The War Inside of Me

My head and my heart are at war

My head says don't feel bad anymore

My heart says wtF

I have a whole lot of sadness left

The stuff that I am feeling won't let me be

The stuff I am feeling is real don't you see

So even if my head tells me they will go

It might take my heart awhile just to know

The Humane Thing?????

Today I am doing the humane thing??? with my dog. So why do I feel like a murderer? She has been sick for awhile but she doesn't seem to be in pain. The problem is that she messes all over the place and since we don't have a nice warm kennel for her to be in something has to be done. And even if we did what is the quality of life in an existence where no one really wants to be around you because of the smell and the unsightliness of your being? But still is the sound of a familiar voice or the presence of a familiar person maybe enough? Who knows? All I know is that I have to do this and I don't want to and I am going to feel it for a very long time. It is very hard to find the logic of loving something only to have to lose it or get rid of it. My heart is heavy and in anguish.

A collage I created for my son

This is a collage I created for my son Daniel. It is amazing how when you blend many different things together it becomes a pleasing item.

The content of a dream can affect your waking life

Had a couple of weird dreams last night. Why is it that when the content of a dream is particularly disturbing it carries over to when you are awake? I know dreams are just your mind's way of sorting through thoughts and feelings and yet they can be so real and vivid. When the dream involves the people in your life and if they make you unhappy in the dream, it is very hard to shake that feeling upon awakening. Though if you examine the dream more closely, you realize there are inconsistencies in the content and thus the reality of it is suspect. Of course if you try to analyze the dream your mind can play tricks on you also. A dream is not a foreteller of the future, nor is it a message from a higher power. A dream is just all of the thoughts and feelings that pass through your mind sticking together in a random slide show. A dream is just a dream. That is what I keep telling my self anyway and now I will do a mental shake and put the disturbing thoughts and feelings aside. At least temporarily.

sometimes it just isn't there

When events in life do not bring the reaction that is expected it throws my world off. Sometimes I just feel nothing and it is like I am outside myself watching and wondering. I think well that is what it is supposed to be but this is not what I am supposed to feel. I don't let anyone know that I am on the outside looking in and they never realize it. It is very strange.

When your age asserts itself

Woke up this morning feeling like heck. I am not surprised though. Last night at work I sorted our shipment of goods and some of those boxes are extremely heavy. By the time I was done my wrists, shoulders, neck and back were killing me. I seriously think that part of the job is getting beyond my comfort zone. Oh I can do it but the result is feeling like heck the next day. I woke up with a headache and it is still here. This is probably the result of strain on my neck from lifting and balancing the heavy boxes. It would be okay if I could just pull them off the stack and not have to lift them back up but there is only so much room. I really hate doing something and the whole while my brain is saying there is going to come a time when this is not going to be possible. Something happened to my wrists a while back and now I really can't hold or lift anything heavy with my hands where my wrists have to maintain stability. To take off the pressure on my wrists I use my shoulder to balance boxes until I can't get them down and that just wrecks my shoulder. Geez I am a mess.

A shower curtain rod is not to be used as a closet

Well the shower curtain rod told me today that I was misusing it. As I was attempting to push things to the side to gain some room to hang clothes to dry there was a crash and a thump and the clothes shower curtain rod and anything in the path hit the floor. I have repaired the rod and put the shower curtain back up but I have no idea what I will do with the clothes that are piled on the bed. There just isn't any room for them so I will probably just pile them somewhere else until I figure it out. It is all just too much for me so I am going to make a cup of coffee and a fluffernutter and not think about it.