand to poke our toes into the frigid water.  It was wonderful!  The sand was so firm and hard from the waves but if you stood still near the water the sand started to soften and suck your feet it.  Rich was loving it.  Of course I was on the look out for stuff, shells, driftwood whatever. Tried to take pictures but it was so bright that using a kindle didn't work out so well for me, wish I had gotten my camera back from Eric but oh well. Seriously I should have just enjoy the moment. We didn't stay long on the beach because in the back of my mind was the drive home and since I wasn't the driver it didn't feel right to spend too much time and energy before we began the long drive. I didn't want to leave and wish I had thought it out better to actually spend a few days. The drive home was long but uneventful. We stopped in New Hampshire at a Cracker Barrel to each a late lunch which was delicious and I bought a few souvenirs for the little ones and others. After that it was full steam ahead to get home. First time I have seen the ocean in thirty years so I guess it was worth the stress.

Do We Dream Our Fears?

Woke up this morning with a headache so I got up and took some pain pills and went back to bed. Had the strangest dream ever. Was at work and couldn't actually seem to do my job. Tried to ring customers out and the computer was working correctly and then I couldn't see or figure out which buttons to push. Was taking me forever to do the smallest thing.  The feeling of anxiousness in the dream was just overwhelming. There were other parts in the dream that were even stranger but not meant for public reading. I guess I should have just gotten up and taken the pain pill without going back to bed. It is only ibuprofen but it seems to do that to me every time.