Christmas and Sadness

This Christmas season is difficult. Life goes on even as we try to have a storybook holiday time. Why are we always trying to live a storybook life? Why is real life so hard that we spend so much time pretending that things are different? Bad things happen even when we are expecting the best of times. Death is as much a part of life as birth but it is much more trying. How to deal with the impending loss of a loved one at the time of year when you are expecting cheer. How to deal with the woes of loved ones when you are in no position to help. How to deal with your own feelings of inadequacy and what feels like a spiralling lack of control. The answer seems to be that we just push through everything that is happening. It all seems like an endurance test with no actually prize at the end. There is a sense of failure that permeates my brain. A sense of worthlessness. All because I can't control the fact that life is definitely not about happy ending. It is all just a mess.

Realization

I have come to realize that a large portion of my life has been ruled by negativity. When I was younger and had many things on my plate the negativity stayed somewhat in the background, visible only in journal writings and a need to escape from everything once in awhile. Now that I am older the negativity has moved to the forefront of my existence. The impact this might have on others around me is worrisome and yet the negative gremlin in my brain whispers that no one actually cares. I wish for happiness for everyone I know and worry about loved ones all of the time. Lately I have begun to think that the worry I feel for others is actually a worry I have for myself. Why can I not be happy? Why do I feel this way? Why does nothing every quite feel "right"? I think it might be a perspective thing, like I am looking at myself and life through a skewed mirror. And I am judgmental of others choices and more so of my own. Yet when I am judgmental of others I berate myself for it. My whole life seems to be a back and forth of I feel and think this way but what right do I have to feel and think that way. Basically I just feel crazy most of the time. I wish sometimes I could have God but though I don't discount completely the idea I find I cannot truthfully embrace it. It just doesn't feel correct to me. I would like to be energetic about life, positive about life, connected to life, and mostly feel a purpose in life. Maybe I would really like to be honest about how I feel about everything in life but find that no one really wants that kind of honesty so I will just be until I am not.

Every Day I Feel This Way

I am sad and I feel stupid about it. My relationships with my children are sporadic. Life is a challenge. My relationship with the man in my life isn't really a relationship anymore. I put myself here so I blame myself but that doesn't make me less sad, only more. I am so lonely that I don't want to get up in the morning but I don't want to sleep either because my dreams are just damned disturbing. I don't know what I am supposed to do about all of this, I am lost. I guess I will just keep pretending that nothing matters and yet it all matters.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING I HAVE

IS IT THE AIR
IS IT THE COLD
IS IT MY AGE
AFTER ALL I AM OLD

IS IT MY LIFE
IS IT MY THOUGHTS
IS IT DELUSION
IT FEELS ALL FOR NAUGHT

IS IT DEPRESSION
IS IT A SICKNESS
IS IT SELF-PITY
WHY FEEL SO WORTHLESS

IS IT THE END
IS IT FOR NOW
IS IT ETERNITY
JUST WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME