The Dangerous Lure of Dreaming

Since I have been having a hard time dealing with life this year; my dreams seems to grab hold of me and it is hard to force myself out of bed.  If it weren't for alarms and the fact that the human body will actually only stay asleep so long I could be tempted to just stay asleep forever. Dreams are like short stories, they catch your interest but are over before you tire of them.  Your brain is so full of information that there are endless possibilities for the creation of these snippets of interaction in the dreamworld and yet it seems like your consciousness is aware of the non-reality that is going on.  Thus there is no lasting effect of whatever dream you have.  If you are dreaming something that starts to feel too real or is upsetting, you wake a bit, turn over and basically change the channel.  There are times when the dream is insistent though and that is probably a message come from the reality inside your head.  Unfortunately I can't seem to figure anything out either in real life or in dreams so those insistent dreams are not my favorite.  

Fall Time Is Here

It is almost the middle of October and finally the leaves are starting to really get some color.  I need to get a move on and

start some fall and Halloween decorating done.  I don't have the urge quite as much as previous years but I still will get it done since the grandkids kind of expect it.  I do wish accessing the decorations wasn't quite so difficult but wishing doesn't get the job done.  So within the next week or so I hope to get some decorating done and to find enjoyment in the season.

A Walk Can Ease The Heavy Load

I took a walk into the woods one day
A path away from the busy road
I was looking to find a way
To relieve my heavy mental load
My mind was full of what and whys
Emotions fighting to be free
The days were filled with sadness and sighs
I didn't seem to know what was wrong with me
I came upon a clearing filled with light
No sounds from the road did I hear
This place it just felt so right
Like a voice telling me not to fear
I gazed upon this gift from nature
Soaking up the light and pretty sounds
My mental load has eased I'm sure
Because of this place I found

Mother's Day and Other Holidays

I am no longer a big fan of holidays.  I used to love the excuse to do special things and go visiting but now holidays are just another thing I have to figure out.  What do we do, how do we do it, where do we go, who goes, who needs transportation, how long does it last, how much is it going to cost, are there going to be bad feelings and disappointments. I do not perceive life in a happy form of mind anymore. Anytime I try something comes along and knocks the happy right out of my mind. I want to be a duck and let stuff just run off my back but I am not a duck.  I am a sponge and when I absorb happy and bad, the happy runs out like the water and the bad clings like the dirt.  I am a nasty used sponge.

Letting Someone Down

When you have to be the one to end childhood beliefs it kind of stinks.  I am the grandma and I shouldn't have to be the one to keep up appearances for holiday beliefs.  I have been there and done that and now I just want to be the grandma. How old is old enough anyway for a child to not believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny or even the Tooth Fairy for goodness sake.  I don't remember anyone ever actually telling me the truth; I just figured it out but didn't make a big deal about it.  I have never been able to actually say to my own kids that there is no Santa etc and I don't want to actually say it to my grandson but it is hard to come up with other ways to let him know that he should let it go and lately my tongue just wants to let loose. I will just have to stay busy to avoid saying anything that I will regret.

Where have I gone

I feel all askew lately.  I feel like I have lost who I am or at least who I thought I was.  My connections to people and even things feel all wrong. It is the holiday season and it just does not feel right.  Where is the joy, the excitement, the connection to family and even memories?  I am going through the motions in an effort to get the emotional switch to turn on but the energy is not there.  I am beginning to think that part of me has died and left this shell of who I once was behind. If I continue in this path until I leave this world will I just be done or is there a shadow of me somewhere that I can reconnect with on some other plane?  I feel horrifyingly empty.

Sometimes Life Affects Your Ability To Breathe

Seems like every day I hold my breath a bit.  I hold my breath so I don't cry.  I hold my breath so I don't say things that can't be unsaid.  I hold my breath like that will keep everything held together.  I hold my breath and I cannot breathe.  I hold my breath and no longer experience the freedom of just living life as it is.  I hold my breath.