Still in an emotional limbo

Today is New Year's Eve. Will be picking up my grandson Tyler later to bring him back here to spend the night. This will allow his mother to have some grown up time. I would like to say I am excited about this but really I just want to sleep.  I don't think I really know how to amuse this grandson and I feel so blah that I am not sure I can. I don't want him to feel neglected but he will probably be playing video games with Rich anyhow. Thinking it probably would have been better to watch him at his house. Are these holidays over yet? Will watch the parade tomorrow and then take Tyler home. After that it is just a matter of getting through the rest of the day and back to work the next day. Pretty sad that work is now the only place I care to be but on the other hand I am thankful that I enjoy that again. Lord please just give me some enthusiasm for something and help me get through the other hours of my life without causing anyone pain.

Ending the year on a wave of what to do

The year is ending and my emotions are so wrecked. On one hand they all seem to have gone away and on the other hand they seem to be confused. Nothing feels right, everything has changed. Affection is something that is missing, I seem to not be connecting to anyone on any level deeper than surface. Not sure if the ability to care is gone or if I am suppressing my feelings to avoid facing some of the feelings I don't like. Tried to envision and remember the feelings I used to have and seriously it is like trying to remember how it felt to be around someone who has been gone a long time. I am not emotionless because when I think about all of this stuff and write it down I tear up, which I quickly put a stop to in fear of total loss of control. What if I have lost the ability to feel deep affection? That scares me so much. Can you have a mental illness that changes how you feel about stuff? Lord I am sad!!!! These thoughts are such a burden. There is no one to share them with that they won't bother or that can help. Sometimes I just get so tired of being me. Writing about this is causing me pain. Just need to keep moving through life and not think. Wish sleeping didn't actually cause me physical pain because I would do a lot more of it.

  The Story Of The Jiggle Frog

Once upon a time, there was a little frog.  He was small and green with tiny yellow spots.  He lived on a log, solid and warm, that floated in a quiet peaceful pond.  The pond was surrounded by cattails and beautiful green grasses that swayed in the wind as if dancing to a song.

All day long the little frog hopped on his log wishing for a friend.  As the calm quiet night fell over the pond, the little green frog would curl up on his log and dream.  He would dream a song, a song calling to a friend.

           Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I'm a little frog
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I live on a log
     
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      I hop all day
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      Come and play

      Come and play
      Come and play
      Come and play with me

In a cozy house a short distance away there lived a sturdy little boy full of energy and sunshine.  He smiled and played the day away happy as can be.  One warm sunny day the little boy ventured across the distance to the pond.  With his happy blue eyes he spied the little green frog.  He was so delighted with his discovery that he began to sing. 

      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle  
        You're a little frog
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      You live on a log   
       
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      You hop all day
      Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
      Can I come and play

      Can I come and play
      Can I come and play
      Can I come and play with you

To this day the little green frog with tiny yellow spots and the sturdy little boy who is full of sunshine are the best of friends.


A little story based on song I used to sing to Michael when his was a baby.