I am a random person and would like to connect to like random people

I would like to start a club of randomness. You know those random thoughts that pop into your head making you think you must be weird. I believe we all have them but a large percentage of us dismiss them like so many dust motes. My belief is that the random thoughts we have are important. They are like mini webs that connect the more solid thoughts in our minds. Besides sometimes a random thought can become a great big solid thought that then can become maybe an action that may cause a major ripple in the time warp continuum. See; a random thought just made it's way out of my mind and into print. Who knows what this might cause; what effect it may have on someone or something. Probably absolutely nothing but there is that tiny chance. Just think. No really just think, without thinking what are we but flesh consuming space better spent. Alright enough randomness for now because my potatoes are burning and that is just a terrible thing. Please enjoy my randomness and feel free to comment with some of your own.

The unmanageable thing called my brain.

This morning as I was getting out of the shower and admiring my short hair. Yes I know that sounds weird but for this millisecond I actually like my hair. Well anyhow I was thinking that I like the cut and I noticed a gray spot I must have missed when I last colored it. I then got to thinking maybe I should just go gray, I mean look how great Jamie Lee Curtis looks with her hair gray. Only the thing was I couldn't for the life of me think of her name. I rolled her image around in my brain, checked the alphabet for clues but couldn't come up with anything but Carrie Fisher. Now I knew it wasn't Carrie Fisher but once that name popped in my head it just wouldn't go away. So as I toweled, combed, and dressed, I was in mental agony trying to retrieve a piece of information that I knew was in my head but was remaining elusive. By the time I was ready to leave the bathroom I had come up with Jamie but that Fisher would not go away. So since then I have been doing other stuff thinking that when I got a chance I would google the movies I knew she was in to actually get her correct name. Lo and behold just as I was getting ready to do just that a few moments ago her name popped right into my head. Go figure.

Parenting and how I suck at it.

So, I have always stated that I am a bad parent just trying the best she could. I haven't changed my mind about that. When my children were young I probably spent way too much time on nurturing and not enough time on teaching consequences. That was most likely because the consequences would cause them pain which in turn caused me pain. So in my selfishness I avoided that pain by smoothing the way for them as much as I could get away with it. Thus they never really learned to handle loss, disappointment, and the hard way of getting what they need and want. Now that they are grown any pain they are caused still causes me pain. To handle this I just avoid dealing with them or try to smooth the way when I can. When will I learn and let them grow and be themselves and take care of themselves? Now my daughter might read this and say hey wait a minute I have always had to take care of myself. This is true but that is also because I avoided the pain she suffered many times when maybe I should have been smoothing the way a tad. I know it has made her a stronger person but I fear some scars might have been created that will never go away. I still sometimes get the urge to say don't do that, be like this, oh my please think. But for heavens sake she is a grown woman, I should just let her be and enjoy her company. My worries for her are probably based again on my own selfish wish for a cookie cutter life that doesn't exist. Now my boys, they are another story. I have selfishly strangled their ability to grow out of my need to be needed. Sure I say I want them to be able to totally self-sufficient but really where would I be then? How would I define myself? I would be even more lost then I already am. Don't get me wrong; if they can work their lives out and be happy, healthy, and somewhat content I would be very happy. Maybe the problem is that I have never been able to do that myself and the thought of them being lost like I am is a torment for me. Still I must learn to just back off and let them do what they must and hold in my fears and sadness. Still, a part of me just wants to gather my clan together in a tight circle and remind them and myself that we are a family and that is all that matters. I have a sad today.