Where Have The Warm and Fuzzies Gone?

You know those warms and fuzzy feelings just about everyone has? The ones that make you ooh and aah over fireworks, smile at a baby or want to pet a puppy. Do they go away or maybe into hiding?
Do other less desirable feelings push them aside? What can you say when you should be experiencing a warm and fuzzy feeling and after an initial twinge it just fades into the background and you move on? And I do mean move because if you don't keep moving, filling up your time with activity, there is an emptiness that clamors at the back of your psyche making you just want to not be. Sometimes after just filling up enough time you can close your eyes and retreat into sleep. Sleep and dreaming can be handled because nothing lasts long term in the land of sleep. Dreams are like snippets of life that can be changed if they become too much. A stretch, a yawn, a quick trip to the bathroom and it is gone with another snippet to replace it. No long term commitment and yet no empty space either; no time to get overwhelmed or bored. There is also a wakeful part of your psyche that is aware that these snippets are just stories so their impact on your emotions are fleeting at best. It is a bit like riding a thrill ride, reading a steamy romance, experiencing a fright show, or even watching a feel good movie: a quick punch on the correct emotional button for a temporary reaction and then move on. I guess the warm and fuzzy feelings have gotten lost in dreams and temporary reactions to media where as they used to be the cheering section inside my brain.

Just Drifting Along in Life

Every day that goes by adrift in this sea of whatever is a day lost to life. There is no sighting of the land called solution so I continue to drift. I have provisions for basic survival which is not necessarily a good thing. It leaves me physically safe but mentally uncomfortable. I look for the land of solution but since I am in no tangible danger I do nothing to bring myself in any direction to find this land. Maybe the land will come to me? This is not a feasible concept but the sea of whatever has a strong effect; dampening my thought process until it is warped beyond repair. I fear that being adrift in the sea of whatever is my fate until a storm of enough is enough crashes down upon me forcing a reaction. Whether that reaction will be to survive or perish is yet to be seen.

Spending the day with Michael

Spending the day with Michael is usually filled with many things. He always wants to do everything when he is here and can never stay focused on one thing for too long. He spent the night Saturday so that evening was filled with eating, watching tv, being on the computer, getting out the toys, more tv, etc, etc, etc. Sunday morning started with tv and five minutes later there he goes onto the computer. LOL We put some decorations out, made the dummy, well actually I made the dummy, he gave advice. After he carried the dummy out and set him on the chair I brought out the red paint and we had blood. How I managed not to get it on him I don't know because I got very enthusiastic! My hands ended up looking like I was the murderer. We went inside and made cookies, two kinds and he went on the computer again. Then we proceeded to go back out and add lights to the graveyard and I kept walking through the "blood" and Michael thought that was hilarious. Back inside for a dinner of hamburgs and fries and then it was time to take my little man home. Needless to say I was tired but happy. Sometimes I wish they all lived walking distance from me and then I wonder if that would be a good idea. I think maybe it would be a wonderful idea.

Doing my little bit of artwork may be my savings grace.

My hours at work and my inability to drive leaves me a lot of time to kill before actually having to be a work. I walk and drink too much coffee and unfortunately shop a bit but I also do some of my art. When it got to difficult to be lugging a heavy bag with a regular size sketch pad and supplies I started working on a smaller scale. Sometimes I wish for the bigger size and all of my coloring options but I can satisfy that need at home during the many instances when I just don't know what to do with myself. A great artist I am not, but these endeavors are just a continuance of my love to color as a child and they bring me joy.

When Your Feelings Change Without a So Much as By Your Leave

Oh my love, my feelings for you have grown cold.

Oh my love, my heart wishes for the days of old.

I fear my love that too much time has passed.

I fear my love that the end for us is coming fast.

Oh my love, this is not how I want it to be.

Oh my love, how to fix this I cannot see.

I fear my love that this will not end well.

I fear my love that the last curtain has fell.

Oh my love, I pray this emptiness will leave.

Oh my love, I am not sure what to believe.

I Am Alone in My Musings

I am afraid. Afraid of dying for the first time ever. No, I should rephrase that, I am afraid of death for the first time but I have always been afraid of the dying process. Death used to mean transition to me not an ending. That was when I believed in things. Things like God and then when the concept of God became an illogical idea, things like spiritual energy and other-worldly existence and continuance. However, as of late I seem to have lost all belief in anything I cannot see or touch. This leaves me alone and adrift and frightened. I wouldn't even know who to talk to about this or how. Part of me really really wants someone or something to make me believe. Make me believe in a fantastical afterlife, make me believe that those gone before are somewhere to reunite with, make me believe that the me that I am will continue but happier and better than the me that I am, make me believe that Death is not a period at the end of life. I want someone or something to make me believe. Make me believe that there is a power to help in times of strife, a power to rejoice in times of joy, a power to feel my pain, my fear, and my confusion. Make me believe even if it is a fairy tale for fairy tales used to be my favorite stories.

Sometimes It Would Be NIce To Be More Positive

Do you ever feel like you are less than you probably are? Do you compare your thoughts and talents to those of others and find them wanting? Do you ever feel like an insignificant piece of nothing in a world of amazing? Do you want to be comfortable with who you are deep down inside? Do you want to do the things you like and not feel like it is all a waste? Do you want to appreciate others abilities without that knot of resentment that you feel when your own abilities seem less by comparison? Do you want to just be content with the you that is probably as wonderful as you find others to be? Do you?
You are the you that you are and that is a wonderful thing. Your thoughts and talents are yours to enjoy not to be put up for comparison and they are wonderful. The world is an amazing place with amazing things and people and you are an amazing part of it. If you stop and breath and be quiet you can feel and hear the deep down inside part of you and it will bring you comfort. Nothing you do in life is a waste, it is all part of a grand collage of existence. Go ahead and enjoy the abilities of others and do not hold yourself up in comparison as all beings are unique and the same at once and are all part of the bigger picture. Without each participant life would be a puzzle without all of it's pieces so feel secure that all contributions are just as important as any. Look in the mirror and know that the image you see is amazing and special and never let that feeling go. Just be you.