I Think I have Lived My Lifetime

I lay in bed yesterday trying to get rid of a headache and thoughts of my life started running through my brain. Visions of the past near and far chased each other for attention and a thought managed to sneak through the chaos; I have had a lifetime. Now I am in my fifties so I probably shouldn't be having a thought like that with a period on the end but that is exactly how it felt. Of course I have been really out of sorts lately so that could be the reason but I am not sure. Try thinking back on your life, try to remember being a child, a teenager, a young adult etc etc etc. Think of the people you have known, loved, hated and just bumped into. Peruse the newsstand in you head and review the events that have occurred since you became aware of the world around you. Think of your children and their lives and maybe your grandchildren and their lives. The more you think the more your brain becomes full and the thought I have had a lifetime pops up. Now I know that there will probably be more to this life but I can't see or feel connected to the rest of it. It feels like the main chapters are written and only the epilogue is left. Still sometimes that can be the best part of the story.

When memories from your childhood crash around in your brain

Finding life difficult these days. Perhaps this is why I am sleeping too much and when I am lying there my brain is trying to retrieve childhood memories. These memories don't flow into sight easily; they pop up hither and yon and then make me try to remember other things. I have a hard time remembering some things and am not always sure that the memories are true or if they are the product of other memories and impressions. As I lay there trying to recall elusive information from a past that gets farther away as the years go by I begin to realize that these memories do not really matter. I get the feeling of that was then and this is now and tomorrow, now will once again be then so what does it matter.  Still I suppose these memories are what makes parts of us who we are so when we can't recall something we should know it sets up a whirlwind of anxiety inside the brain. I have a brother who I haven't seen in a multitude of years so memories of him are more from childhood than anything else. I was trying to recall the names of his children last night and I succeeded until I got to my niece and her name is right there on the tip of my brain but it must be caught on a snag. I will have to ask my sister when I see her. She will remember. I think I forget things about other people because I am so absorbed in myself, which is why I find life difficult. When people treat me kindly it makes me uncomfortable because I don't really believe I deserve it. I feel like they see an image of me that is untrue. It is not that I believe I am a bad person but I do not involve myself in humanity enough to be treated kindly. Lord I am sad.