Where have I gone

I feel all askew lately.  I feel like I have lost who I am or at least who I thought I was.  My connections to people and even things feel all wrong. It is the holiday season and it just does not feel right.  Where is the joy, the excitement, the connection to family and even memories?  I am going through the motions in an effort to get the emotional switch to turn on but the energy is not there.  I am beginning to think that part of me has died and left this shell of who I once was behind. If I continue in this path until I leave this world will I just be done or is there a shadow of me somewhere that I can reconnect with on some other plane?  I feel horrifyingly empty.

Sometimes Life Affects Your Ability To Breathe

Seems like every day I hold my breath a bit.  I hold my breath so I don't cry.  I hold my breath so I don't say things that can't be unsaid.  I hold my breath like that will keep everything held together.  I hold my breath and I cannot breathe.  I hold my breath and no longer experience the freedom of just living life as it is.  I hold my breath.

A Sad Day

So sad all of the time
So overwhelmed all of the time
Uncomfortable around people, overly irritated by things they say or do
Mumbling under my breath about these things that irritate me, because I either realize that the irritation is irrational or I am afraid of voicing my thoughts, afraid that I will get caught up in the whirlwind
When do you figure it is time to stop trying to make something out of an idea
What is love, why does it hold us captive in it's intensity and in it's waning
How do you come to terms with change
How do you move forward
Do you stay in the same story until the plot becomes twisted and lost and you become a character not really needed
When you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, how can you expect others to be comfortable with you
How do you not resent people not really seeing you, only seeing you in conjunction with who they are
How do you expect people to see and know you if you don't really know yourself anymore
How do you stop thoughts of I wish I could just take my sorry ass out of here so no one has to bother with pretending they are interested or care
Why does the thought I will just take my ball and go home keep running through my head
Especially since the term home hasn't got a lot of meaning anymore
When you have lost the ability to comfort yourself and you will not be comforted by others, there is a constant feeling of pain or an itch that can't be scratched
It can be tamped down so the world need not know but it is always there and bursts through occasionally like lava breaking through the earth's surface only to crust over until the next eruption

a movie and yahtzee night

Last night Daniel and Mikayla came over and we had pizza and watched the movie Turbo. For a kids movie it was really fun to watch.  One of those feel good movies that you need every once in awhile.  Then we played four rounds of yahtzee which i came in last in three and second to last in one.  It is a good thing I don't really care about losing.  I like to win but don't really care if I lose.  I just like playing.  I was picking on Rich by Knocking his pencil off the table constantly, not sure why but just felt the need; he could have just kept it out of my reach:)  Very tired this morning, seven hours of sleep isn't enough especially if you wake up a couple of times to use the bathroom and then just dream dream dream.  I couldn't really tell you what I was dreaming about but I do remember yelling to rich about the floor behind the couch and accidently calling him Craig and then trying to talk over my mistake. There was something about black liquid dripping back there and when I was trying to clean it up the linoleum and no there is no linoleum on that floor was all askew and then when you pushed the couch it straightened up and really that was weird. I wonder what it meant, just brain sorting probably.

Today is just Today

I think that maybe I need to write down something about my day often.  I think I need to do this because I feel lost sometimes.  I go to work, I come home and then I sleep and go to work again.  Every day blends into the next, even days off.  The days off have become pretty much the same as the previous days off.  None of this is probably important to the reality of life and shouldn't impact me the way it does.  Today we marked our sale stuff at the store to warehouse prices and I grabbed a bunch of clothes that I really don't need.  It is like I can bring myself joy by defining myself with clothes.  It isn't even really true but it is a hard habit to break.

