Sad is not a good feeling

Sad is not a good feeling, especially when it is an unreasonable sad. If you can't bring yourself to address the problems in your life that are making you sad then it is unreasonable to be sad. Still the sad is there and it is an undeniable feeling coursing through your body, threatening to take over all of the time. You just keep moving hoping you can hide what you are feeling and what you are thinking. Sometimes you are not even sure what you are thinking so you just don't say or do anything, try to sleep or feign sleep, anything to keep Sad at bay.

  SAD IS NOT A GOOD FEELING

Where did the me I recognize go?

When did I become someone who I don't really recognize? How did this creep up on me? MY feelings are foreign to me and my reactions that of a stranger. When I am alone I think I know how things are and how they can be but as soon as I am around others I spin out of control. Oh it isn't always noticeable because most of the time I can hide it but inside there are all of these question marks and exclamation points flying around having a war. There isn't anywhere for me to turn because in the end it is all me. I have to get a handle on things, I have to decide what direction to turn, I have to figure out who I am. I can't turn to God because my mind says it isn't a logical thing, one higher being controlling it all or even guiding it all, not possible, not probable, and not really a comfortable idea. Higher power? The not logical mind says it rests in all of us, that (God) is power radiating off of every living and non-living thing in the universe and our ability to tap into it for any reason. If that is the case one can understand the evil that is around because that power exists also and the good because there is that power too. But in the end my logical mind has lost all ability for fantasy, feeling like every thing that I feel and do is the result of the neurons in my brain not firing correctly. That this life is all there is and really why bother. But still there is an iota of hope because nothing in this universe seems to be set in stone, even things that are predictable a million times over sometimes veer off the predictable path. Even if (God ) isn't some benign power watching over us, maybe the power floating around this universe can help instead of hurt. Maybe you just have to let yourself be open to help. And that is the hardest thing of all.

browser confusion causing internet fear

Being new to the internet even though it has been five years, I have tried one browser after another. Speed is the real issue and then when you experience speed any lag seems very very long. In actuality the time is very short but now you are used to doing many things in the space of a few seconds so irritation quickly sets in. I am now using firefox mozilla and am not sure if it is the right one but we shall see.
Maybe my son is correct and I should just stay off the computer.

going dead inside

Going Dead Inside

by Jackie Reeder on Monday, September 26, 2011 at 9:09am

Sometimes you can feel like you are going dead inside.

The things that used to envoke strong feelings no longer do.

The things you used to care about fade to the background of existence.

Every day gets harder and harder because the reasons for being no longer seem to matter.

Existing? What is the sense in just existing in a world with no joy or purpose?

Put one step in front of the other, plod, plod, plod.

You know this isn't the way it should be or the way you want it to be.

Trying to pretend that you are alive and the same as ever may work for a little while.

Yet it gets harder and harder to put on an acceptable face for the world.

It is so tiring and probably even unneccesary because the world sees what it wants.

Why am I dying inside? What is the cause? Why can't I get past this? 

I feel scooped out, a shell with no substance that will soon collapse from the pressure around me.

I do not want this to be the way it is, yet the more I try to recover my balance the more unbalanced I become.

I am lost, on a dark road only I can see; the dying inside myself blinds me to any paths of salvation.

Remembering

It was a normal day, or a least that is what we all thought. I had gotten Daniel off to school and gotten dressed to go to work. It was a day that I would catch the 11:00 bus to Whitesboro. Sat down on the couch to watch some television before I left and there was something on about a major event happening. I saw smoke coming from the tower. When the newscaster started talking about a plane crashing into the building, my mind wondered how that could have happened and then when the second one hit and they started talking about the plane crashing into the pentagon my mind started to whirl. I am sure I am remembering this jumbled but it was such an intense moment and after ten years I might be mixed up a bit. Still I do remember. The order doesn't really matter does it? What matters is how the way you felt stayed with us all after all of this time. I remember feeling at first like it wasn't really happening. When it sank in that they were suggesting terrorism, my mind and heart screamed, oh my God, here we go. Even at that instance you couldn't help but realize that life had changed forever. I sat, I watched, I cringed, I wondered how many people were inside and how they were getting out. And then the tower fell, goosebumps rise on my neck even as write that. I will never forget the things that I saw and sometimes I wish news coverage wasn't as great as it was or that I had already been on the bus. Still the fact that I was in my living room and watched this event unfold as it happened is a great testament of how technology can unite the world. I wasn't there and yet I was. My mind screamed, my heart cried and I wished there was something I could do. We all experienced shock and pain that day and many days to follow. Anger soon followed for many and as is the way of the human mind that anger might have been directed towards many who didn't deserve it. Ten years have gone by and the memories linger and there still residual pain for many. I only hope that we all realize that there is evil in this world but that the whole world isn't evil. Do not lose sight of the wonderful things all people can and will do. Do not label a group of people as evil if they share the same heritage as the few who did this evil thing. Do try to see through others eyes and feel what they might feel, difficult as that always is. Remember a dreadful time but do not relive it over and over giving anger and despair power to control how life is lived. There have been dreadful things happening in the history of the human race since day one. Let us try to learn from it and hope we eventually rise above our baser instincts. Life is a road lined with great and wonderful things and also many dangers and pitfalls. All anyone can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

sketches

fractured senses

my bird that appeared in the doodle I was doing

just a note

I am in a strange mood once again. I can't honestly remember the last time I was genuinely happy without any reservations. Any feeling of happiness or joy always has a trailer of (but still) attached to it. I really think this aging thing is getting to me way too much, did I think I was never going to age. Maybe I need counseling on how to handle it. What I would really like is for it not to happen. I advise anyone to find something in life that defines them besides how they look or how they feel physically because those two things are the ones that change drastically and unless you have something else you just might be lost. I do have other things that define me to me but still when I look in the mirror or groan just trying to stand I just want to burst into tears and hide. I really hate feeling this way but can't figure out a solution. Really I just want to stop caring about such things. I just want to be happy, to enjoy the person that I am without criticizing everything that makes me me. Not only do I judge myself harshly, I find that I am laying judgement on others and intolerance is becoming part of me. I feel like my personality is evolving in a way that is distasteful to me and without any direct involvement from me. I know that doesn't make sense but it is that whole feeling like I am in this world and also slightly to the side of myself. This feeling is very hard to make people understand but that is because it is inside my head not theirs. This is just a note to make some of these thoughts go quiet inside my brain for a bit.