Fall Time Is Here

It is almost the middle of October and finally the leaves are starting to really get some color.  I need to get a move on and

start some fall and Halloween decorating done.  I don't have the urge quite as much as previous years but I still will get it done since the grandkids kind of expect it.  I do wish accessing the decorations wasn't quite so difficult but wishing doesn't get the job done.  So within the next week or so I hope to get some decorating done and to find enjoyment in the season.

A Walk Can Ease The Heavy Load

I took a walk into the woods one day
A path away from the busy road
I was looking to find a way
To relieve my heavy mental load
My mind was full of what and whys
Emotions fighting to be free
The days were filled with sadness and sighs
I didn't seem to know what was wrong with me
I came upon a clearing filled with light
No sounds from the road did I hear
This place it just felt so right
Like a voice telling me not to fear
I gazed upon this gift from nature
Soaking up the light and pretty sounds
My mental load has eased I'm sure
Because of this place I found

Mother's Day and Other Holidays

I am no longer a big fan of holidays.  I used to love the excuse to do special things and go visiting but now holidays are just another thing I have to figure out.  What do we do, how do we do it, where do we go, who goes, who needs transportation, how long does it last, how much is it going to cost, are there going to be bad feelings and disappointments. I do not perceive life in a happy form of mind anymore. Anytime I try something comes along and knocks the happy right out of my mind. I want to be a duck and let stuff just run off my back but I am not a duck.  I am a sponge and when I absorb happy and bad, the happy runs out like the water and the bad clings like the dirt.  I am a nasty used sponge.

Letting Someone Down

When you have to be the one to end childhood beliefs it kind of stinks.  I am the grandma and I shouldn't have to be the one to keep up appearances for holiday beliefs.  I have been there and done that and now I just want to be the grandma. How old is old enough anyway for a child to not believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny or even the Tooth Fairy for goodness sake.  I don't remember anyone ever actually telling me the truth; I just figured it out but didn't make a big deal about it.  I have never been able to actually say to my own kids that there is no Santa etc and I don't want to actually say it to my grandson but it is hard to come up with other ways to let him know that he should let it go and lately my tongue just wants to let loose. I will just have to stay busy to avoid saying anything that I will regret.

Where have I gone

I feel all askew lately.  I feel like I have lost who I am or at least who I thought I was.  My connections to people and even things feel all wrong. It is the holiday season and it just does not feel right.  Where is the joy, the excitement, the connection to family and even memories?  I am going through the motions in an effort to get the emotional switch to turn on but the energy is not there.  I am beginning to think that part of me has died and left this shell of who I once was behind. If I continue in this path until I leave this world will I just be done or is there a shadow of me somewhere that I can reconnect with on some other plane?  I feel horrifyingly empty.

Sometimes Life Affects Your Ability To Breathe

Seems like every day I hold my breath a bit.  I hold my breath so I don't cry.  I hold my breath so I don't say things that can't be unsaid.  I hold my breath like that will keep everything held together.  I hold my breath and I cannot breathe.  I hold my breath and no longer experience the freedom of just living life as it is.  I hold my breath.

A Sad Day

So sad all of the time
So overwhelmed all of the time
Uncomfortable around people, overly irritated by things they say or do
Mumbling under my breath about these things that irritate me, because I either realize that the irritation is irrational or I am afraid of voicing my thoughts, afraid that I will get caught up in the whirlwind
When do you figure it is time to stop trying to make something out of an idea
What is love, why does it hold us captive in it's intensity and in it's waning
How do you come to terms with change
How do you move forward
Do you stay in the same story until the plot becomes twisted and lost and you become a character not really needed
When you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, how can you expect others to be comfortable with you
How do you not resent people not really seeing you, only seeing you in conjunction with who they are
How do you expect people to see and know you if you don't really know yourself anymore
How do you stop thoughts of I wish I could just take my sorry ass out of here so no one has to bother with pretending they are interested or care
Why does the thought I will just take my ball and go home keep running through my head
Especially since the term home hasn't got a lot of meaning anymore
When you have lost the ability to comfort yourself and you will not be comforted by others, there is a constant feeling of pain or an itch that can't be scratched
It can be tamped down so the world need not know but it is always there and bursts through occasionally like lava breaking through the earth's surface only to crust over until the next eruption