Needing to Vent Without the world knowing

I have feelings that just roll around inside me with no place to go. I am finally in a house but now I feel like a ghost walking this space. I never seem to be happy. What am I supposed to do with myself. I understand that my family has their own life and issues but do they ever wonder about me. Does everyone think I can spend my days cleaning or crafting or facebook surfing and be happy? Does my man not understand? Of course he doesn't. I am so sad all of the time. I worry about things I can't control and want everyone to be safe and happy even if it isn't my job to do that. This makes me anxious. I could just stay in bed and no one would know. If I stayed in bed and got up an hour before the man came home I could get any chores that needed to be done done and he would never know. I guess everyone thinks I am lucky to not have to work or go anywhere etc etc. But mostly I feel stuck just stuck. 

Being a negative sort of person

 I realize I only really write stuff here when I need to get negative feelings off my chest.

You see I don't really want to give them to the real people in my life and they can't really help anyway.

My life seems so unnecessary these days.

I get up every morning with the feeling of what is the sense.

I eat, drink coffee, make the bed and shower.

I do what ever chores need to be done though somethings get left by the wayside because of that what is the sense feeling.

I check social media like there will be magic there but as we all know there isn't.

Sometimes I walk to the store for a few things but all that does is remind me that I am older and tire easier and that things don't make you feel happier.

Sometimes I will create stuff, crafts, paintings or such.

But that also brings on the what the sense feeling. Making stuff to add to the stuff I have surrounding me.

I will show photos of my creations on social media expecting some magic I guess. Nope magic has fled my life.

I am disconnected. I am in a relationship but I have become angered because I feel disconnected.

I am angry at him for something he cannot help and I also feel bad that I am this way which makes me angrier and so very very sad.

So sad that I can't breathe.

So sad that I feel like I want to be sick.

I have family but yet still feel disconnected. Always afraid they will see how dark I am. 

I am disconnected.

Long Distance Love

 Traveled to South Carolina to visit my son and his family. Done right it is a 14 hour trip without major incident. Took a bit longer on the way down because of traffic delays. I am not the driver because I actually don't drive. Rich is stuck with the job of getting us places which bothers me a bit but I am his helpmate on the trip. Sometimes though I want to yell at him for getting so impatient and sometimes I get scared because as a passenger you have no control. All of those big trucks are very intimidating and when there is construction it is far worse. Still I think we make a pretty good team. It was so nice to see Daniel and Mikayla and my grandbabies. We had three days of doing stuff together which was great and exhausting at the same time. It was so much better when they lived here but I understand that they have to live their own lives. I am thankful that they aren't across the country because I pretty much would never see them. Still even a 14 hour trip is so long and costs are so high that I have to accept that visits won't be frequent. Even typing that made me sad but it is what it is. So I will send them my long distance love. Text and call and facetime once in awhile will have to suffice. Still the kiddos are hard to talk to long distance because they don't pay attention and why should they. It will have to do until the next trip to get those wonderful feeling hugs that only family can give.

A Grandma Reading a Story

 

Being in a relationship

 I realize that I am not good at this relationship thing. I pretty much like to do what I like to do without worrying about what someone is going to think. That being said I constantly seem to worry about what someone is going to think. What a contradiction. I sometimes do things that I am pretty sure my partner wouldn't agree with because it is what I want to do. Like paint the front door red. So I did that today and it turned into quite the mess. I taped up a tarp so that I wouldn't spray past the door; that almost worked well. What I didn't account for was the spray coming back at me and down the hallway. I was so intent on get the door covered that I just didn't notice. When I got finished with the door I noticed there was overspray all down the hall. My brain just about exploded. I spent over two hours cleaning the mess hoping that I hadn't gotten spray anyplace important. The thing is, if I lived alone I would feel stupid and move on. I don't live alone so I feel stupid and am worried about another person's reaction. That just doesn't feel right but it is what it is. I wish I was better at these things.

Hating the sound of your own voice

 I made a video today of me reading a favorite book of my eldest daughter. She is in her forties and I am giving her the copy of the book that I have had all of these years. I decided I wanted to record myself reading it one last time just in case one of the grandchildren would like to hear it. It was not a comfortable experience trying to record, read and turn the pages. When I watched it the video itself was not too bad but my voice is awful. I have never liked the sound of my own voice even when I was younger. When I was younger if I heard a recorded version of my voice it always seemed unrecognizable. Too high pitched and not what I thought I sounded like. Now that I am older my voice sounds gravelly even to my own ears when I am speaking. The recorded version of my voice amplifies that gravelly sound to me. It is not pretty but I need to accept that it is me and is probably what everyone is used to.

Using technology when you aren't tech savvy

 I really have no idea what I am doing when I write in this Blog. I basically use it like an electronic journal but with the old fashioned idea that it is a typewriter. I am sure there must be more people like me. I really don't understand how to type a paper on the computer either. Every time I have had to type something up for some reason I have used Notebook on my computer but if it gets too long and I try to print it I usually end up with a mess. Technology is helpful and irritating at the same time. I mostly try not to think about it too hard. Use what I can and avoid what causes me stress. Maybe I just don't like doing hard things. At this point in life if I have to think too hard I am liable to break out in a sweat. Since I don't really have any readers I guess I can just go on writing random stuff and adding random pictures to my hearts content. For anyone who has read anything I have written, thank you for making the effort.