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There were tears in her eyes on the day she died
Tears unshed blinding her eyes
Why were there tears you might ask
These tears were for many things she left unsaid
She had no way to express how life made her feel
Things just pressed on her from within and without
There was no helping her with the thoughts in her head
There was no helping her and now she is dead
I wanted to do something special for my birthday which happens to be Rich's birthday also. My granddaughter got married the day before and the actual day of the birthday we really didn't do anything special. On Monday we got into the rental car and headed East. You see I wanted to see the ocean. The goal was Maine but we decided to go to Salem, Mass. first. I thought this shouldn't be so hard, after all the directions said it was like five or six hours away. Not being the driver I didn't think about what driving that long would be like. Being the passenger and sitting for that long was not so ducky though. We did stop several times so that was good. The worse part was not having an actual road map and relying on wi-fi when we could get it and writing down the directions. You see neither one of us has a smart phone. We made it to Salem around four in the afternoon, yes we did not really start out early enough. Walked around Salem but didn't do any of the attractions because of time and money. It was kind of cheesy actually. The walk on the pier was nice though. Got back in the car to head to Maine and of course kind of got turned around; stopped in McDonald's to eat and use the wi-fi, boy did I not expect to be eating so much McDonald's on this trip. Got back on the highway in the right direction and headed to Old Orchard Beach, Maine. Traffic was high and talk about tolls. Trying to take pictures in a fast moving vehicle doesn't really work so I just took in the scenery which was trees and rocks. Note to self take time so you can take a more scenic route. As it started to get later of course the clouds rolled in and it started to rain which is not good on a high speed highway in an unfamiliar place. We exited the highway just before our destination to stay at a Ramada Inn. It was a nice room and they had free wifi, tv and breakfast. Sleeping in a hotel is not easy for me so it was a long night. Spent part of the morning get directions off the wi-fi for the rest of the trip. Ate breakfast which was quite nice and then took off for Old Orchard Beach; of course we got turned around again but quickly found our way. Drove down the strip to where all of the hotels were and the amusement park but it was really overwhelming and so we backtrack a bit to pine something or other. Parked the car and found beach access, walked through the beach grass to the biggest beach I have ever been on. The wind was so very strong and the sun sparkled off the sand until the clouds found it. The ocean rolled onto the beach in greeting as we found our way across the expanse of sand to poke our toes into the frigid water. It was wonderful! The sand was so firm and hard from the waves but if you stood still near the water the sand started to soften and suck your feet it. Rich was loving it. Of course I was on the look out for stuff, shells, driftwood whatever. Tried to take pictures but it was so bright that using a kindle didn't work out so well for me, wish I had gotten my camera back from Eric but oh well. Seriously I should have just enjoy the moment. We didn't stay long on the beach because in the back of my mind was the drive home and since I wasn't the driver it didn't feel right to spend too much time and energy before we began the long drive. I didn't want to leave and wish I had thought it out better to actually spend a few days. The drive home was long but uneventful. We stopped in New Hampshire at a Cracker Barrel to each a late lunch which was delicious and I bought a few souvenirs for the little ones and others. After that it was full steam ahead to get home. First time I have seen the ocean in thirty years so I guess it was worth the stress.
Woke up this morning with a headache so I got up and took some pain pills and went back to bed. Had the strangest dream ever. Was at work and couldn't actually seem to do my job. Tried to ring customers out and the computer was working correctly and then I couldn't see or figure out which buttons to push. Was taking me forever to do the smallest thing. The feeling of anxiousness in the dream was just overwhelming. There were other parts in the dream that were even stranger but not meant for public reading. I guess I should have just gotten up and taken the pain pill without going back to bed. It is only ibuprofen but it seems to do that to me every time.
Trying to be happy is exhausting I think. When you have a hard time in life but you talk about it with your significant other to at least try to get life back on track it kind of adds another type of stress. So you have a couple of good days because the problem is out there and you are both trying to find solutions. The problem is that for every good moment my brain says so what are you going to do next to keep this going? And we are not just talking about relationship issues. We are talking about everyday existence. For every fun or interesting thing that I manage to do my brain says so what is next on the fun train? My brain just expects every moment to have some kind of wow factor so when it doesn't look out. Exhaustion immediately sets in and now my brain wants to just sleep. And yet sleep in itself has it's own set of what's next questions. Dream, wake up, dream wake up, and in the dreams there is always this weird sense of what's next. Listen brain, why can't you just accept life for what it is? Enjoy what you can and just be for the rest of the time. What is with this need to be absolutely enjoying every minute of every day and when you don't you just want to escape into the not reality of dreaming? Come on brain!
Budgeting is definitely not my forte. I always think I have a handle on it and then I nickel and dime myself right over my budget. Granted I don't make a lot of money but if I were more careful it would be fine. The problem is when I go to the store to grab a two dollar soda and end up with a six to ten dollar order of just stuff. Or when I calculate what I can spend and then continue to spend more by quick store stops for this that and the other thing. So I will forever be two steps behind in bills and constantly hoping it will all work out.
Every fall I swear I am going to cut the garden on the side hill back so I don't have to work so hard in the spring. And every fall, what with the mums still blooming and Halloween decorating it just never happens. So every spring I have to brace myself on the hill and break off the dead stalks from the mint and various other natural plants that I let grow there. Do I wear gloves you ask? Well that would be the smart thing to do but they just seem to get in my way so I do it all bare handed. Thus I am typing this with very sore hands but the deed is done. The clean up of the piles of garden refuse is time consuming and tiring but exercise is good for you, right? Anyhow the side hill is cleaned up and some daisies that decide to migrate to the lawn have been tucked into the inside perimeters of my side hill garden which seriously resembles the side of a country road. We shall see what new surprises mother nature brings me this year. Here is a picture from last year, let's hope I have as much green this year.
Rereading pasts posts made me aware today that who I am is pretty much put out there for the world to see. But unless someone accidentally comes upon it no one will know. An unread blog is like a time capsule that is never found. Information that was important to the people that buried it that never gets seen again. It is just there stuck in limbo. Makes you curious about the things that are stuck in limbo because no one has been in the right place or right time to find them. Do they still have a worth or are they just a lost piece of a bigger puzzle.
