I think I am a bit narcisist

She has arisen to start her day. With so many things she wants and needs to do she will most likely procrastinate and do little. She sits momentarily in front of the computer trying to retrieve photos from the camera memory card. The last transfer from the camera left photos behind. This happens often and she does not understand. She checks the finished operation and sees success. A good sign maybe, who knows. She had a restless night's sleep with varied and unusual dreams. Dreams about a discussion on brushing your teeth and how it is a time when your emotions break through. Dreams about getting everyone to shut up so her view could be heard where she was Monica? from Friends but was also shutting Monica up. Dreams about parties and drunks and babies and traveling over mountains and water. Dreams about strength contests and possibly Willie Nelson? Dreams about orange juice made with milk. A confusing kaleidoscope of images that somehow were real at the time. She is awed and frightened by dreams. She will not pursue the thoughts of them for it strains her mind. She must get back to the photo issue and then do some of the many things on the days to do list. Maybe it should be a to maybe to do list. Ahh, a funny. Ha-ha.

It doesn't seem to want to get warm

The skies are gray today. She is tired of wearing her wool coat, but it was only 39 degrees this morning. They say it won't warm much today and will most likely rain. The rain is welcome she thinks; for her bulbs need the moisture. There is possibility of spring snow; not a welcome event , yet not surprising. She waits to go meet her son this morning as he will be accompanying her on her ride. This breaks up her normal routine which is good but also intrusive.. As she has sat at her corner today listening to the bustle of the establishment; she is quite happy she does not work here. There is a supervisor that is like a little gestapo hen. She is quite sure this person does her job with efficiency but she is a bit scary. Thus the gladness at not working here. Unfortunately her time at her corner table was marred a bit by the tones heard coming from this tiny gestapo-like woman. Thus goes her morning so far.

The strange thoughts I think

A man gets out of a blue pick-up wearing a suit and bow tie. She wonders why. Then she thinks; there is a media event today about the riggie-fest. Hmmm..... The riggie-fest is tomorrow. It could be fun but it is all the way in Utica. Yes, she knows that isn't far but some people would disagree. No matter. The weather is supposed to be nice tomorrow so she will probably spend the whole day outside. She will be happy then; that is if she feels better. It would not be good to spend her days off not feeling well. Randomness coming up!!! Yesterday she stopped in a consignment shop near her work. It has just started so there was not much there. Still she spent six dollars she shouldn't have. The thought of bringing her stuff there to sell entered her mind. She isn't sure if she wants to do that but it is worth considering. There were some framed pieces of a local artist that were very similar to her own odd creations. She felt odd, like something that was just hers wasn't. It was an uncomfortable feeling.

The week seemed long

She is on the fourth day of a five day work week. Sounds normal enough but she is used to working two days and then a day off, then two days and two days off. It doesn't help that she doesn't feel well but seriously she does feel like she is whining. As she sits drinking her morning coffee, she just wants to go home to bed. At least it isn't raining as she anticipated; a bright spot in her day. She will try to enjoy the bright spots and only think about one more day and then three days off. Yet two of those days she will not have the house to herself. She so does like having the house to herself. Maybe if the chores get accomplished on the weekend she can just do whatever she wants on Monday. Still the weather is supposed to be fine on Saturday so she will probably be outside all day. That will be nice unless it worsens the breathing issue this spring has caused. Still it is worth the discomfort she thinks.. She shall have to wait and see.

just another episode

She is at the bus station waiting on the bus. It will be here soon and she will board and choose a seat. She will most likely plug in her ear phones so as to isolate herself from the other passengers. She has been riding this bus so ong that the stories are old and the voices have become a bit annoying. So she plugs in the ear buds and rides in solitude. The solitude that she seems to achieve among others no matter what. Not necessarily a good thing.

just writing about me, why I do not know

She thinks today will seem very long. She is in some discomfort; deep breaths are painful.. It could be a result of her allergies or a cold coming on. Who knows? Of course she just deals with it as she will not seek professional counsel. She realizes that she is stubborn on this matter and a bit irrational. She constantly urges others to seek the help of medical professionals while shunning them herself unless a situation forces it upon her. It is a combination of fear, lack of confidence and denial of the need. She will probably exit this world sooner than absolutely necessary because of this. Yet she feels that to be held in a web of physicians and medications isn't her way so she will go on as she always has. She will deal with discomfort and pain: she will absolutely not seek professional help unless trauma of some sort forces her hand. So when you hear her complain just let it pass over you. She has no one to blame but herself.

stuff from the teeny tiny doodle pad

A few pictures from the tiny doodle pad in my purse. I have gone tiny temporarily due to the weight of my sketchpad bag. It seriously kills my shoulder and actually when added to the weight of my purse is probably not a good thing. So I bought a tiny notebook to sketch and write in. I just ignore the lines when i sketch. Should I even call what I do sketching. No I shouldn't, I should just say doodling because that is what it is.

I believe I have just substituted this for the coloring books of my youth. It is more fun because there is no constraint. I have decided to change them to black and white soon and make them into a coloring book for you all to play with. Of course others might not think that is cool. Most people outgrow coloring I guess. Oh well I have never been most people. Now on to some writing from the teeny tiny doodle pad.

