Ending the year on a wave of what to do

The year is ending and my emotions are so wrecked. On one hand they all seem to have gone away and on the other hand they seem to be confused. Nothing feels right, everything has changed. Affection is something that is missing, I seem to not be connecting to anyone on any level deeper than surface. Not sure if the ability to care is gone or if I am suppressing my feelings to avoid facing some of the feelings I don't like. Tried to envision and remember the feelings I used to have and seriously it is like trying to remember how it felt to be around someone who has been gone a long time. I am not emotionless because when I think about all of this stuff and write it down I tear up, which I quickly put a stop to in fear of total loss of control. What if I have lost the ability to feel deep affection? That scares me so much. Can you have a mental illness that changes how you feel about stuff? Lord I am sad!!!! These thoughts are such a burden. There is no one to share them with that they won't bother or that can help. Sometimes I just get so tired of being me. Writing about this is causing me pain. Just need to keep moving through life and not think. Wish sleeping didn't actually cause me physical pain because I would do a lot more of it.

  The Story Of The Jiggle Frog

Once upon a time, there was a little frog.  He was small and green with tiny yellow spots.  He lived on a log, solid and warm, that floated in a quiet peaceful pond.  The pond was surrounded by cattails and beautiful green grasses that swayed in the wind as if dancing to a song.

All day long the little frog hopped on his log wishing for a friend.  As the calm quiet night fell over the pond, the little green frog would curl up on his log and dream.  He would dream a song, a song calling to a friend.

           Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I'm a little frog
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I live on a log
     
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I hop all day
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      Come and play

      Come and play
      Come and play
      Come and play with me

In a cozy house a short distance away there lived a sturdy little boy full of energy and sunshine.  He smiled and played the day away happy as can be.  One warm sunny day the little boy ventured across the distance to the pond.  With his happy blue eyes he spied the little green frog.  He was so delighted with his discovery that he began to sing. 

      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle  
        You're a little frog
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      You live on a log   
       
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      You hop all day
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      Can I come and play

      Can I come and play
      Can I come and play
      Can I come and play with you

To this day the little green frog with tiny yellow spots and the sturdy little boy who is full of sunshine are the best of friends.


A little story based on song I used to sing to Michael when his was a baby.    
      


        

Holidays can break the shell

Some of us surround ourselves with a shell invisible to others. A shell that helps us survive from day to day and get a bit of enjoyment out of life once in awhile. This shell keeps our intense feelings from exploding out and causing others stress. This shell deflects and or absorbs the things in life that make us want to scream, cry, or lash out. The shell wears thin and it is a constant struggle to add layers to it for our and others preservation. Holiday time is a busy, crazy stressful time. Expectations run high and rarely met. This is a time when the shell that surrounds us takes a beating, wearing thin in places and most likely cracking in several more. When this happen all of the stuff the shell has been keeping out gets in and the stuff it has been keeping in gets out. It is never pretty. Here's to hoping the shell holds this Holiday season.

While You Sleep

As I lay here with my eyes open wide
As you lay there at my side
There is a wall growing between us two
There is a wall invisible to you
Every minute that goes by in this way
Every minute that in silence we lay
Is a moment taken from our life
Is a moment that cuts like a knife
My eyes close upon this thought
You sleep while this battle is fought

Just deal with it for heaven's sake!

As I sit here putzing around on the computer before work a lump lodges itself in my throat and chest. Life is so full of issues and most people face them and either resolve them, rail against them, or move away from them. Lately I just try to live around them like they are piles of clutter that I will get to later. The piles just grow larger and less stable and it probably won't belong before the giant piles of life's issues topple over burying me underneath.

Where Have The Warm and Fuzzies Gone?

You know those warms and fuzzy feelings just about everyone has? The ones that make you ooh and aah over fireworks, smile at a baby or want to pet a puppy. Do they go away or maybe into hiding?
Do other less desirable feelings push them aside? What can you say when you should be experiencing a warm and fuzzy feeling and after an initial twinge it just fades into the background and you move on? And I do mean move because if you don't keep moving, filling up your time with activity, there is an emptiness that clamors at the back of your psyche making you just want to not be. Sometimes after just filling up enough time you can close your eyes and retreat into sleep. Sleep and dreaming can be handled because nothing lasts long term in the land of sleep. Dreams are like snippets of life that can be changed if they become too much. A stretch, a yawn, a quick trip to the bathroom and it is gone with another snippet to replace it. No long term commitment and yet no empty space either; no time to get overwhelmed or bored. There is also a wakeful part of your psyche that is aware that these snippets are just stories so their impact on your emotions are fleeting at best. It is a bit like riding a thrill ride, reading a steamy romance, experiencing a fright show, or even watching a feel good movie: a quick punch on the correct emotional button for a temporary reaction and then move on. I guess the warm and fuzzy feelings have gotten lost in dreams and temporary reactions to media where as they used to be the cheering section inside my brain.

Just Drifting Along in Life

Every day that goes by adrift in this sea of whatever is a day lost to life. There is no sighting of the land called solution so I continue to drift. I have provisions for basic survival which is not necessarily a good thing. It leaves me physically safe but mentally uncomfortable. I look for the land of solution but since I am in no tangible danger I do nothing to bring myself in any direction to find this land. Maybe the land will come to me? This is not a feasible concept but the sea of whatever has a strong effect; dampening my thought process until it is warped beyond repair. I fear that being adrift in the sea of whatever is my fate until a storm of enough is enough crashes down upon me forcing a reaction. Whether that reaction will be to survive or perish is yet to be seen.