implosion

What do you say when they ask what is wrong

What do you say when you aren't even sure

What do you say when it is the same old story

What do you say when everything seems to be folding into you

What will they say if they only knew

What would they say if they could only see

What are you supposed to do if everything seems senseless

What are you supposed to do if you feel useless

What is the reason for feeling this way

What is the reason for being here today

What is the plan that was made just for you

What are the things you were meant to do

You can't stop the thoughts that cripple your soul

You can't close the door on the feelings that hurt

You try to go on like everything is fine

You try not to show that nothing is right

You feel like an alien in a strange world

You can't remember when it wasn't this way

You get tired of playing a part without lines

You have ended up in the wrong play

It feels like nothing makes sense anymore

It feels like it never really did anyway

It feels like your memories just make this more true

It feels like everything is imploding in you

As all of the control starts to wind down

As all of the feelings swirl around in your mind

As all of the madness starts to take over

As all of the sadness fills in the spaces

Your soul implodes eventually with time

Being lost in a cloud of doing nothing

I sit here at the computer not because of any great interest

I sit here at the computer because it is a way to hide

I sit here at the computer to make it look like I am busy

I sit here at the computer so you will leave me alone

I sit here at the computer and wonder what is wrong with me

I sit here at the computer not knowing a way to not feel this way

I sit here at the computer wishing I could get back to a different time

I sit here at the computer stuck in a warp of sadness and inactivity

I sit here at the computer just typing and typing and typing

I sit here at the computer waiting for magic to come back to me

I sit here at the computer because I am lost and no one knows

I sit here at the computer waiting to be found

The War Inside of Me

My head and my heart are at war

My head says don't feel bad anymore

My heart says wtF

I have a whole lot of sadness left

The stuff that I am feeling won't let me be

The stuff I am feeling is real don't you see

So even if my head tells me they will go

It might take my heart awhile just to know

The Humane Thing?????

Today I am doing the humane thing??? with my dog. So why do I feel like a murderer? She has been sick for awhile but she doesn't seem to be in pain. The problem is that she messes all over the place and since we don't have a nice warm kennel for her to be in something has to be done. And even if we did what is the quality of life in an existence where no one really wants to be around you because of the smell and the unsightliness of your being? But still is the sound of a familiar voice or the presence of a familiar person maybe enough? Who knows? All I know is that I have to do this and I don't want to and I am going to feel it for a very long time. It is very hard to find the logic of loving something only to have to lose it or get rid of it. My heart is heavy and in anguish.

A collage I created for my son

This is a collage I created for my son Daniel. It is amazing how when you blend many different things together it becomes a pleasing item.

The content of a dream can affect your waking life

Had a couple of weird dreams last night. Why is it that when the content of a dream is particularly disturbing it carries over to when you are awake? I know dreams are just your mind's way of sorting through thoughts and feelings and yet they can be so real and vivid. When the dream involves the people in your life and if they make you unhappy in the dream, it is very hard to shake that feeling upon awakening. Though if you examine the dream more closely, you realize there are inconsistencies in the content and thus the reality of it is suspect. Of course if you try to analyze the dream your mind can play tricks on you also. A dream is not a foreteller of the future, nor is it a message from a higher power. A dream is just all of the thoughts and feelings that pass through your mind sticking together in a random slide show. A dream is just a dream. That is what I keep telling my self anyway and now I will do a mental shake and put the disturbing thoughts and feelings aside. At least temporarily.

sometimes it just isn't there

When events in life do not bring the reaction that is expected it throws my world off. Sometimes I just feel nothing and it is like I am outside myself watching and wondering. I think well that is what it is supposed to be but this is not what I am supposed to feel. I don't let anyone know that I am on the outside looking in and they never realize it. It is very strange.