She sits at her corner table on an early morning and has made an observation. The sun has of course already risen as it is the twentieth day of April. What she has observed is that even if she had arrived here earlier this table would no longer have faced the sunrise. Apparently the movement of the earth in the changing season has moved the sunrise off to the left of her view.. She finds this interesting and is a bit sorry that she was unaware or somehow missed this change. As she records this observation she thinks she should be out walking in the early morning light. Still she does not venture outside. The morning is quite chill and she does not feel up to the physical action. So she will lay down pen and pick up marker and pencil. It is time to lose herself in a bit of creating. There is time to start something new before embarking on the next leg of her regular morning journey.

wanting to walk away

She sits in the back room waiting for her soup to heat, wondering how many more years she can deal with this job. It has been over twenty years so far and the job itself is not difficult, really very routine. It is the people, the personalities she must deal with time and time again that seems to be getting harder. Either her perceptions have changed or her tolerance for certain behaviors. One might say such is life when dealing with people daily, but what makes it so difficult now. Sometimes it is fine and nothing eats at her but on other occasions the slightest glance, word or action puts her on edge. She is beginning to feel pushed out, unneeded and unwanted. It is not a pleasant feeling so her mind says whatever and shies away from the truth. She sits waiting for her food realizing that she must continue in this job out of necessity. Should the necessity ever go away, what then. Will she walk away quietly or will there be a volcanic eruption of old anger and resentments. She hopes for the former. She prays to be able to walk away soon.

she sits

She sits in a booth at a popular fast food spot. She is here on several mornings just killing time until her chariot, or bus which ever makes you happy, whisks her away to her corner at the doughnut shop. She normally sits at a table in the corner facing the windows to catch the sunrise. However today her form of communication requires feeding so she must sit near a fuel source. Odd how implements we use to aid us also add extra effort to our day.

A man wearing a denim jacket bearing a likeness of a well-known rodent at a well-known place of entertainment just exited the building. Just another observation she found interesting. Such observations are a way to stay alert as it is very early and she would rather be in bed. Still, early morning observations of other beings in her world helps her to stay grounded to this world. It is too easy to slip into a small world that is all her own.

As she sits at her booth creating yet another piece of her own odd artwork she listens to the music playing in the background. A thought passes through her mind: why do human beings create art, song, story and sometimes thing that do harm?. Why this never-ending need to create? I s it because we are so capable of destruction and waste? Are we attempting to bring balance? If we are but highly evolved animals; what environmental needs are triggering such rapid change in our habits and needs?

As she sits thinking and writing these thoughts, she decides that the answers are not important. The important thing is the creation and the endless possibilities. So she will continue creating things of no apparent use just for the sake of the creating. She will leave a bit of the essence that is her in everything she does as does anyone and everyone who creates something. Thus bits of us all are always out there intermingling to create a wonderful story called life.

Too much time in dunkin donuts

In the corner of the doughnut shop she sits, just as she does several times a week. She doesn't come for the doughnuts but for the coffee. Lately bagels have joined her morning routine; usually cinnamon raisin and an occasional onion. When she walks into the shop; she is recognized and upon emerging from the restroom her coffee is either made or in the process. There is a comfort in being a regular and having her wants anticipated. Yet it is also a discomfort. She is a creature of habit but also of whim. When the coffee is already being made she feels locked into a previous choice. Not wanting to be discourteous, she smiles and accepts what has been prepared for her, though that might not have been her choice for the day. It is a small price to pay for the comfort of the corner in the doughnut shop; where life's aggravations are held at bay temporarily.

So she sits and sips her coffee, that which at one time she avowed was not very good. The coffee has become a symbol of doing for herself. It is a luxury she can ill-afford. A luxury which is probably not the best for her health. A luxury that she will continue in spite of purse and health. It is a self-indulgence she will not give up.

When you see her in her corner at the doughnut shop, smile for she is in a comfort zone. A place to just be for a moment or two. A place where she is just herself with no entanglements. Smile and leave her to herself; for soon the moment will be gone and she will push open the door to leave and return to the real world.

internet game addiction

Well I guess I am addicted to playing these silly online games. I went to sign into Facebook so I could play my Farmville and Facebook is temporarily down. I am so worried about my crops withering that I tried to get to the game in a different way. No go. So seriously it isn't like they are real crops or that it is real money for crying out loud. Still, I probably will stay up a little later than I would of so I can check back and maybe save my harvest. Pitiful isn't it?

On another note I just watched the movie Julie and Julia. It was pretty good. Meryl Streep played a great Julia Child. I actually thought the best part of the movie was the way the relationship between Julia and her husband was portrayed. I remember watching Julia Child and she was not an attractive woman so if the portrayal was somewhat correct it is a beautiful thing.

I didn't get much done today because of a horrific headache this morning. I am pretty sure allergies are the culprit but I am not sure. Still if allergies are the price for nice weather I am willing to pay the price. I took the Easter decorations down and moved a few outdoor things around but that was about it for the day. I did however finish all of the laundry. So I believe I can go to bed feeling somewhat accomplished.

Why do we always have to feel like we accomplished something in our day? I am pretty sure we didn't feel that way as children. We just kept on moving and doing until we fell asleep pretty much wherever we landed. We didn't plan or over think the day. We just lived. Oh to be able to do that now. What a pleasure.