why things that were fun now aren't

So we got a new computer tower, an Asus that comes with Windows 7. Works good but the graphics are different which is hurting my eyes and the keyboard is not as easy for me. Also all of my pics aren't on here so it feels naked. Not sure if I will reload with my pics or just get new ones here and there. Either way for some reason I am now very bored with this computer stuff.

life as i see it by jackie: Just because

life as i see it by jackie: Just because

Just because

She pushed open the weathered door to the dilapidated farm house. The hinges squealed with protest, echoing along the dark and dusty hall. If there was life left in this house, she just warned it of her coming. The hallway was narrow with one door on the right immediately upon entering. Two more doors on the left divided the wall into thirds. There are small light fixtures attached to the wall on the right side of each door. The wallpaper's pattern is almost indistinguishable in the dim light but she had a sense of tiny flowers. This may have been a preconceived concept due to the fact it was a farmhouse but this was what she thought she saw. She stood considering which door to investigate first, with a tentative step forward she approached the first door on the left. The dust swirled around her feet like life forms seeking attention only visible because of the waning light from the still open front door. Not knowing what to expect beyond the door she now faced, she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her small flashlight, switching it on. The artificial light almost seemed alien in this quiet space from another time. Taking a deep breath and fighting back a niggling sense of fear she grasped the door handle to open the door only to be stopped. She turned the handle again and again before admitting to herself that the way was locked to her. Her sense of disappointment warred with her sense of relief, relief that she didn't actually have to face what was beyond the door. And yet what could it be anyway, after all it was just an abandoned farmhouse. Taking another deep breath she continued on to the second door on the left thinking it was probably locked also. Grabbing the handle of the second door she was startled by the squeak of a door opening and a stirring of the dust forms at her feet. Quickly glancing at the door that had been locked, she found herself looking into a room with the flicker of a light shining out. With her heart in her throat she returned to the first doorway. To be continued.......

So What did You Expect?

You act like a dark and dismal cloud

Pushing away all forms of concern

You wallow in your self-pity

A constant refrain of poor me

falling from you lips

You expect everyone to understand

when you don't understand

You spend precious time just

being miserable

Why don't you just stop?

You could pretend it is all okay

You could just deal with the way it is

You can try to push through the fog

You could, you should, you don't

They stay away and let you be

They don't ask or offer answers

They move on

What did you expect?

Trying to rid myself of the nothingness

I am so sad and depressed, feeling which I cannot abide.

I have always thought that these feelings were over talked about and too much power given to them.

I realize now that sometimes feelings are beyond your control and logical reasoning.

I am sad and don't know how to be not sad.

Even if everything in my world went just the way I felt it was supposed to, I think the sad would find it's way in.

It has no logic, it is beyond my control.

I am lonely and feel disconnected to everything and everyone.

There is no logic in this, it just is.

I am on here writing about this because I don't know what else to do.

I want to sleep but the body will only sleep so much.

I just want not to be, but not really, I think I want to feel good again but can't see it.

Life has changed and many of the changes are of my own doing and many are in the hands of others.

My family is fractured, my love breaking.

I feel unseen and disconnected.

There isn't even my own connection to myself to grab on to because most of what I am lately makes me want to not be.

I do not want my unhappiness to impact others and yet really what I probably want is someone to make me happy.

How do you stop being unhappy?

Writing is not helping in my struggle today, this becomes very apparent when I start to babble.

I will stop.

Lost in the Grayness

She is lost in a world gone gray, her purpose unclear, she is lost in a world of chaos, her lack of interest in things once dear, she is lost in her own feelings, over thought and unwelcome, she is lost in her own reasoning, not sound and overwhelming, she is lost and crying, yet no one can hear, she is lost and hurting, and won't let anyone near, she is lost while still existing, not knowing what she should do, she is lost to herself, she is lost