It is Humbling

When you watch a documentary about a nuclear disaster site twenty-five years later, you wonder what you will see. Will it be a wasteland? The answer is no. Watched a documentary about Chernobyl last night and the wildlife within the zone. Nature is now free to reign since man cannot. It is humbling to think that with all of our self-importance things will carry on without us and do much better.
http://video.pbs.org/video/2157025070/

I don't know love

I don't know love: this is a line from the fifth element and somehow seems appropriate to my life now.  I have known love, and I have felt love and yet at this moment in life I don't know love.  I say the words and make the motions that my mind connects to this thing love but when I look inward I am not sure the words or actions are connected to an actual emotion. There is an emptiness where there was a deep feeling and connection to the ones I "love".  When this emptiness happened I couldn't put a definite time to, just that it has happened. This is very hard for me to wrap my mind around, there is a foreignness to it. As I am still me, or at least I think I am, I will continue to say the words and make the motions of love that should be an important part of my life and maybe the elusive emotion will come out of hiding and make it all true.

Even Mothers like to be Included

I am beginning to realize what it was like for my mother when we all congregated at her house on Saturday nights.  Sure it was wonderful to see everyone and enjoy them interacting together.  But did we sometimes forget she was sitting right there just listening to us, probably mostly not being able to get a word in edgewise?  I think it was probably more fun for her when people visited separately so she was the focus not just the excuse to see each other.  I love having my kids with me but yesterday I felt like I was invisible.  This is mostly my own fault because I spend too much time making sure everyone else is getting what they need and then getting cranky when that is exactly what they expect from me.  I was so snappy this weekend that I was annoying my own self.  Sometimes I just want to look at people and scream, What about me? Isn't what I do interesting, aren't I fun?  I know I am overreacting but that is where my brain has been going lately.  Most the time I want to just disappear so no one has to deal with my f-ing craziness.  But I think what I really want is for someone to say they would miss me. :(

Feeling Sad Forever

This continuous sense of sadness that abides within me is burning me dry.  I try to analyze the feeling and rationalize the reasons for the feeling.  I am not successful at either.  I spend an inordinate amount of time just trying not to feel.  That task is just about impossible.  Thus I internalize what I feel into a tight little kernel of thought and hide it the best that I can.  I feel combustible.  How does one deal with feelings without directly impacting the others within their surroundings.  Not sharing negative feelings seems to be an answer until trying to control those feelings results in not showing feelings at all.  That in itself is a negativity brought to the world around you.  This makes a person want to just bury themselves in a hole away from everything and everyone.  When trying to examine possible reasons for the sadness a person could come up with triggers and you would think that change was possible.  However upon trying to imagine a world without these so called triggers and the possibility that the sadness would be then be gone, one realizes that the sadness would only find new fuel.  The sadness is not a result of something. The sadness just exists in spite of everything.  The only hope is to try to be stronger than the sadness.  Right now it is winning.

One step forward and Two steps back, is it time to end this dance

When every day becomes measured in good and bad moments life has become a survival instead of life. Over-reaction to minor setbacks in an otherwise pretty good day is probably a sign of an exhausted existence. Expecting every moment to be a smiley sunny bubble is unrealistic and it is no wonder that when the messy dirty truth of trying to exist with others pushes itself into the party there are a bunch of burst bubbles all over the place. These are all signs of trying to force life instead of living life. There is never just happy, happy, happy; there is always going to be sad, mad, afraid, tired, and confused. However if sad, mad, afraid, tired, and confused happen more than happy, happy, happy; you just might be trying to dance a dance that isn't for you. Maybe it is time to end the dance.

She holds her breath and her thoughts inside

She moves along while wanting to hide

Cracks appear in her masquerade

Cracks appear she can't evade

She won't last very long

She feels very wrong

Cracks grow wider still

Cracks that defy strength and will

She knows she can't keep up the game

She wishes thing could just have stayed the same

Trying to photograph artwork is frustrating. I believe even more so in this digital age than with older cameras. Of course my own camera is not the most expensive or the best so that may be the problem. I do believe though that a camera can only capture so much. When I look at my silly little pictures that I draw and then at the photographs of them I realize that something gets lost in the photograph, a feeling that the pictures put across does not come out in the photos. Sometimes I wish people could actually see my pictures for real.

Pictures of my arts and crafts