Oh Come On Brain!

Trying to be happy is exhausting I think.  When you have a hard time in life but you talk about it with your significant other to at least try to get life back on track it kind of adds another type of stress.  So you have a couple of good days because the problem is out there and you are both trying to find solutions.  The problem is that for every good moment my brain says so what are you going to do next to keep this going?  And we are not just talking about relationship issues. We are talking about everyday existence.  For every fun or interesting thing that I manage to do my brain says so what is next on the fun train?  My brain just expects every moment to have some kind of wow factor so when it doesn't look out.  Exhaustion immediately sets in and now my brain wants to just sleep.  And yet sleep in itself has it's own set of what's next questions. Dream, wake up, dream wake up, and in the dreams there is always this weird sense of what's next. Listen brain, why can't you just accept life for what it is?  Enjoy what you can and just be for the rest of the time.  What is with this need to be absolutely enjoying every minute of every day and when you don't you just want to escape into the not reality of dreaming? Come on brain!

I Just Can't Control My Spending The Way That I Think I Can

Budgeting is definitely not my forte.  I always think I have a handle on it and then I nickel and dime myself right over my budget.  Granted I don't make a lot of money but if I were more careful it would be fine.  The problem is when I go to the store to grab a two dollar soda and end up with a six to ten dollar order of just stuff.  Or when I calculate what I can spend and then continue to spend more by quick store stops for this that and the other thing.  So I will forever be two steps behind in bills and constantly hoping it will all work out.

Why Don't I just Cut The Garden Back In The Fall

Every fall I swear I am going to cut the garden on the side hill back so I don't have to work so hard in the spring.  And every fall, what with the mums still blooming and Halloween decorating it just never happens.  So every spring I have to brace myself on the hill and break off the dead stalks from the mint and various other natural plants that I let grow there.  Do I wear gloves you ask?  Well that would be the smart thing to do but they just seem to get in my way so I do it all bare handed.  Thus I am typing this with very sore hands but the deed is done.  The clean up of the piles of garden refuse is time consuming and tiring but exercise is good for you, right?  Anyhow the side hill is cleaned up and some daisies that decide to migrate to the lawn have been tucked into the inside perimeters of my side hill garden which seriously resembles the side of a country road.  We shall see what new surprises mother nature brings me this year.  Here is a picture from last year, let's hope I have as much green this year.  

Will The Silly Things I Write Still Be In Cyber Space When I Am Gone?

Rereading pasts posts made me aware today that who I am is pretty much put out there for the world to see.  But unless someone accidentally comes upon it no one will know.  An unread blog is like a time capsule that is never found.  Information that was important to the people that buried it that never gets seen again.  It is just there stuck in limbo.  Makes you curious about the things that are stuck in limbo because no one has been in the right place or right time to find them.  Do they still have a worth or are they just a lost piece of a bigger puzzle.

How Long Will I Keep This Up

Relationship, what exactly does that mean?
A connection, co-existence, mutual survival?
If connection is lost is the relationship done?
If you still co-exist is it still a relationship?
If you are just surviving each other why do you continue?
Life is hard to figure out at the very least so why bother?
How long will I keep this up?

Getting Too Big For His Britches

When your grandson gets old enough to be in an "altercation" at school it starts to get hard.  The child got into it today at school and ended up with a broken hand.  All I can think is he is this bony fragile child and now look.  Not sure of all the facts yet but feel bad for him either way.  It would be easier if grandchildren stayed little.

I Cried Last Night

We all cry at times in our life, for good reasons and for bad.  I try not to cry because it hurts my head and usually resolves nothing.  I guess it might be a safety valve but it makes me feel like here is one more thing that I have no control over.  I can't get over whatever it is that is enveloping me this year.  This sense of nothingness mixed with unbelievable anger.  Anger at the world for no good reason but mostly anger at myself for not being able to live life better.  I honestly don't feel like I belong in this world anymore. I have tried the whole live life for others and that just seems to fuel my anger.  I have tried live life for myself and that just seems lonely.  I try to connect with life hoping that the real thing will kick in but it is not working.  Mostly I just can't believe that either no one can see me falling apart or they, like myself can't figure out what to do,

so they just live around it hoping for things to work out. I don't know how to interact with the people around me but can't seem to go about any kind of activity when there are people around me because I feel like I should be connecting with them in some way.  Since it all seems so wrong I try to sleep a lot which in it's own way is defeating.  Then when I come out of sleep my brain just goes into overdrive and every decision and action that I question does a crazy dance in there like my brain is trying to get me to come up with some kind of fix for this.  But what if there is no fix?  How and why do I go on?  So: I cried last night.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

She breathes in slowly to calm herself
She breathes out with a jerk because her thoughts catch in her throat
She breathes in slowly to keep the thoughts to herself
She breathes out with a jerk for those thoughts make her choke
She breathes in slowly to give herself time to think
She breathes out with a jerk because thinking brings no relief
She breathes in slowly trying to find a way
She breathes out with a jerk knowing the problems are here to stay
She breathes in slowly because that is what she can do
She breathes out with a jerk because her life is not yet through

Time Off Doesn't Always Solve Work Angst

Yesterday was my first day back after six days off.  You would think that I would have been well rested and raring to go.  Well I wasn't well rested because I did yard work the day before.  I also did a ten hour day which I will be doing again today so I got kind of tired.  But I think the real issue is that I just don't enjoy the work like I used to.  I need to work like everyone else does so I just have to get my head around the idea that it is a job and not a recreation.  Still I think it is like everything else in my life there is just something missing.  Here's hoping that the day goes by quickly and that my feet hold out. Oh I forgot to mention that I have to go in early tomorrow because my man has to work and he is my only way to get to work; don't start til nine but will be there at six thirty. Oh joy!