Jenni B

Jenni B was funny little girl

 

 

With bright red hair that never would curl

 

 

What do you think she did all day

 

 

I bet you think she would run and play

 

 

When outside the others would be

 

 

Inside reading was Jenni B

 

 

Her world was inside a book

 

The world around her she'd forsook

 

When Jenni B to a woman grew

 

She didn't know what she would do

 

The world outside was closing in

 

Only the books she read would quiet the din

 

Jenni needed to be set free

 

She had her own her own story to live you see

 

She decided to write stories to share

 

To her readers she says beware

 

Reading about  romance and adventure is great

 

But get out and live your life before it is too late

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



A million things I should be doing but painted instead

I have a million things to do today but decided my pantry doors must be painted. I actually have wanted to paint them for awhile but today my brain decided it was time. Originally I was thinking of a dry brush technique like I did in the bathroom but the green paint I used didn't work well for that. Thus the doors got a solid coat of paint instead which actually looks quite nice.  I want to do the cabinets but the green is too dark and I am not sure what other color to use.

TALK TALK TALK

Relationships are work and they require talking. But most of the time I just don't have the energy and get really emotional. What if you just don't know how to have a relationship anymore?

The same old dance, different day

Another day and it's the same old song and dance. Go through the motions of life without addressing the issues that are lurking ever present beneath the surface. When two people go through life just being together they actually become more separate. What an odd situation you find yourself in. The relationship has most likely run it's course but it is such a sad thing you both just stay in denial.

Sometimes it is just so hard to yank myself out of be

Lately I have a hard time getting up. I manage it but the lure of sleep and living in sporadic dreaming is strong.  I really need to shake this but I don't foresee it happening. It is like I am just moving through life because that is what you do. The result is impulse shopping and too much nothing.

Thoughts Just Won't Stop

Thoughts just fly around in my brain lately without my consent. I try to shut the door on them and they sneak through the cracks. I wish I was a strong motivated sort of person who could take life by the horns and make it do what I want. Well, the truth really is that I wish there was someone out there who could do it for me. So many things in my life make me unhappy and yet here I sit writing about it. A strong person would get up and make changes. I can't seem to figure this relationship thing out so I just drift along on the current which makes neither of us happy. Still to be honest if I wasn't here I wouldn't have anywhere to go. My children make me nervous because I worry about them all of the time even though I don't really know how to help them. Oh I pay my son's bills but that is just keeping the worry at bay, it isn't really helping him. I am so tired of being me that my very skin hurts sometimes. As I write this my mind is screaming, whine, whine ,whine! Yeah writing about your issues doesn't really help. All it does is relieve the pressure on your brain a bit so you don't explode all over the place.

Using my blog as a diary of sorts

Since my son told me yesterday that I use facebook like twitter I have decided to write stuff here. If I am only writing to remember stuff that should be okay. However I am pretty sure I post on facebook to remind people I am here. I don't see my family much these days so I like being able to interact in that way. However even this has become dissatisfying because posts don't get seen because so many people have so many friends. Ah, life can be so trying sometimes. Yesterday I made a rump roast for dinner. It came out quite nice, though I do feel I would like to use beef broth instead of the canned consommé I used. I also would go a little easier on the salt, the meat was great but the au jus was salty. Twenty one dollars for two cuts of meat made my head spin and there were no left overs really. Still, six people ate so I guess that wasn't too bad. At least I found out that I can do a roast if I want to. Daniel and Mikayla couldn't stay very long as she had to work today but it sure was nice to see them. I can't wait for summer, I love being able to go outside when my kids come up. The trailer is very small and Rich isn't very social, which becomes apparent when you are in the kitchen talking and he is playing his game on the play station talking to another person through his headset. I was very mad but what can you do. Done trying to figure all of this stuff out.

So I try so hard not to have a jealous issue. Still there is always the thought in the back of my mind.
So when I find a long dark hair in my sink my brain goes to places it shouldn't.  Even when my brain comes up with a solution there is still doubt lurking in the dark corners.

Even if you want to move you sometimes need to upgrade

I Just Don't Know What to Do

Sometimes there doesn't feel like I make any forward movement in life. I make decisions based on impulses and then try to make a go of the situation. I don't make decisions because I am afraid it is an impulsive thought trying to get through and still try to make a go of it.  I do believe that I am incapable of getting control of my life because I expect it all to just happen. I don't want to deal with the hard stuff.  Oh I make it look like I am being the strong one, getting things done and doing the right thing. Yet all am really doing is avoiding the hard stuff. How do you know what is the right thing to do?  After all I have learned that in life there are no take backs.  You make a decision, thought out or impulsive, and you have to take the consequences.  Do you just do what you feel?  Do you just do what you want?  Do you just keep on doing what you are doing and hope it is right?  It is all so stressful that it makes you not want to do anything at all.  Just curl up in a ball and stop being.  I would like to be able to just pretend that all is good.  When the thoughts of things not being right come along, I would like to be able to shake them off with ease and just live.  When I get frustrated I would like to take a breath and just get over it.  When I get irritated at something or someone I would like to close my eyes, put on a smile and let it go. I would like happy to come back to live with me but I am not sure it ever really has. Just because the story isn't going like I planned I would like to have the discipline to keep on with it. After all you never know what might be in the next chapter.  Please help me not to end one story prematurely to jump into another one that might be even less satisfying. No story is perfect.

I Think I have Lived My Lifetime

I lay in bed yesterday trying to get rid of a headache and thoughts of my life started running through my brain. Visions of the past near and far chased each other for attention and a thought managed to sneak through the chaos; I have had a lifetime. Now I am in my fifties so I probably shouldn't be having a thought like that with a period on the end but that is exactly how it felt. Of course I have been really out of sorts lately so that could be the reason but I am not sure. Try thinking back on your life, try to remember being a child, a teenager, a young adult etc etc etc. Think of the people you have known, loved, hated and just bumped into. Peruse the newsstand in you head and review the events that have occurred since you became aware of the world around you. Think of your children and their lives and maybe your grandchildren and their lives. The more you think the more your brain becomes full and the thought I have had a lifetime pops up. Now I know that there will probably be more to this life but I can't see or feel connected to the rest of it. It feels like the main chapters are written and only the epilogue is left. Still sometimes that can be the best part of the story.

When memories from your childhood crash around in your brain

Finding life difficult these days. Perhaps this is why I am sleeping too much and when I am lying there my brain is trying to retrieve childhood memories. These memories don't flow into sight easily; they pop up hither and yon and then make me try to remember other things. I have a hard time remembering some things and am not always sure that the memories are true or if they are the product of other memories and impressions. As I lay there trying to recall elusive information from a past that gets farther away as the years go by I begin to realize that these memories do not really matter. I get the feeling of that was then and this is now and tomorrow, now will once again be then so what does it matter.  Still I suppose these memories are what makes parts of us who we are so when we can't recall something we should know it sets up a whirlwind of anxiety inside the brain. I have a brother who I haven't seen in a multitude of years so memories of him are more from childhood than anything else. I was trying to recall the names of his children last night and I succeeded until I got to my niece and her name is right there on the tip of my brain but it must be caught on a snag. I will have to ask my sister when I see her. She will remember. I think I forget things about other people because I am so absorbed in myself, which is why I find life difficult. When people treat me kindly it makes me uncomfortable because I don't really believe I deserve it. I feel like they see an image of me that is untrue. It is not that I believe I am a bad person but I do not involve myself in humanity enough to be treated kindly. Lord I am sad.