I don't know love

I don't know love: this is a line from the fifth element and somehow seems appropriate to my life now.  I have known love, and I have felt love and yet at this moment in life I don't know love.  I say the words and make the motions that my mind connects to this thing love but when I look inward I am not sure the words or actions are connected to an actual emotion. There is an emptiness where there was a deep feeling and connection to the ones I "love".  When this emptiness happened I couldn't put a definite time to, just that it has happened. This is very hard for me to wrap my mind around, there is a foreignness to it. As I am still me, or at least I think I am, I will continue to say the words and make the motions of love that should be an important part of my life and maybe the elusive emotion will come out of hiding and make it all true.

Even Mothers like to be Included

I am beginning to realize what it was like for my mother when we all congregated at her house on Saturday nights.  Sure it was wonderful to see everyone and enjoy them interacting together.  But did we sometimes forget she was sitting right there just listening to us, probably mostly not being able to get a word in edgewise?  I think it was probably more fun for her when people visited separately so she was the focus not just the excuse to see each other.  I love having my kids with me but yesterday I felt like I was invisible.  This is mostly my own fault because I spend too much time making sure everyone else is getting what they need and then getting cranky when that is exactly what they expect from me.  I was so snappy this weekend that I was annoying my own self.  Sometimes I just want to look at people and scream, What about me? Isn't what I do interesting, aren't I fun?  I know I am overreacting but that is where my brain has been going lately.  Most the time I want to just disappear so no one has to deal with my f-ing craziness.  But I think what I really want is for someone to say they would miss me. :(

Feeling Sad Forever

This continuous sense of sadness that abides within me is burning me dry.  I try to analyze the feeling and rationalize the reasons for the feeling.  I am not successful at either.  I spend an inordinate amount of time just trying not to feel.  That task is just about impossible.  Thus I internalize what I feel into a tight little kernel of thought and hide it the best that I can.  I feel combustible.  How does one deal with feelings without directly impacting the others within their surroundings.  Not sharing negative feelings seems to be an answer until trying to control those feelings results in not showing feelings at all.  That in itself is a negativity brought to the world around you.  This makes a person want to just bury themselves in a hole away from everything and everyone.  When trying to examine possible reasons for the sadness a person could come up with triggers and you would think that change was possible.  However upon trying to imagine a world without these so called triggers and the possibility that the sadness would be then be gone, one realizes that the sadness would only find new fuel.  The sadness is not a result of something. The sadness just exists in spite of everything.  The only hope is to try to be stronger than the sadness.  Right now it is winning.