Where have I gone

I feel all askew lately.  I feel like I have lost who I am or at least who I thought I was.  My connections to people and even things feel all wrong. It is the holiday season and it just does not feel right.  Where is the joy, the excitement, the connection to family and even memories?  I am going through the motions in an effort to get the emotional switch to turn on but the energy is not there.  I am beginning to think that part of me has died and left this shell of who I once was behind. If I continue in this path until I leave this world will I just be done or is there a shadow of me somewhere that I can reconnect with on some other plane?  I feel horrifyingly empty.

Sometimes Life Affects Your Ability To Breathe

Seems like every day I hold my breath a bit.  I hold my breath so I don't cry.  I hold my breath so I don't say things that can't be unsaid.  I hold my breath like that will keep everything held together.  I hold my breath and I cannot breathe.  I hold my breath and no longer experience the freedom of just living life as it is.  I hold my breath.

A Sad Day

So sad all of the time
So overwhelmed all of the time
Uncomfortable around people, overly irritated by things they say or do
Mumbling under my breath about these things that irritate me, because I either realize that the irritation is irrational or I am afraid of voicing my thoughts, afraid that I will get caught up in the whirlwind
When do you figure it is time to stop trying to make something out of an idea
What is love, why does it hold us captive in it's intensity and in it's waning
How do you come to terms with change
How do you move forward
Do you stay in the same story until the plot becomes twisted and lost and you become a character not really needed
When you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, how can you expect others to be comfortable with you
How do you not resent people not really seeing you, only seeing you in conjunction with who they are
How do you expect people to see and know you if you don't really know yourself anymore
How do you stop thoughts of I wish I could just take my sorry ass out of here so no one has to bother with pretending they are interested or care
Why does the thought I will just take my ball and go home keep running through my head
Especially since the term home hasn't got a lot of meaning anymore
When you have lost the ability to comfort yourself and you will not be comforted by others, there is a constant feeling of pain or an itch that can't be scratched
It can be tamped down so the world need not know but it is always there and bursts through occasionally like lava breaking through the earth's surface only to crust over until the next eruption

a movie and yahtzee night

Last night Daniel and Mikayla came over and we had pizza and watched the movie Turbo. For a kids movie it was really fun to watch.  One of those feel good movies that you need every once in awhile.  Then we played four rounds of yahtzee which i came in last in three and second to last in one.  It is a good thing I don't really care about losing.  I like to win but don't really care if I lose.  I just like playing.  I was picking on Rich by Knocking his pencil off the table constantly, not sure why but just felt the need; he could have just kept it out of my reach:)  Very tired this morning, seven hours of sleep isn't enough especially if you wake up a couple of times to use the bathroom and then just dream dream dream.  I couldn't really tell you what I was dreaming about but I do remember yelling to rich about the floor behind the couch and accidently calling him Craig and then trying to talk over my mistake. There was something about black liquid dripping back there and when I was trying to clean it up the linoleum and no there is no linoleum on that floor was all askew and then when you pushed the couch it straightened up and really that was weird. I wonder what it meant, just brain sorting probably.

Today is just Today

I think that maybe I need to write down something about my day often.  I think I need to do this because I feel lost sometimes.  I go to work, I come home and then I sleep and go to work again.  Every day blends into the next, even days off.  The days off have become pretty much the same as the previous days off.  None of this is probably important to the reality of life and shouldn't impact me the way it does.  Today we marked our sale stuff at the store to warehouse prices and I grabbed a bunch of clothes that I really don't need.  It is like I can bring myself joy by defining myself with clothes.  It isn't even really true but it is a hard habit to break.

It is Humbling

When you watch a documentary about a nuclear disaster site twenty-five years later, you wonder what you will see. Will it be a wasteland? The answer is no. Watched a documentary about Chernobyl last night and the wildlife within the zone. Nature is now free to reign since man cannot. It is humbling to think that with all of our self-importance things will carry on without us and do much better.
http://video.pbs.org/video/2157025070/

I don't know love

I don't know love: this is a line from the fifth element and somehow seems appropriate to my life now.  I have known love, and I have felt love and yet at this moment in life I don't know love.  I say the words and make the motions that my mind connects to this thing love but when I look inward I am not sure the words or actions are connected to an actual emotion. There is an emptiness where there was a deep feeling and connection to the ones I "love".  When this emptiness happened I couldn't put a definite time to, just that it has happened. This is very hard for me to wrap my mind around, there is a foreignness to it. As I am still me, or at least I think I am, I will continue to say the words and make the motions of love that should be an important part of my life and maybe the elusive emotion will come out of hiding and make it all true.