who do i ask for help?

I sit alone and I weep. What is it that you weep for you ask? That is just the thing, I can not even begin to tell you. Oh I could start and then the words will get tangled in my thoughts making me sound as crazy as I feel. There are so many tiny things beating at my conscience that it all takes on the form of a darkness that I can't escape. I try to stay busy or stay still; yet the darkness is there. It is like a shadow just behind or in front whispering that nothing can be done. It will go wrong anyway. Run, don't run, stay, don't stay, pretend, face the facts. I feel like a character with two or more faces whose head is just going around and around only stopping briefly on any one feeling. A tornado of emotion swirling around in my head always. Ideas of what life is supposed to be, a vision of what life could be, a dissatisfaction of what life is. Yet no real plan for life at all. It is all a fairy-tale of my own making with way to many sub-plots and possible endings. Uncomfortable with being boxed in I still long for a black and white plan to follow. An instruction book on life if you may, a black and white proof of what is wrong and what is right. No gray areas, those gray areas are what makes my head spin. Is all this unhappiness a result of circumstances, health issues, guilt feeling, a cold dose of reality or as Scrooge said a bit of bad meat that has interrupted my digestion causing these hallucinations of my life falling apart? I kind of know deep down that I am my own worst enemy. I have unrealistic expectations without the backbone to make those expectations come about. Why can't I express myself to the ones I love? Why is it the thought of trying to make my feelings clear to someone only brings visions of their blank stares. Those looks that make me cringe and look inward upon myself, wondering why I am bothering people with these things.

Maybe a list of my unrealistic thoughts would help. Wishes as you may.

A. I wish I had confidence and pride in who I am.

B. I wish for harmony within my family, for I alway felt that we could withstand anything as long as we had each other.

C. I wish I could forgive myself for my humanity even if others cannot.

D. I wish for laughter and craziness of the good sort, the kind that makes you feel renewed.

E. I wish for an eagerness for life.

F. I wish to be comfortable enough in my inner self to not worry about the outer shell.

G. I wish to feel like someone gets me and to actually understand or to be able to convey the understanding of that fact.

H. I desperately wish for good lives for my children even if it isn't my definition of a good life.

I. I wish for the energy to move forward in life and to want it to be a long life.

J. I wish that something I do in life has some kind of positive effect somewhere somehow.

K. I wish to get the ambition to make some of my dreams come true.

L. I wish to come to a place in life where my family swarms around me and there is joy.

M. I wish to shed this shadow of darkness.

N. I wish to be Jackie and have it matter but not too much.

O. I wish to believe there will be something more after death but I am not sure anymore.

P. I wish to be more than I am.

Q. I wish to be okay if this is all I am.

on being alone

Sometimes I feel better when I am alone. I don't mean not being in a relationship, I mean alone. Sometimes when I am alone and don't have to communicate with other human beings a smile will come unbidden to my face. When I am walking down a street or doing my art or reading thoughts fly in and out of my head. I observe the way the tree branches look against a cloudy sky, a bird taking wing, the different colors of fall blending in such a wonderful dance. When I am doing my art I just let happen what wants to but sometimes fret when and idea is there but won't take shape. If I just let go of the idea and let anything happen it is more relaxing. When I am reading I can immerse myself in the story or just be on the fringe of it while connecting it to my life in some way. When I am doing all of these things alone I can let go of the anxiety that has entered my brain. But yet even as I do these things alone a part of my brain insists on wanting to share these things with others. A part of my brain wants to be part of a whole. Yet when that part of my brain activates the anxiety starts to come back to plague me. I doubt if I will ever feel like what I think, feel or care about can possibly be of importance to others. This is not the fault of others, it is all me.

When you deny things are in a mess

It is amazing how we go through life in a constant sense of denial. Things aren't right and we just pretend not to notice or just don't speak of it. Every once in a while thoughts and words slip out but we turn our backs on them with great dexterity. The next day comes along and we are once again in pretend mode. The life we thought we had probably never really existed anyway. It was probably just a side effect of the attraction that struck like lightning. After all there had to be a justification to take away the possibility of things being wrong. So a life together was created and so the fiction began. Not that we want it to be fiction, we both probably want it to be real more than anything. But if it were real than how have we gotten to this place of denial? Of just being on the edge of a life. Two people together but not. Afraid to be alone , not knowing how to be together. The tear drops not shed, the words unsaid, the feelings denied, the days lost to the pretense. When will the other shoe drop? Are we just slightly of course with the hope of going around and around until we end up back on the track? Is it the beginning of the end or the end of a beginning? Maybe we just keep moving even if it feels like it is getting us nowhere.

being awake

It is 1:10 a.m. and here I am on the computer. I went to bed very very early because my head hurt. In fact I had barely been up twelve hours when I went to bed. I wasn't so much as tired as unable to figure out what to do with myself with this pain in my head. It is on the left side this time which is unusual and involves my ear. I probably have an ear infection or something but allergy pills and pain pills are not helping. Sometimes I feel like there is a gremlin inside of me trying to get out. I feel like this manifests itself in the various pains I feel on a daily basis. When doesn't my neck hurt? How often do I feel pain free? Actually of late, there hasn't been one moment when I don't feel some sort of pain. Mostly I constantly feel like a complainer talking about being in pain. After all it isn't a pain that causes me to not function at all. It isn't a pain that makes me scream. It isn't pain that I would rate a ten. It is just this constant nag, nag, nag of discomfort. So most times I want to cry or sleep. Unfortunately these things also cause me discomfort. I am sitting here writing this because I am afraid to go back to bed and sleep for two hour intervals. I am afraid that the pain pills I have just taken will not work and the pain in my head will just get worse by morning. Mostly I am almost always afraid. Afraid that nothing will ever feel right again. So I will finish eating my cereal, didn't want to take pills on an empty stomach you know. Then I will finish up here and then I guess I will go back to bed.

Nothing in particular

Today is November first in the year 2010. Oh my I must remember to flip the page of the calender. I am sitting just doing a bit of nothing and decided to write about nothing in particular. Of course nothing in particular might be something very important. Who can ever tell.

My day started with doing nothing much, just watching a movie and then watching more of nothing in particular until my head did protest. I thought about retreating from the pain in my head by going back to sleep and then thought better of it. Thus, I showered and proceeded to let some light in this darkness that I dwell in. No that is not a metaphor, this place actually is usually very dark like a cave. How odd that a lover of light ended up in this place. So for the moment what light mother nature and the power of electricity can offer me is being utilized. There is music playing and I have started some mundane chores that relentlessly call to me. However I am also doing nothing in particular. Just flitting from this to that, possibly accomplishing something in the process and trying not to worry if nothing is actually accomplished. Why is it so hard to just be or do without worrying about an end result? This is a question I struggle with a lot. Well I guess I will get back to doing nothing in particular and see what happens, if anything.