Another day another dollar spent

 Being on a limited income you would think that I would be more cautious about spending money. Yet because I am feeling down so much if I am given the opportunity to buy something I don't need I do. I am not crazy but still those dollars could probably be spent more wisely. I also tend to spend money to create an experience for others without thought to the next day or week. Buyer's regret is a constant thing for me. I really should go back to work so I could have the income to spend willy nilly because it seems to be the only fun I have. I have thought about going back to work but the thought of constant interaction with other personalities puts me off. Something has changed in me and it isn't a good change.

Time went by so fast

 I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for something. I am not sure what that something is. I am pretty sure I will never know. This feeling of disconnect that is so difficult to explain to anyone. This feeling of not being seen or heard cannot be explain to another because if you are explaining it to someone they feel like they are seeing and hearing you. It is a deep down sense of invisibility that causes us to post on social media like that is the answer. It isn't. I am not sure what the answer is but it probably comes from inside each individual. Most of your life you are busy, busy, busy so the feeling stays somewhat in the background. Eventually you come to a time in your life when there isn't so much busy and that sense of invisibility comes rushing forward. Sometimes the feeling whispers what if you really were invisible, not actually here? Would there be a difference in the universe? Hopefully something inside whispers back that maybe there would be so just keep pretending you feel seen and heard. It just might actually happen someday. I believe that is called hope. If hope ever goes away then I guess you just fade away.

The Children Cried

Tell us a story the children cried

A story of forests filled with life

A story of rolling green hillsides

A story of laughing rivers and streams

Tell us a story the children cried

A story of people filled with love

A story of neighbors helping each other 

A story of freedom and learning

Tell us a story the children cried 

And a story they were told

A story of forests laid bare, no longer a place for life

A story of hillsides covered with buildings and highways and noise

A story of rivers and streams filled with garbage slowly strangling 

A story of hate consuming humanity

A story of people lost to each other only caring about themselves 

A story of restrictions and lack of wisdom

This is the story that was told

And the children cried

Christmas and Sadness

This Christmas season is difficult. Life goes on even as we try to have a storybook holiday time. Why are we always trying to live a storybook life? Why is real life so hard that we spend so much time pretending that things are different? Bad things happen even when we are expecting the best of times. Death is as much a part of life as birth but it is much more trying. How to deal with the impending loss of a loved one at the time of year when you are expecting cheer. How to deal with the woes of loved ones when you are in no position to help. How to deal with your own feelings of inadequacy and what feels like a spiralling lack of control. The answer seems to be that we just push through everything that is happening. It all seems like an endurance test with no actually prize at the end. There is a sense of failure that permeates my brain. A sense of worthlessness. All because I can't control the fact that life is definitely not about happy ending. It is all just a mess.

Realization

I have come to realize that a large portion of my life has been ruled by negativity. When I was younger and had many things on my plate the negativity stayed somewhat in the background, visible only in journal writings and a need to escape from everything once in awhile. Now that I am older the negativity has moved to the forefront of my existence. The impact this might have on others around me is worrisome and yet the negative gremlin in my brain whispers that no one actually cares. I wish for happiness for everyone I know and worry about loved ones all of the time. Lately I have begun to think that the worry I feel for others is actually a worry I have for myself. Why can I not be happy? Why do I feel this way? Why does nothing every quite feel "right"? I think it might be a perspective thing, like I am looking at myself and life through a skewed mirror. And I am judgmental of others choices and more so of my own. Yet when I am judgmental of others I berate myself for it. My whole life seems to be a back and forth of I feel and think this way but what right do I have to feel and think that way. Basically I just feel crazy most of the time. I wish sometimes I could have God but though I don't discount completely the idea I find I cannot truthfully embrace it. It just doesn't feel correct to me. I would like to be energetic about life, positive about life, connected to life, and mostly feel a purpose in life. Maybe I would really like to be honest about how I feel about everything in life but find that no one really wants that kind of honesty so I will just be until I am not.

Every Day I Feel This Way

I am sad and I feel stupid about it. My relationships with my children are sporadic. Life is a challenge. My relationship with the man in my life isn't really a relationship anymore. I put myself here so I blame myself but that doesn't make me less sad, only more. I am so lonely that I don't want to get up in the morning but I don't want to sleep either because my dreams are just damned disturbing. I don't know what I am supposed to do about all of this, I am lost. I guess I will just keep pretending that nothing matters and yet it all matters.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING I HAVE

IS IT THE AIR
IS IT THE COLD
IS IT MY AGE
AFTER ALL I AM OLD

IS IT MY LIFE
IS IT MY THOUGHTS
IS IT DELUSION
IT FEELS ALL FOR NAUGHT

IS IT DEPRESSION
IS IT A SICKNESS
IS IT SELF-PITY
WHY FEEL SO WORTHLESS

IS IT THE END
IS IT FOR NOW
IS IT ETERNITY
JUST WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME