When You Aren't Comfortable In Your Life

It is so hard being in a relationship. Worrying about whether the person you are with will get mad a something as trivial as having your family over. Granted said family has caused me grief but that doesn't mean I never want to see them. I should be able to make decisions without worry. It's not even that he says anything, it is the body language. And if I brought it up there would be the denial which makes me question myself. I am so sad about everything now that I just wish it were all done sometimes. So I come up here and hide my feelings and think about how this is the way it is and it will never be different and there is no solution. I will write this down and then I will try to create to ease my mind but the way I feel right now, I just don't know. I just don't know.

 

Sadness in My Older Age

 I have dealt with feeling sadness all of my adult life. The day to day activities of life can sometimes keep it to the back of my mind but lately it is in the forefront more often. I have lost two sisters within months of each other. One was ill and it was expected and one was not so totally a shock. They both were in their eighties so long lives but still hard to deal with. 

What this has done to me is once again made me feel confronted by my mortality. I am almost sixty seven which doesn't seem that old in today's world. Yet I suddenly feel like I am near the end of my life and it is a bit frightening. I feel like I should be preparing but cannot seem to put that into action. Should I be disposing of the multitude of material things I have? Or should I just enjoy my things and let the world take care of it when I am gone? I am leaning toward the latter because I do define myself by my things. The worse thing lately is the stark loneliness that I feel. I have family and am in a relationship yet feel decidedly alone. I have various things to keep me busy yet they hold no appeal as of late. This feeling of nothing really matters keeps trying to grab hold of me. As I sit here writing this I am listening to music because silence is hard to bear. It amplifies the loneliness. I have not painted or created in quite awhile because of that feeling of nothing matters creates a sense of why bother. I know this is depression but knowing does not always help. So I am writing about this weight of sadness here to try to maybe ease it a little.