She Was Born Broken

She was born broken yet no one ever guessed.  She was an average baby, maybe a little small but nothing extraordinary going on there.  Growing up in a large family nothing popped to show that maybe she saw things different than the rest of the world. Heck she didn't even realize that she was broken for the longest time. Her first indication that she might be different might have been when her brother died in a car accident. She was only ten after all and it all  happened so fast and then her daddy died shortly after.  All of this sent her life into a spin that she had no control over and the fear began to set in.  The what ifs and what would she do thoughts. Her family was uprooted to a new place to be near other family for support and yet she was continuously afraid.  What if there was a fire what would she do? You see mommy was in a wheel chair and her little sister was her everything so she couldn't lose them right? She had to go to a new school on a different bus than her sister for the first year and that was just so weird and unacceptable. She was scared! It was just them in the country house during the week when her big sister wasn't there and what if there was a fire? She played scenes in her head to come up with solutions but she was ten! She cried a lot because she didn't know how to tell people what was going on inside her head. She kept a lot of things from people because she never knew how to make them feel what she felt. Well folks of course she got through this part of her life but it set a precedence, a system of living and surviving and being scared without really being able to understand why or tell anyone.  After all she really didn't want to be a bother.  As she grew into adolescence her life experiences were probably right up there with every one else's. Friends were a hard thing but she managed a bit, still there was always this feeling of being the tag along the outsider. She was a bit loud and a bit flamboyant maybe to cover the fear that was always lurking in the shadows. The fear that no one really wanted to be with her or hear her.  She read a lot of books as she grew up and into young adulthood because reality didn't quite give her what she needed. The need to be part of something was so strong that she made some choices that probably weren't the best.  Choices that directed her life into what it would become. Now there were choices she could have made that would probably have been worse; yet as she looks back she realizes that the need to be wanted by someone controlled pretty much her every move. Where this need came from is baffling because this girl's family loved her let there be now doubt about that. This is where the,

she was born broken comes in, this constant need for more, more feeling, more recognition, more stimulation running along side constant fear and need for control. As the woman she is now looks back over the many years that have gone by, remembering and reading things that she has written; she realizes or maybe just self-diagnoses the fact that: She was born broken yet no one ever guessed. 

I Am Tired Of Being Me

Here I am again complaining about being me. This time I am complaining because I realize how hard it must be to be around me when I am like this, so I am requesting to no longer be me.  I feel so unhappy and cranky all of the time and I know that the vibe is just radiating off of me and coloring other people's environments.  I just do not know what to do.  Just be happy you say? Well that is easy to say but not easy to do.  I can decide I am no longer going to look at life like it is a horrible survival experience but the feelings are inside of me are warring with the decision, showing me that I am just lying to myself.  I couldn't even begin to say what would make me happy because just about everything is just too much to bear.  Go to work, come home blah blah blah. I really just want to no longer be me, I just no longer want to be.